腹痛腹胀:为何“中国妈妈”是一流的

海外媒体：为何“中国妈妈”是一流的（图）   文章提供 于 2011-1-10 12:45:33 (北京时间: 2011-1-11 1:45:33) 阅读时出现乱码？ 解决办法 [ 新闻热评 首页 ] [ 加入博客 ] [ 回 顶顶华闻 主页 ]
近几年来，“中国妈妈”一词在美国教育界当中渐渐成为一种象征，用以指代那些对子女管教严厉甚至苛责的家长。日前，美国耶鲁大学华裔教授蔡美儿（Amy Chua）在她的著作中描述了包括自己在内的中国母亲的教育之道，解读“中国妈妈”为何会成为“悍母”的代名词。该文一出，立即在美国媒体中引起了热议， 有媒体认为教育环境的差异将使中国的下一代击败美国。

　　美国《华尔街日报》于1月9日全文刊载了这篇蔡美儿教授在其著作《虎妈妈的战 歌》中收录的文章。该文章指出，很多美国人对中国家长的教育模式感到好奇，想知道他们如何培养出那些能在很小的年纪就解出世界级数学难题，或是用钢琴弹奏 高难度乐曲的“神童”。“中国妈妈”的最重要元素，就是她们不像美国家长那样将孩子想得无比“脆弱”、永远用支持和赞誉的口吻训子。中国母亲们认为子女天 生就有一颗“强大”的内心，因此常常用斥责甚至威胁的方式对他们施压。

　　蔡美儿在文章中表示，虽然自己的两个女儿是美国人，但她一直秉 承着“中国妈妈”的教育方式对待她们。蔡美儿严格禁止两个女儿在外面过夜、过多地看电视或玩电脑，并要求她们从小练习小提琴和钢琴、在体育和戏剧之外的每 一门课程中拿到A的成绩。如果女儿在学习或练琴时遇到困难，她会严加责备并督促她们努力。文章指出，这种教育模式可以算是“中国妈妈”的真实写照，一些身 在中国的“中国妈妈”甚至有过之而无不及。

　　文章还称，“中国妈妈”可以对女儿直言不讳地说“嘿，胖丫头，你该减肥了”。在面对这个话 题时，西方的母亲们一定会再三斟酌，尽可能避免提及一切和“胖”有关的字眼，用婉转和尊重的语言去表达。然而，这些西方妈妈的女儿们可能仍然沉浸在暴饮暴 食中无法自拔，最终陷入严重的健康危机。

　　蔡美儿的这篇文章目前已被数十家美国媒体转引，不少媒体还专门针对此文发表了评论。《赫芬顿 邮报》评论说，中国父母总是相信他们知道“什么对孩子是最好的”，他们会用自己的决定盖过孩子自身的需求和想法。这种苛责并非虐待，而是一种“爱的表现形 式”。当然，“中国妈妈”的训子模式并不是所有中国母亲的通性，也不意味着美国母亲就不会这样做。

　　美国知名网站 “Businessinsider”则发表了一篇题为“为何中国家长比美国家长强”的文章，感叹“中国妈妈”们的严厉。该文章指出，如果家长的目标是让孩 子成为表现优秀、做事效率高的成功人士，那么中国的母亲们无疑比多数美国妈妈更胜一筹。中国家长的严苛和强烈的竞争意识，与美国家长的溺爱与温和形成鲜明 对比。如果美国妈妈们继续纵容懒惰、毫无自律却总是期待被赞誉的下一代，不难想象终有一天美国要在世界的竞赛中被中国击败。

　　华尔街时报文章：为什么中国妈妈是一流的？

　　许多人都想知道中国父母是如何抚养那些传统意义上的好孩子的，不管他们是否愿意做，都能把他们培养成数学天才和音乐神童，就像是由于家庭内部熏陶的一样。好了，我可以告诉他们，因为我做到了。下面列举的是我的女儿索菲亚和路易莎绝不允许做的事情：

　　· 在外过夜
　　· 看电影
　　· 出演校园剧
　　· 抱怨没有参演校园剧
　　· 看电视或玩电脑游戏
　　· 选择自己的业余活动
　　· 考试成绩没达到A
　　· 除了体育和戏剧外其他学科没有得第一名
　　· 除了钢琴和小提琴外学习其他乐器
　　· 不学习钢琴和小提琴

