九乡新闻网马蓉露面:英汉双语笑话
来源：百度文库 编辑：九乡新闻网 时间：2024/04/29 21:23:40
Reached Shore Fast 快速靠岸 A guy I know was towing his boat home from a fishing trip to Lake Huron when his car broke down. He didn't have his cell phone with him, but he thought maybe he might be able to raise someone on his marine radio to call for roadside assistance. He climbed into his boat, clicked on the radio and said, "Mayday, mayday." A Coast Guard officer came on and said, "State your location." "I-75, two miles south of Standish." After a very long pause, the officer asked, "How fast were you going when you reached shore?" 在休伦湖钓完鱼后，我的一个朋友开车拖着他的船回家。路上车坏了。他没带手机，不过，他想，也许他可以通过海事无线广播来请求公路援助。于是，他爬到他的船里面，启动了无线装置，喊道，“求救，求救”。一名海岸护卫队警官作出了回应，“报告你的位置”。“I-75号公路，Standish的南面两英里”。沉默了好一会之后，警官问我的朋友，“你的船靠岸时开得有多快？” St Peter's question 圣彼德的问题 Three men, a doctor, an accountant and a lawyer are dead and they appear in front of St Peter. St Peter tells them that they have to answer one question in order to get to Heaven. He looks at the doctor and asks, "There was a movie that was made about a ship that sank after hitting an iceberg, what was its name?" The doctor answers, "The Titanic" and he is sent through. He then looks at the accountant and say, "How many people died in that ship?" Fortunately the accountant had just watched the movie and he answers, "1 500!". St Peter sends him through and then finally turns to the lawyer and commands, in a very heavy voice, "Name them!".
有三个人死了，分别是一名医生、一名会计和一名律师。他们来到了圣彼德面前。圣彼德对他们说，如果他们想进入天堂，就得每人回答一个问题。圣彼德看着医生开始发问，“以前电影院放过一部电影，说的是一艘船撞击冰山后沉没，电影的名字是什么？” 医生回答，“＜＜泰坦尼克号＞＞”，医生随即被允许进入天堂。然后圣彼德看着会计说，“船上有多少人遇难？”。会计很走运，因为他刚看过这部电影，回答道，“1500人遇难。”圣彼德把会计也放进天堂了。最后，圣彼德转过身，看着律师，非常严肃地用命令的口吻问道，“把1500人的名字都说出来？” Blind Date
相亲（笑话）
After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave.When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died.""Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"和相亲对象呆了一晚上后，男人再也受不了了。他事先安排了个朋友给他打电话，这样他就能借故先离开了。当他回到桌边，他垂下眼睛，装出一副阴沉的表情，说：“有个不幸的消息，我的祖父刚刚去世了。”“谢天谢地！”他的约会对象说，“如果你的祖父不死，我的祖父就得死了！”The Mean Man's Party
吝啬鬼的聚会
The notorious cheap skate finally decided to have a party. Explaining to a friend how to find his apartment, he said, "Come up to the fifth floor and ring the doorbell with your elbow. When the door open, push with your foot."
"Why use my elbow and foot?"
"Well, gosh," was the reply, "You're not coming empty-handed, are you?" 一个声名狼藉的小气鬼终于决定要请一次客了。他在向一个朋友解释怎么找到他家时说：“你上到五楼，用你的胳膊肘按门铃。门开了后，再用你的脚把门推开。”
“为什么我要用我的肘和脚呢？”
“天哪！” 吝啬鬼回答，“你总不会空着手来吧？”
男女不同
1. SUCCESS 从对成功的定义看…… A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
成功的男人就是：挣得永远比老婆花得多。 A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
成功的女人就是：能找到上述那样的老公。 2. FUTURE 从对未来的看法看…… A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
女人直到找到老公前都在担心未来。 A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
男人直到找到老婆后才开始担心未来。 3. MARRIAGE 从对婚姻的看法看…… A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
女人嫁给一个男人，希望他能改变，可他不。 A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change! And she does.
