That's Not A F*cking Computer!

Nothing takes a nerd out of a movie like a fake operating system.

By: Jordan Hoffman, Parker Ward, Chris Plante, Russ Frushtick, Rene Rosa

We sit in front of computers all day. Sometimes it's cool, like when we watch videos of monkeys doing it and stuff, but when it is sending interoffice emails back and forth it is like slowly tap-tap-tapping down the construction of our souls. Therefore, we know from computers, and it ticks us off to no end when some Hollywood production, which clearly couldn't get the rights to an existing operating system, has to fake what a computer looks like or what it can do. To that end, we say, "OS? Oh, no!" Please join us on this journey of fake computers.

Weird Science

Anthony Michael Hall and the other dude won't let the actual boundaries of technology stop them in their desire to get laid. With an Oingo Boingo soundtrack behind them, they start pounding away at their keyboard and dialing up military bases on their modem. But before they can get all gooey with Kelly LeBrock, we need a dose of a fake-ass GUI. Graphic User Interface, that is. Not only do random cubes swirl around, but tapping into a mainframe computer is like zipping through tunnels with skull-and-crossbones style traps along the way. Well, maybe if you wear a bra on your head it'll all work out.

The Net

What is this World Wide Web, you speak of? It is like a net. . .an INTERnet. One that likes to ensnare comely lasses like Sandra Bullock.

The Net was a revolutionary film, in that it made parents across the country convinced that their phone bills were going to go up if they typed a letter on a word processor. The best part about this movie is that all the troubles stem from a computer nerd trying to socialize in the real world. You figure they'd know better than that.

Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home

Computer? Computer?

It is so rare for there to be an epic fail like this, especially in such an awesome movie. Hilarity reigns supreme as Scotty and Bones run a con on Stuart Pankin. They've got to convince him to build the new material transparent aluminum. When skeptical Pankin offers Scotty his computer to work with, naturally, he talks to it. When instructed to use the "quaint" keyboard, it is funny becausewe know our weak-ass 1986 computers don't have voice recognition. But after just a few plonks down on a (very) early Macintosh and, suddenly, all sorts of advanced calculations and animated displays are happening. Now, I know that Scotty is a genius, but even he shouldn't be able to make this happen. But does it ruin the scene? No, not really. It is still one of the best movies ever made.

The Matrix

Hey, you. I'm talking to you!

Okay, this one is arguable. Because when Neo is in the "real world" at the beginning of the film, he's really "inside the Matrix," dig? So the rules of technology and physics, even, shouldn't really apply. But he hasn't taken the red pill yet and everything else looks normal. Therefore, it just doesn't add up that the messages to him just "appear." Where are they appearing? Is this Instant Messenger? Is this an email? It's just "on his computer." So Neo is basically like my Mom in this scene.

National Lampoon's Vacation

Clark W. Griswald. All he wants is to be a good provider for his family. And the act of getting to Wally World should be half the fun. Indeed, Clark hopes to show the route he's created to the family, so they sit down in front of the TV (where the computer is plugged in) and - HEY! Cut that out, Rusty! Keep your Pac-Man monster away from my triptik. I know Rusty is a nerd and all, but how did he hack his Atari 2600 like that?

Hollow Man

Not only does Hollow Man make us look at mankind's innate brutal desires and an infrared scanning of Kevin Bacon's joint, it shoves our face in yet another obviously fake computer. Sure, Bacon is a scientist with lots of secret cash to use, but that doesn't mean his operating system comes from the future. By punching in numbers, his program (on a Nokia computer?) will determine if modified atomic structure will hold (with you so far), but when it doesn't it EXPLODES colorful electrons all over the monitor, and then it flashes the word "unstable." To make doubly sure we get what's happening here, director Paul Verhoeven has Bacon sigh and clutch his forehead.

Ocean's 13

By all accounts, we should hate all of the Ocean's movies. They're inane, star-powered, formulaic heist flicks. But I like them. And you do too. But they do have their weak spots. When one of the 13 is pinched and his prints are run, the entire jackets on the whole gang are sent to Bank's office. But fear not, Casey Affleck comes to the rescue in the form of a laptop computer-hack from an access tunnel, graphically changing the appearance of the team that shows up on Bank's computer. Wait, what? The look on Pacino's face in the pic above mirrors our own.