我就是用的这些比较宽松的“中国妈妈”的教育方式。韩国人、印度人、牙买加人、爱尔兰人、加纳人中也有许多非常合格的妈妈。相反，有许多华裔，他们出生 在西方，已经不是中国式的妈妈了，出于自愿或者不是。我也用比较宽松的“西方父母”的教育方式。西方父母的方法可谓花样繁多。大部分都一样，甚至当西方父 母觉得自己已经过于严厉时，他们也比不上中国父母的严厉。比如说，我的西方朋友认为每天让孩子练习30分钟最多1小时的乐器就已经很严厉了，而一个中国母 亲会在第一个小时轻松对待，第二第三小时就会强制孩子来练习。尽管我们的传统文化迂腐不堪，但在抚育子女方面，非常值得拿来研究与西方教育方式的不同。通 过对50位西方妈妈与48位中国妈妈的调查显示，其中70%的西方妈妈存在着这两种看法：强调传统的成功对孩子没有好处；父母应该培养孩子的学习兴趣。通 过对比，接近0%的中国妈妈同意此看法。相反，绝大数的中国妈妈认为他们的孩子是最好的学生，“民主家长作风”，如果孩子在学校里不够优秀，那么就是有问 题的，就是父母没有做好自己的本职工作。其他调查结果显示，对比西方父母，中国父母每天会花10次左右和孩子一起讨论学习情况。通过对比，西方孩子更喜欢 在体育运动方面发展。

　　中国父母认为如果你不擅长做这件事，你就永远不会对它感兴趣。为了得到所有好的东西，你必须去工作，而孩子本身 是不愿意去工作的，这就是为什么无视自己的爱好的主要原因。这就需要父母经常要表现的刚毅一些，因为孩子会有所抵触；万事开头难，可西方父母早早就放弃 了。如果能正确实施，中国式教育将会产生一个良性循环。强化训练，训练，再训练，训练是优秀的关键性因素。在美国，死机硬背是被瞧不起的。如果有个孩子， 在数学，钢琴，棒球，芭蕾舞方面都很优秀。他获得了肯定与赞扬。这样为他建立起了信心，就有了没有兴趣的兴趣。如果父母对孩子更严厉些的话，这个变化过程 会很容易。

　　中国父母能做的许多事情西方父母都不敢做。曾经在我很小的时候，我总是给父母捣乱，我的爸爸就用家乡话闽南语说我是“废 物”。我已经很乖了，可我还是对我的所作所为感到不安和深深的愧疚。但是像那些捣乱的事情并不能打击我的自尊心！我清楚的明白他对我的做事要求是多么高 啊！我丝毫不会感觉自己很没用，不会认为自己是个“废物”！

　　作为一个成年人，我曾经也在索菲亚对我很无理时用英语喊她“废物”。当我 在晚宴上提起我对孩子的做法时，我会马上被疏离。有一次，一位名叫马西的客人听了我的说话后，感到非常痛苦不安，还留下了眼泪，并早早的离开了晚宴。我的 朋友，苏珊，晚宴的主办者，努力恢复我和剩下的客人的关系。

　　事实上，中国父母还能做出许多很难以想象的事情，即使是在西方父母眼里那 是违法的事情。中国父母会对他的女儿说：“嗨，胖子，减减肥！”相比之下，西方父母会在女儿身旁走来走去，讨论一些关于健康的话题，并从来不说F字母。而 孩子最后还是会暴饮暴食，并产生一个负面的自我形象。（我曾经也看到一位西方爸爸在为他的女儿烤面包时，叫她“美人”。她的女儿后来跟我说那使她感觉自己 像个白痴！）

　　中国父母可以命令他的孩子考许多A，而西方父母会让他的孩子只要尽力就行了。中国父母会说“你个懒蛋，你的同学们现在正慢慢的超过你呢！”西方父母必须认真处理好孩子们的感受与成就之间的关系，会告诉他们的孩子：不管你多么平凡，我们都不会对此感到失望的。