男人娶了一个女人，希望她永远不变，可她变了。 4. DRESSING UP 从穿着看…… A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
买东西，浇花，倒垃圾，接电话，读书和取信的时候，女人都会打扮。 A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
看到男人穿的正式点，那不是去婚礼就是去葬礼。 5. NATURAL 从容貌的真实度看…… Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
男人起床后和上床前看起来差不多。 Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
女人过了一晚上的容颜会变糟。
6. NAMES 从朋友间的称呼看…… If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.
如果劳瑞，琳达，伊丽莎白和芭芭拉出去吃饭，她们会互相称呼彼此为劳瑞，琳达，伊丽莎白和芭芭拉。 If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.
如果马克，克里斯，埃里克和汤姆出去吃饭，他们会亲切地称对方为胖子，怪兽，傻瓜和刺儿头。
7. EATING OUT 从外出就餐看……When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in a $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
结账的时候，需然只花了32.5美元，马克，克里斯，埃里克和汤姆也会每人都甩出20美元。没人有更小的票子，也没人愿意招认他们其实是想破钱。 When the women get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
轮到女人结账时，她们每个人会掏出个便携式计算器。 8. MONEY 从花钱购物看…… A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
只要用得着，即便值1美元却卖2美元的东西，男人也会买。 A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need, but it's on sale.
只要在打折，2美元的东西只卖1美元，就算用不着，女人也会买。 9. CATS 从对猫的态度看…… Women love cats.
女人喜欢猫。 Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
男人说他们喜欢猫，但是当女人不在场的时候，男人踢猫。
10. BATHROOMS 从浴室看…… A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
男人浴室有五宝：牙刷，剃须膏，剃须刀，一块肥皂和一块毛巾。 The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
女人浴室里平均有337样东西，男人认不出其中的大多数是干什么用的。
11. ARGUMENTS 从争论看…… A woman has the last word in any argument.
任何争论都以女人说最后一句话为结束。 Anything a man says after that...is the beginning of a new argument.
男人在女人之后说的任何话……都将成为新一轮争吵的开始。 12. OFFSPRING 从对孩子的态度看… A woman know all about her children. She knows about romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
女人了解孩子的方方面面，包括他们的罗曼史，好朋友，喜欢的食物，心底的恐惧、希望以及梦想。 A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
男人模模糊糊地知道和一些小人儿们住在一起。Talking clock 会说话的钟 While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den. "What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends asked. "That is the talking clock," the man replied. "How's it work?"
"Watch," the man said and proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer. Suddenly, someone screamed from the other side of the wall, "Knock it off, you idiot! It's two o'clock in the morning!"
一个学生带他朋友们参观他的新公寓，甚是得意。“那个大铜锣和锤子是干什么用的？”他的一个朋友问他。“那玩意儿厉害了，那是一个会说话的钟”，学生回答。“这钟怎么工作的”，他的朋友问。“看着，别眨眼了”，那学生走上前一把操起铜锣和锤子，拼命地敲了一下，声音震耳欲聋。突然，他们听到隔壁墙那边有人狂叫，“别敲了，你这白痴！现在是凌晨两点钟了！” Snake Talk
Two snakes were crawling along when one snake asked the other, "Are we poisonous snakes?" The other replied, "You're darn right we're poisonous! We're rattlesnakes(响尾蛇). Why do you ask?" To which the first replied, "Because I just bit my tongue."
林肯过生日 Great Event Teacher: What great event happened in 1809?
Little Willy: Abraham Lincoln was born.
Teacher: Correct. And what great event happened in 1812?
Little Willy: Abraham Lincoln had his third birthday. 老师：1809年发生了什么重大事件？ 小威利：亚伯拉罕-林肯诞生。 老师：正确。那么1812年发生了什么重要事件呢？ 小威利：亚伯拉罕-林肯过他的三周岁生日。那就更糟了 Much WorseMuch WorsePoliceman: Why didn't you shout for help when you were robbed of your watch?