Iron Man

I know that Stark Industries has deep pockets but money can only get you so far. It can't send you into the future. (Note, Minority Report is not on this list - that is set in the future, while Iron Man, of course, is real.) Not only does Stark design his repulsor-ray equipped armor with some wacky outer-space keyboard (that's not even English!) he is able to interface and manipulate 3-D holograms. I'm pretty sure cutting edge industry has some tricks up its sleeve we mortals don't know about, but this just ain't real!

Terminator 2: Judgement Day

I'm more likely to buy the concept of Skynet's cybernetic systems becoming "self-aware" than I am that dopey Eddie Furlong is able to get "easy money" out of an ATM with an Atari Portfolio Palmtop. Even though the kid's using some of that crazy thick wiring, that doesn't mean cash is going to magically spit out at him - even if he is a genius. Maybe,maybe he could get the ATM to play Hunt The Wumpuswith him, but that's about it.

Independence Day

Forget that an alien super race that can master faster-than-light travel could fall ill to a computer virus conceived by puny Earthmen. And that the virus is created in, like, twenty minutes. How in the hell does Jeff Goldblum think he's going to deliver this virus to the mothership? With a Macintosh laptop? At a time when Macintosh laptops were, like, mostly in Black and White, let alone completely incompatible with other operating systems? And with some crazy wireless connectivity that can transfer through the murky gases within the traveling cloud of spacemongering baddie ships? I can hardly get my (quite modern by comparison) laptop to work from the front steps of my house! While Independence Day at least wins points for including actual Mac design in some of the open windows, it seems like a waste of effort considering what is being done.

Hackers

As ultra-hacker Zero Cool, Jonny Lee Miller certainly knows his way around a computer. Thankfully he's able to use these skills to stop an evil organization from capsizing a boat somewhere in the Arctic Ocean. For a movie about computers, there are so many fake computer moments in here that we had a hard time picking just one. The souped up laptop that the evil IT guy sends Zero Cool took the cake, though, with its tiny screen and preference for neon smily faces. Honorable mention to the 3D cityscape file browser that the evil IT guy manages.

Jurassic Park

"This is a UNIX system... I know this!"

The only thing worse than a completely made up computer and OS is when you try namedrop something that only the hardcore know about, and fail trying. Back in 1993, Silicon Graphics put out some powerhouse machines not known to the average home PC user. The UNIX operating system was a staple of those machines, but you would not find any 3D file system navigator anywhere on there. Of course, with great foible comes great ingenuity and this inspired people to make actual software based on what was seen in the film. That in itself is kind of cool, but consider the fact that this film was based on a book, inspired by tons and tons of scientific research and you'll find us scratching our egg shaped heads.

Masterminds

What was Virtual Dimensions, Inc. thinking? Did they honestly believe a numerical encryption would be too easy to break? Or that a hacker - a breed of human raised on Slurpees and masturbation - would struggle to beat a poorly rendered videogame? Maybe they felt digital pirates deserved a fun challenge? And all these questions ignore the implausibility of a 3D game streaming off a 28k modem. Yet, as if to trick the viewer, the protagonist follows up this bit of technical malarkey with a 9-hour download. The network just streamed a skeleton-filled castle, but a couple zipped up megabytes takes a full workday?

Wargames

Wargames is still a great movie and, frankly, isn't that bad as some of the others on this list for making stuff up. Who among us can say the WOPR isn't real? We have no access to the secret computers deep within NORAD and if we did we wouldn't be allowed to say anything. The problem is the blank operating system young Matthew Broderick uses. Is he interfacing with these supercomputers in BASIC? Just how, exactly, does dialing in on his modem automatically grant him access to the nukes? Even in the 1980s there were things like passwords. Shall we play a game? Yes, it is called trying to pass off some fake-ass computers on the audience.

Electric Dreams

The granddaddy of all incorrect computer movies has to be Electric Dreams. Not only will the purchase of a simple PC make your blender attack you, it will sound like Bud Cort. That's just nuts. This HBO staple of the early 1980s featured a lonely man in competish with his computer for the love of his upstairs neighbor. This, after spilling champagne on the keyboard makes the computer "come to life" of course. So, the computer can have thoughts and desires, but can't be taught that his user is named Miles not Moles. Awesome.