　　我认真的思考了很久：中国父母为什么会心安理得的做出那样的行为。我认为在中国父母和西方父母的心理定势中有三大不同点：

第一，西方父母非常担心会伤害孩子的自尊心。他们非常担心孩子在没有做成某事后的感受，所以他们不断的告诉孩子：你曾经在某个测试或某个独唱会上表现的 是多么的棒啊！换句话说，西方父母关注的是孩子的心灵，中国父母不是。他们各自想法都很坚决，所以产生了今天的不同的教育行为。

　　比 如，孩子得了个负A回家，西方父母会大大的称赞他。中国妈妈会失望的叹口气，问哪里做错了。如果孩子得了个B回家，西方父母仍然会称赞他，只有一少部分会 让孩子先坐下，告诉孩子他有些不赞成，但他们会很小心谨慎的不让孩子感到自己一无是处，他们也不会叫孩子“蠢材”“白痴”“没用的家伙”。私底下，西方父 母可能会担心孩子考试考得不够好，或者在学校其他项目中表现的也不够好。如果孩子的成绩一直没有改观，他们会安排时间与学校负责人见面质问其学校的教学方 法或者打电话给学校询问老师是否取得教师资格证明。

　　如果一个中国孩子得了一个B，也许那永远也不可能发生，那么接下来的就是一场暴风骤雨。震惊的中国妈妈会让孩子来做几十遍乃至几百遍的练习测验，直到他再次得到A。

中国妈妈要求更好的成绩是因为他们认为孩子本来就能得到。如果孩子没有得到好成绩，他们会认为是孩子没有努力学习的结果。这就是为什么不合格的教育方 法，对孩子通常是严格的、惩罚的、羞耻的。中国父母认为他们的孩子足够坚强，能忍受羞辱并从中奋发向上。（如果孩子做的很好，很优秀，那么就会在妈妈们私 底下的谈话时会被大大的称赞。）

　　第二，中国妈妈认为孩子应该感激他们为其做的所有事情。有这种想法的原因不是很清楚，不过很可能是由 于子女要孝顺父母的儒家观念，再加上父母也为了孩子做了许多牺牲，这两点相结合的原因吧！（确实，中国妈妈做的很深入，亲自为孩子煮粥，督促练习，时常询 问，跟踪。）不管怎么说，中国孩子要花很多时间来服从父母，让父母感到自豪！

　　不管怎么说，我不认为多数西方人都认为他们会永久受惠于 父母的教育。我丈夫，杰德，实际上就持有与我相反的观点，“孩子不能选择他们的父母”他曾经对我说，“甚至不能决定被出生，是父母给了孩子生命，供养孩子 是父母的责任，孩子不欠父母任何东西，父母的一生都是为了孩子。”这些话深深的震撼了我。

　　第三，中国父母相信他们知道什么对孩子最 好，所以就无视孩子们的要求与爱好。这就是中国女孩不能在中学交男朋友，孩子不能外出宿营的原因。这也是中国孩子不敢对妈妈说“我在校园剧里扮演了角色， 我是6号村民，每天放学后3:00-7:00我还要参加彩排，周六我还需要一辆单车。”上帝会帮助每个努力奋进的中国孩子！

　　不要误导我了：那不是中国父母不关心自己的孩子。只需换位思考下，他们可以为孩子放弃一切。这是一种完全不同的教育模式。

这是一个中国式强迫兴趣的故事。露露7岁了，仍然在学习两种乐器，经常弹奏法国作曲家雅克.伊贝尔的一支名为“可爱小白驴”的曲子。曲子写的很好，你可 以想象一头可爱的小驴和它的主人漫步在乡间小路上的情景。但这对如此年龄的小孩子来说是太难了，因为很难保持在那么复杂的韵律之间不会晕头转向。

　　露露做不来。我们给她做工作，演练她那太僵硬的手指，一次又一次。但每次我们把她的手指合在一起时，另一指又变形了，所有的都是分开的。终于，在决定给她教训之前，露露恼怒的表示她将放弃练琴，还不停的跺脚。

　　“现在回到钢琴旁！”我命令道。

　　“你不能管我！”

　　“哦，我能。”