Man: If I had opened my mouth, they'd have found my four gold teeth. That would be much worse.中文：警察：有人抢你的手表时，你为什么不呼救呢？
男子：要是我张口的话，他们就会发现我的四颗金牙。那就更糟了。 U married mine 英汉双语笑话 Little boy: Daddy, I want to get married.
Father jokingly said: Oh! Who did you have in mind?
Little boy: Grandma.
Father: Wait a minute, you did not think I'd let you marry my mother, did you?
Little boy: Why not? You married mine. 中文翻译：
小男孩：爸爸，我想结婚。
爸爸打趣地问道：噢！谁是你心中合适的人选？
小男孩：奶奶。
爸爸：等一下，你认为我会让你娶我的妈妈？
小男孩：为什么不？你娶了我的妈妈。Two Lines In Heaven
Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven.
God comes and says "I want the men to make two lines.
One line for the men that dominated their women on earth
and the other line for the men that were whipped by their women.
Also, I want all the women to go with St Peter."Said and done, and there are two lines. The line of the men
that were whipped was 100 miles long,
and the line of men that dominated women, there was only one man.God got mad and said. "You men should be ashamed of yourselves.
I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates.
Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud.
Learn from him! Tell them, my son,
how did you manage to be the only one on that line?"The man said, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."世上的每一个人都上了天堂 神说 :
" 要男人分成两队 , 一是在世上控制女人的男人 ,
另一是被女人鞭打的男人 .
另外女子自成一队 , 跟着圣彼德去 ."队伍列好后 , 一是被女人鞭打的 ,
有 100 英里长 , 一是在世上控制女人的 ,
仅有一人 .神生气的说 :" 你们男人应该感到羞耻 ,
我按照自己的形象创造了你们 ,
而你们被女子鞭打 . 看看 , 我唯一的儿子 ,
站着使我骄傲 . 你们应该向他学习 .
告诉他们 , 儿子 ,
你如何成为唯一站在这一队上的 ?"
这男子回说 :" 我不知道 , 我太太叫我站在这的 !"
A little boy asked his father: Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?
The father replied: I don 't know son. I 'm still paying!!
一个小男孩问他的爸爸，结婚要花多少钱？爸爸说：我不知道，因为我仍然在付帐。
令人苦笑不得的遗言
The death bed can lead people to speak with great honesty and,inmany cases, humor。
人之将死，其言也真，有时候还会带点幽默。
1. Pardon me, sir. I did not do it on purpose。
原谅我，先生。我不是故意这样做的。
Said by: Queen Marie Antoinette after she accidentallysteppedonthe foot of her executioner as she went to theguillotine。
出自： 玛丽·安托瓦内特王后，她上断头台的时候，不小心踩了刽子手一脚。
2. I cant sleep
我睡不着。
Said by: J. M. Barrie, author of Peter Pan
3. Hey, fellas! How about this for a headline for tomorrows paper? ‘French Fries!
嗨，伙计们！明天的报纸头条这样写怎样：“法式炸薯条”！
Said by: James French, a convicted murderer, was sentenced to the electric chair. He shouted these words to mrs of the presswhowereto witness his execution。
出自：詹姆斯·弗兰彻，杀人犯，他被终身判决为上电椅死刑。他对亲见他受刑的媒体人员说出了这句话。(注“法式炸薯条”原文‘FrenchFries，此人也姓French，被判坐电椅，所以说自己被炸了。)
4. Its stopped。
它停下来了。
Said by: Joseph Henry Green, upon checking his own pulse。
出自：约瑟夫·亨利·格林，他摸了摸自己的脉搏。
5. Please dont let me fall。
请不要让我掉下去。
Said by: Mary Surratt, before being hanged for her partin the conspiracy to assassinate President Lincoln. She was the first woman executed by the United States federal government。
出自：玛丽· 苏拉特，她因参与同谋刺杀林肯总统而被处以绞刑。她是美国联邦政府第一个被处死的女人。
6. Now, now, my good man, this is no time formakingenemies。
现在，现在，我的好兄弟，我可没时间再树敌了。
Said by: Voltairewhen asked by a priest to renounce Satan。
出自：伏尔泰，他临终前，一位牧师请他与撒旦断绝关系。 奥巴马胜选演说稿文言版
Hello，Chicago!