回到钢琴旁后，露露让我付出了代价。她很不情愿的乱按着着琴键，又突然抢去乐谱，把它撕得粉碎。我把乐谱粘回了原来的样子，并把它放在一个塑料夹里，这 样她就永远也不会再毁坏它了。我拉着露露的玩具屋到了汽车旁，告诉她：如果明天不能把“小白驴”弹好，我就把你的玩具一件一件的都捐给救世军。当我听到露 露说：你早应该把它们弄走了，为什么现在还在这。我吓唬她说，不准吃午饭，不准吃晚饭，没有圣诞节礼物，没有光明节礼物，不准办生日聚会，两年，三年，甚 至四年。当她仍旧弹错时，我对她说：你这样做只会使自己更狂躁因为你内心告诉自己你弹不好。我让她不要再懒散，懦弱，任性和自卑。

　　杰德把我叫到另一边。他说不要再羞辱露露了——即使我根本没有那么做，我只是在给她动力，他不认为恐吓会对露露有所帮助。他还说，也许露露根本不需要这项技能——她的的协调力不够好，“你认为我说的对吗？”

　　“你这是对她没有信心。”我警告他说。

　　“这真荒谬！我当然对她有信心！”杰德轻蔑的说道。

　　“索菲亚在她这个年龄的时候，就能弹好那个乐谱了！”

　　“但是索菲亚和露露是不同的人！”杰德指出。

　　“不，不是这样的。”我瞪着眼睛说道，“每个人都有天赋的，即使孤儿也有他的才能。好，你不用动一根手指，我去教她直到她会为止，我愿意做那个恶人！而你会成为他们崇拜的那个人的，因为你教她们薄煎饼还带她们去参加美国佬的活动。”

　　我挽起袖子，走到露露身边，对她使用了各种武器和策略。我们一直练习到了吃晚饭的时间，这时，我仍旧没有让她停下，不准喝水，不准去洗手间。整个房间变成了战场。我不再大喊大叫，但我仍然在那里看着她消极的练习着。我也曾一度怀疑过我的做法。

　　终于，那种令人沮丧的气氛消失了，露露做到了。她的手能够协调的在一起弹奏了——左手和右手各自泰然自若的弹着。

　　露露和我同时觉察到了成功的来临。我深出了一口气。露露又毫不犹豫的弹了一遍。这次更加自信，更快，更能抓住节奏了。过了一会，她开始变得笑盈盈的了。

　　“妈妈，看，这太简单了！”她想再多弹几遍，舍不得离开钢琴。那天晚上，我让让她和我睡在了一起。我们依偎着拥抱着，彼此之间再没有隔阂。当她在几个星期后的独奏会上弹奏那首“小白驴”时，家长们都跑过来对我说：“露露表现的多么棒啊！她太厉害了！”

　　从那以后，杰德也对我赞加不已。西方父母很担心孩子的自尊，但是作为父母，你对孩子的自尊做的最坏的事情就是让他们丢失自尊。虽然那样做很无礼，但是能建立他们的信心，比让他们自己去想自己更适合做什么要好的多！

市场上的许多书，描写的亚洲妈妈们都是一个诡计多端，无情，压榨，漠不关心孩子真正兴趣的形象。在他们的眼里：中国父母盲目的认为他们很关心自己的孩 子，为了孩子比西方人愿意牺牲更多，表面看起来很会和孩子沟通让他们走出困境。我认为这是一种误解。所有的好父母都想为孩子做到最好，只不过中国父母是用 了另外一种不同的观念来实施的。

　　西方父母努力做到尊重孩子的个性，鼓励他们追求自己想要的，支持他们的选择，给予积极的暗示和培养环 境。相比之下，中国父母认为保护孩子的最好方法是为将来做好准备，让他们认识到他们是有能力做好每件事的，帮助他们获得某项技能，好的工作习惯和自信，这 是其他任何人都夺不走的。

　　——Amy Chua，耶鲁法学院教授，著有《帝国时代》，《燃烧的世界 - 自由经济和民主的输出是怎样繁衍出种族仇恨和环球不安的》。这篇文章摘自她的《凶妈妈的育儿经》，企鹅出版社（美国企鹅集团下属企业之一）周二将出版。 Copyright © 2011 by Amy Chua.