芝城父老，别来无恙，
If there is anyone out there who still doubts that America is a place where all things are possible, who still wonders if the dream of our founders is alive in our time, who still questions the power of our democracy, tonight is your answer。
余尝闻世人有疑，不知当今美利坚凡事皆可成就耶？开国先贤之志方岿然于世耶？民主之伟力不减于昔年耶？凡存诸疑者，今夕当可释然。
It’s the answer told by lines that stretched around schools and churches in numbers this nation has never seen, by people who waited three hoursand four hours, many for the first time in their lives, because they believed that this time must be different, that their voices could be that difference。
今夕之释然，皆蒙美利坚民众之协力——学塾祠庙之外，市井乡野之间，万千父老心焦似焚，苦待竟日，愿献一票之力。其中，平生未尝涉国事者，数亦不少，而今有此义举，皆因一念不衰——今夫天下，非同既往，愿发吁天之声，必成动地之势。
It’s the answer spoken by young and old, rich and poor, Democrat and Republican, black, white, Hispanic, Asian, Native American, gay,straight, disabled and not disabled. Americans who sent a message tothe world that we have never been just a collection of individuals or acollection of red states and blue states. We are, and always will be,the United States of America。
今夕之释然，皆仰吾国同胞之齐心——何谈贫富老幼之差、党社宗族之异，惶论发肤肌体之别、志趣爱恶之分。吾国既以“合众”为名，吾辈则更无疏离之意，红蓝二党并肩而立，数十邦州挽手相合，无分你我，共称一家，昂然于世，齐声一呼，天下乃有此释然。
It’s the answer that led those who’ve been told for so long by so many to becynical and fearful and doubtful about what we can achieve to put their hands on the arc of history and bend it once more toward the hope of abetter day。
今夕之释然，皆因愤懑者之镇静，忧惧者之勇气，犹疑者之笃定——平素世间种种，消磨其志向，溃灭其梦想，而值此风云之际，除旧更新，当仁不让，倾力而动乾坤者，更何人哉！
It’s been a long time coming, but tonight, because of what we did on this date in this election at this defining moment change has come to America。
俟之诚久，其志弥坚。幸天地明察，乃有今日，乃有此刻，乃有此一选举，乃有我亿万美利坚大好国民——吾邦之大变革，方得自兹而始也！
A little bit earlier this evening, I received an extraordinarily gracious call from Sen. McCain。
Sen.Mc Cain fought long and hard in this campaign. And he’s fought evenlonger and harder for the country that he loves. He has endured sacrifices for America that most of us cannot begin to imagine. We arebetter off for the service rendered by this brave and selfless leader.I congratulate him; I congratulate Gov. Palin for all that they’veachieved. And I look forward to working with them to renew this nation’s promise in the months ahead。
顷接参议员麦君凯恩电，虽未得晤，幸有一谈，其言谆谆，其意诚诚，鄙人感佩之至。选战期内，麦君劳碌几重，奔波几许，皆为国家计。诸般求索，时日良多，皆非余所能及。于国于民之惊人牺牲，亦非庸庸如吾辈者所可想见。以麦君之胆魄襟怀，能为吾邦所用，实国家之幸，万民之幸也。前途漫漫，其事未竟，余所盼瞩由衷者，唯共麦凯恩君、佩林君，及诸贤士比肩，会吾等之绵力，成吾邦之大业。
I want to thank my partner in this journey, a man who campaigned from his heart, and spoke for the men and women he grew upwith on the streets of Scranton and rode with on the train home to Delaware, the vice president-elect of the United States, Joe Biden。