　　作者Amy Chua是一个妈妈，她本人算是ABC，几个月就随父母到了美国，她有两个女儿是混血儿，她本身是耶鲁大学的法学院教授。在这篇整整两版面的文章当中，她 很厉害的比较了“中国妈妈”和“西方妈妈”，她女儿从小被逼着练钢琴，都很出成绩。文章很长，大家看了有兴趣的话可以讨论一下，我决得大部分美国人认为中 国人推的很厉害，对孩子很残酷，而她本身作为一个事业和家庭都比较成功的妈妈，她的观点能代表一批聪明有能力的中国母亲。

　　

　　附英文文章：Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior

　　By AMY CHUA

　　Can a regimen of no playdates, no TV, no computer games and hours of music practice create happy kids? And what happens when they fight back?

A lot of people wonder how Chinese parents raise such stereotypically successful kids. They wonder what these parents do to produce so many math whizzes and music prodigies, what it's like inside the family, and whether they could do it too. Well, I can tell them, because I've done it. Here are some things my daughters, Sophia and Louisa, were never allowed to do:

　　• attend a sleepover
　　• have a playdate
　　• be in a school play
　　• complain about not being in a school play
　　• watch TV or play computer games
　　• choose their own extracurricular activities
　　• get any grade less than an A
　　• not be the No. 1 student in every subject except gym and drama
　　• play any instrument other than the piano or violin
　　• not play the piano or violin.

I'm using the term "Chinese mother" loosely. I know some Korean, Indian, Jamaican, Irish and Ghanaian parents who qualify too. Conversely, I know some mothers of Chinese heritage, almost always born in the West, who are not Chinese mothers, by choice or otherwise. I'm also using the term "Western parents" loosely. Western parents come in all varieties.

　　All the same, even when Western parents think they're being strict, they usually don't come close to being Chinese mothers. For example, my Western friends who consider themselves strict make their children practice their instruments 30 minutes every day. An hour at most. For a Chinese mother, the first hour is the easy part. It's hours two and three that get tough.


From Ms. Chua's album: 'Mean me with Lulu in hotel room... with score taped to TV!'

Despite our squeamishness about cultural stereotypes, there are tons of studies out there showing marked and quantifiable differences between Chinese and Westerners when it comes to parenting. In one study of 50 Western American mothers and 48 Chinese immigrant mothers, almost 70% of the Western mothers said either that "stressing academic success is not good for children" or that "parents need to foster the idea that learning is fun." By contrast, roughly 0% of the Chinese mothers felt the same way. Instead, the vast majority of the Chinese mothers said that they believe their children can be "the best" students, that "academic achievement reflects successful parenting," and that if children did not excel at school then there was "a problem" and parents "were not doing their job." Other studies indicate that compared to Western parents, Chinese parents spend approximately 10 times as long every day drilling academic activities with their children. By contrast, Western kids are more likely to participate in sports teams.

What Chinese parents understand is that nothing is fun until you're good at it. To get good at anything you have to work, and children on their own never want to work, which is why it is crucial to override their preferences. This often requires fortitude on the part of the parents because the child will resist; things are always hardest at the beginning, which is where Western parents tend to give up. But if done properly, the Chinese strategy produces a virtuous circle. Tenacious practice, practice, practice is crucial for excellence; rote repetition is underrated in America. Once a child starts to excel at something—whether it's math, piano, pitching or ballet—he or she gets praise, admiration and satisfaction. This builds confidence and makes the once not-fun activity fun. This in turn makes it easier for the parent to get the child to work even more.

　　Chinese parents can get away with things that Western parents can't. Once when I was young—maybe more than once—when I was extremely disrespectful to my mother, my father angrily called me "garbage" in our native Hokkien dialect. It worked really well. I felt terrible and deeply ashamed of what I had done. But it didn't damage my self-esteem or anything like that. I knew exactly how highly he thought of me. I didn't actually think I was worthless or feel like a piece of garbage.

　　As an adult, I once did the same thing to Sophia, calling her garbage in English when she acted extremely disrespectfully toward me. When I mentioned that I had done this at a dinner party, I was immediately ostracized. One guest named Marcy got so upset she broke down in tears and had to leave early. My friend Susan, the host, tried to rehabilitate me with the remaining guests.