乔君拜登，亦吾所感铭至深者也。竞选之业，艰险不足与外人道，幸有乔君之辅佐，其诚天可鉴之。乔君其人，素言恳辞切，意笃情真，盖尝经斯兰克顿街乡邻之提命，饱聆特拉华州父老之晤教也。他日余既登总统之位，乔君必当副之。
And I would not be standing here tonight without the unyielding support of my best friend for the last 16 years the rock of our family, the loveof my life, the nation’s next first lady Michelle Obama。
拙荆米氏，追随鄙人凡一十六年，既为爱侣，更为挚友，既为吾阖家之基石，又乃余终生之至爱。鄙人尝自忖度，倘无贤妻若此，今朝阔论高谈于此处者，不知何人矣！
Sashaand Malia I love you both more than you can imagine. And you have earned the new puppy that’s coming with us to the new White House。
小女萨沙、玛丽，余素深喜之。昔日为父尝与汝等言，此番选战若得一胜，愿购小犬一头相赠，待阖家乔迁总统府邸之日，偕汝等同进吾宅。今当胜负已出，既有一诺在前，必自践行不欺也。
And while she’s no longer with us, I know my grandmother’s watching, along with the family that made me who I am. I miss them tonight. I know that my debt to them is beyond measure。
祖母大人虽已仙逝，料必有灵在天，俯察人寰，想应颔首开颜矣。吾奥巴马氏列祖列宗，亦当如是。今日今时，此情此景，鄙人追思之心，乌鸟之情，曷其有极！唯生死陌路，仙凡有别，虽怀反哺之心，而无答报之门也！
To my sister Maya, my sister Alma, all my other brothers and sisters,thank you so much for all the support that you’ve given me. I am grateful to them。
至若玛雅、艾玛二姐妹，以及吾家诸同胞，所惠我者，亦属良多，久沐恩德，此当拜谢。
Andto my campaign manager, David Plouffe, the unsung hero of thiscampaign, who built the best — the best political campaign, I think, inthe history of the United States of America.To my chief strategistDavid Axelrod who’s been a partner with me every step of the way.To thebest campaign team ever assembled in the history of politics you madethis happen, and I am forever grateful for what you’ve sacrificed toget it done。
大卫？普劳夫君，大卫？阿克塞罗德君，一为鄙人竞选事务之经理，一为鄙人国事韬略之智囊。余尝自喟叹，左右谋士，余所仰赖者，皆亘古未见之贤才。普阿二君，则更此中之翘楚。区区不才，有何德能，可得膀臂若此？当此功成之际，感荷之心，亦自拳拳。
But above all, I will never forget who this victory truly belongs to. It belongs to you. It belongs to you。
至于鄙人铭之肺腑，须臾不敢忘怀者，则诸位也。盖今日鄙人之胜绩，实诸位之胜绩，鄙人之荣光，实诸位之荣光！
Iwas never the likeliest candidate for this office. We didn’t start withmuch money or many endorsements. Our campaign was not hatched in thehalls of Washington. It began in the backyards of Des Moines and theliving rooms of Concord and the front porches of Charleston. It wasbuilt by working men and women who dug into what little savings theyhad to give $5 and $10 and $20 to the cause。
余素朴陋，虽有参选之心，并无必胜之志。谋事之初，银资乏匮，从者寥寥；起事之地，皆蔽寓荒斋，不在高阁；成事之基，无非寻常百姓，涓滴之献。
Itgrew strength from the young people who rejected the myth of theirgeneration’s apathy who left their homes and their families for jobsthat offered little pay and less sleep。
It drew strength from thenot-so-young people who braved the bitter cold and scorching heat toknock on doors of perfect strangers, and from the millions of Americanswho volunteered and organized and proved that more than two centurieslater a government of the people, by the people, and for the people hasnot perished from the Earth。