　　The fact is that Chinese parents can do things that would seem unimaginable—even legally actionable—to Westerners. Chinese mothers can say to their daughters, "Hey fatty—lose some weight." By contrast, Western parents have to tiptoe around the issue, talking in terms of "health" and never ever mentioning the f-word, and their kids still end up in therapy for eating disorders and negative self-image. (I also once heard a Western father toast his adult daughter by calling her "beautiful and incredibly competent." She later told me that made her feel like garbage.)

　　Chinese parents can order their kids to get straight As. Western parents can only ask their kids to try their best. Chinese parents can say, "You're lazy. All your classmates are getting ahead of you." By contrast, Western parents have to struggle with their own conflicted feelings about achievement, and try to persuade themselves that they're not disappointed about how their kids turned out.

　　I've thought long and hard about how Chinese parents can get away with what they do. I think there are three big differences between the Chinese and Western parental mind-sets.

First, I've noticed that Western parents are extremely anxious about their children's self-esteem. They worry about how their children will feel if they fail at something, and they constantly try to reassure their children about how good they are notwithstanding a mediocre performance on a test or at a recital. In other words, Western parents are concerned about their children's psyches. Chinese parents aren't. They assume strength, not fragility, and as a result they behave very differently.

　　For example, if a child comes home with an A-minus on a test, a Western parent will most likely praise the child. The Chinese mother will gasp in horror and ask what went wrong. If the child comes home with a B on the test, some Western parents will still praise the child. Other Western parents will sit their child down and express disapproval, but they will be careful not to make their child feel inadequate or insecure, and they will not call their child "stupid," "worthless" or "a disgrace." Privately, the Western parents may worry that their child does not test well or have aptitude in the subject or that there is something wrong with the curriculum and possibly the whole school. If the child's grades do not improve, they may eventually schedule a meeting with the school principal to challenge the way the subject is being taught or to call into question the teacher's credentials.


Sophia playing at Carnegie Hall in 2007.

If a Chinese child gets a B—which would never happen—there would first be a screaming, hair-tearing explosion. The devastated Chinese mother would then get dozens, maybe hundreds of practice tests and work through them with her child for as long as it takes to get the grade up to an A.

　　Chinese parents demand perfect grades because they believe that their child can get them. If their child doesn't get them, the Chinese parent assumes it's because the child didn't work hard enough. That's why the solution to substandard performance is always to excoriate, punish and shame the child. The Chinese parent believes that their child will be strong enough to take the shaming and to improve from it. (And when Chinese kids do excel, there is plenty of ego-inflating parental praise lavished in the privacy of the home.)

Second, Chinese parents believe that their kids owe them everything. The reason for this is a little unclear, but it's probably a combination of Confucian filial piety and the fact that the parents have sacrificed and done so much for their children. (And it's true that Chinese mothers get in the trenches, putting in long grueling hours personally tutoring, training, interrogating and spying on their kids.) Anyway, the understanding is that Chinese children must spend their lives repaying their parents by obeying them and making them proud.

　　By contrast, I don't think most Westerners have the same view of children being permanently indebted to their parents. My husband, Jed, actually has the opposite view. "Children don't choose their parents," he once said to me. "They don't even choose to be born. It's parents who foist life on their kids, so it's the parents' responsibility to provide for them. Kids don't owe their parents anything. Their duty will be to their own kids." This strikes me as a terrible deal for the Western parent.

Third, Chinese parents believe that they know what is best for their children and therefore override all of their children's own desires and preferences. That's why Chinese daughters can't have boyfriends in high school and why Chinese kids can't go to sleepaway camp. It's also why no Chinese kid would ever dare say to their mother, "I got a part in the school play! I'm Villager Number Six. I'll have to stay after school for rehearsal every day from 3:00 to 7:00, and I'll also need a ride on weekends." God help any Chinese kid who tried that one.

　　Don't get me wrong: It's not that Chinese parents don't care about their children. Just the opposite. They would give up anything for their children. It's just an entirely different parenting model.