今日之胜，有赖一众热血青年，抛其家，别其室，不辞其苦，不计其酬，矻矻于此——“国中青年爱国之心已泯”之谬论，今可休矣！今日之胜，有赖壮志未已之诸前辈，无惧寒暑，行走奔波，劝说民众。今日之胜，乃数百万美利坚民众之胜，察其意，皆属踊跃为国，观其行，处处谨严有序，足堪告慰二百年前开国之先贤——民有、民治、民享之政体，未尝动摇也！
This is your victory。
嗟夫！此实诸位之功也！
AndI know you didn’t do this just to win an election. And I know youdidn’t do it for me.You did it because you understand the enormity ofthe task that lies ahead. For even as we celebrate tonight, we know thechallenges that tomorrow will bring are the greatest of our lifetime —two wars, a planet in peril, the worst financial crisis in a century。
余知诸君之意非在此一选举，亦非在鄙人一身。盖瞻前路之艰辛，益知此任非同小可也。虽今夕欢贺于此，而明朝酒醒，大患仍自当前，不容有怠——两地烽烟熊熊而起，四海之内纷纷而乱，金融业界惶惶而不得宁。
Evenas we stand here tonight, we know there are brave Americans waking upin the deserts of Iraq and the mountains of Afghanistan to risk theirlives for us.There are mothers and fathers who will lie awake after thechildren fall asleep and wonder how they’ll make the mortgage or paytheir doctors’ bills or save enough for their child’s collegeeducation. There’s new energy to harness, new jobs to be created, newschools to build, and threats to meet, alliances to repair。
是夜，饮宴笙歌之声不绝于耳，而异邦大漠群山中，吾国大好青年，兀自苦戍边塞，惝恍竟夜，性命尚未得安。吾国千万庶民，为人父母者，兀自惴惴难眠，所忧者，乃房宅所贷、病患之费、抚育之资也。至若吾国能源之耗，百业之兴，庠序之教，攻伐之术，怀远之道，亦皆吾等忡忡挂怀者也。
The roadahead will be long. Our climb will be steep. We may not get there inone year or even in one term. But, America, I have never been morehopeful than I am tonight that we will get there. I promise you, we asa people will get there。
渺渺乎其远，如不可达，危危乎其高，若不可攀。朝夕岁月，焉得成就？余不揣愚钝，愿以四载韶华，付诸此业，胜算何如虽不可知，然昂扬必胜之奇志，成就伟业之壮怀，平生未之有也。君子一诺，其重何如，此地今夕，愿斗胆发一狂言——吾辈既在，其事必成！
Therewill be setbacks and false starts. There are many who won’t agree withevery decision or policy I make as president. And we know thegovernment can’t solve every problem. But I will always be honest withyou about the challenges we face. I will listen to you, especially whenwe disagree. And, above all, I will ask you to join in the work ofremaking this nation, the only way it’s been done in America for 221years — block by block, brick by brick, calloused hand by callousedhand。
逶迤坎坷，份内之事。异见争端，料必有之。国中之政府，谅非无所不能者。余所秉承不移者，唯忠信矣。倘有危难于前，必无欺瞒于世。诸君言论臧否，纵悖逆相左之议，余必当洗耳以聆。于此之外，更当恳请诸君，不吝心血，致力报效，以振吾美利坚重兴之业。余亦别无他想，唯盼吾侪协力，延继吾国既肇二百二十一年之大统，汇涓滴之力，而成万世之业。
What began 21 months ago in thedepths of winter cannot end on this autumn night. This victory alone isnot the change we seek. It is only the chance for us to make thatchange. And that cannot happen if we go back to the way things were. Itcan’t happen without you, without a new spirit of service, a new spiritof sacrifice。
昔年冬日，余有志于斯，投身此业，屈指算来，倏然近二载矣。当此秋夜，追思反省，仍无溃退逃亡之意。选战之胜，无非一役之功，余梦寐所思矢志所求者，非在乎此。溯源究本，此役之胜，不过革世变时一大好良机耳。倘止步于斯，垂手而待，或无诸君倾力相援，则壮志丰功，无非泡影，诸般梦想，终必虚妄。