Here's a story in favor of coercion, Chinese-style. Lulu was about 7, still playing two instruments, and working on a piano piece called "The Little White Donkey" by the French composer Jacques Ibert. The piece is really cute—you can just imagine a little donkey ambling along a country road with its master—but it's also incredibly difficult for young players because the two hands have to keep schizophrenically different rhythms.

　　Lulu couldn't do it. We worked on it nonstop for a week, drilling each of her hands separately, over and over. But whenever we tried putting the hands together, one always morphed into the other, and everything fell apart. Finally, the day before her lesson, Lulu announced in exasperation that she was giving up and stomped off.

　　"Get back to the piano now," I ordered.

　　"You can't make me."

　　"Oh yes, I can."

Back at the piano, Lulu made me pay. She punched, thrashed and kicked. She grabbed the music score and tore it to shreds. I taped the score back together and encased it in a plastic shield so that it could never be destroyed again. Then I hauled Lulu's dollhouse to the car and told her I'd donate it to the Salvation Army piece by piece if she didn't have "The Little White Donkey" perfect by the next day. When Lulu said, "I thought you were going to the Salvation Army, why are you still here?" I threatened her with no lunch, no dinner, no Christmas or Hanukkah presents, no birthday parties for two, three, four years. When she still kept playing it wrong, I told her she was purposely working herself into a frenzy because she was secretly afraid she couldn't do it. I told her to stop being lazy, cowardly, self-indulgent and pathetic.

　　Jed took me aside. He told me to stop insulting Lulu—which I wasn't even doing, I was just motivating her—and that he didn't think threatening Lulu was helpful. Also, he said, maybe Lulu really just couldn't do the technique—perhaps she didn't have the coordination yet—had I considered that possibility?

　　"You just don't believe in her," I accused.

　　"That's ridiculous," Jed said scornfully. "Of course I do."

　　"Sophia could play the piece when she was this age."

　　"But Lulu and Sophia are different people," Jed pointed out.

"Oh no, not this," I said, rolling my eyes. "Everyone is special in their special own way," I mimicked sarcastically. "Even losers are special in their own special way. Well don't worry, you don't have to lift a finger. I'm willing to put in as long as it takes, and I'm happy to be the one hated. And you can be the one they adore because you make them pancakes and take them to Yankees games."

　　I rolled up my sleeves and went back to Lulu. I used every weapon and tactic I could think of. We worked right through dinner into the night, and I wouldn't let Lulu get up, not for water, not even to go to the bathroom. The house became a war zone, and I lost my voice yelling, but still there seemed to be only negative progress, and even I began to have doubts.

Then, out of the blue, Lulu did it. Her hands suddenly came together—her right and left hands each doing their own imperturbable thing—just like that.

　　Lulu realized it the same time I did. I held my breath. She tried it tentatively again. Then she played it more confidently and faster, and still the rhythm held. A moment later, she was beaming.

　　"Mommy, look—it's easy!" After that, she wanted to play the piece over and over and wouldn't leave the piano. That night, she came to sleep in my bed, and we snuggled and hugged, cracking each other up. When she performed "The Little White Donkey" at a recital a few weeks later, parents came up to me and said, "What a perfect piece for Lulu—it's so spunky and so her."

　　Even Jed gave me credit for that one. Western parents worry a lot about their children's self-esteem. But as a parent, one of the worst things you can do for your child's self-esteem is to let them give up. On the flip side, there's nothing better for building confidence than learning you can do something you thought you couldn't.

　　There are all these new books out there portraying Asian mothers as scheming, callous, overdriven people indifferent to their kids' true interests. For their part, many Chinese secretly believe that they care more about their children and are willing to sacrifice much more for them than Westerners, who seem perfectly content to let their children turn out badly. I think it's a misunderstanding on both sides. All decent parents want to do what's best for their children. The Chinese just have a totally different idea of how to do that.

　　Western parents try to respect their children's individuality, encouraging them to pursue their true passions, supporting their choices, and providing positive reinforcement and a nurturing environment. By contrast, the Chinese believe that the best way to protect their children is by preparing them for the future, letting them see what they're capable of, and arming them with skills, work habits and inner confidence that no one can ever take away.