So let us summon a new spirit of patriotism, ofresponsibility, where each of us resolves to pitch in and work harderand look after not only ourselves but each other. Let us remember that,if this financial crisis taught us anything, it’s that we cannot have athriving Wall Street while Main Street suffers. In this country, werise or fall as one nation, as one people。
爱国之心，报国之念，吾人固有之，然逢今日之世，此心此念亦当一变——吾辈各执己业，益当各竭其力，各尽其命，非但为一己之利，而更期普世之荣。今岁，金融业界动荡多舛，细审观之，当可以之为鉴——实业之损，亦是金融之伤。可知，既在邦域之内，吾辈荣辱休戚，皆相与共矣！
Let’s resist the temptationto fall back on the same partisanship and pettiness and immaturity thathas poisoned our politics for so long. Let’s remember that it was a manfrom this state who first carried the banner of the Republican Party tothe White House, a party founded on the values of self-reliance andindividual liberty and national unity.Those are values that we allshare。
党争纷纭，阴谋卑鄙，愚鲁无知，皆腐蚀清白、惑乱政局之弊也，其缘由已久，余今愿与诸君协力，共灭除之。昔年曾有此郡先贤，执共和党之帜，而掌总统府之权。自强独立，自由统一等信念，皆斯人之所倡，亦吾辈之所宗。
Andwhile the Democratic Party has won a great victory tonight, we do sowith a measure of humility and determination to heal the divides thathave held back our progress. As Lincoln said to a nation far moredivided than ours, we are not enemies but friends. Though passion mayhave strained, it must not break our bonds of affection。
今岁选战，吾民主党人幸有一胜，然谦逊和合之心未尝少减。余素信服者，乃山河破碎之际，林肯总统之言——“既是至亲，终不为敌。虽弩张剑拔，而血脉未尝断，情义不少减。”
Andto those Americans whose support I have yet to earn, I may not have wonyour vote tonight, but I hear your voices. I need your help. And I willbe your president, too。
固然，仍有四方志士，不为鄙人所动，另有高明之选。虽终悭此一票之缘，然诸君高论，余亦声声在耳，字字在心。倘能得诸君之援手，鄙人幸甚。他日待余总而统之，亦必不另眼以待也。
Andto all those watching tonight from beyond our shores, from parliamentsand palaces, to those who are huddled around radios in the forgottencorners of the world, our stories are singular, but our destiny isshared, and a new dawn of American leadership is at hand。
吾邦民众，散居天下，各安其命，而其志一也。吾邦鼎盛之势，今已乍现锋芒。
Tothose — to those who would tear the world down: We will defeat you. Tothose who seek peace and security: We support you. And to all those whohave wondered if America’s beacon still burns as bright: Tonight weproved once more that the true strength of our nation comes not fromthe might of our arms or the scale of our wealth, but from the enduringpower of our ideals: democracy, liberty, opportunity and unyieldinghope。
至于心怀叵测，与世人为仇、与天下为敌者，吾邦猛志常在，彼等必取灭亡。心思纯良，久慕大同者，吾辈当倾力以助，鼎力相援。犹疑未定，不知吾自由之邦兴衰如何者，吾辈愿以今日盛况以告之——美利坚之所以谓之“美”者，非刀兵之强，金银之众，实民主、自由、机遇、梦想之美也！
That’sthe true genius of America: that America can change. Our union can beperfected. What we’ve already achieved gives us hope for what we canand must achieve tomorrow。
天自有道，地自有德，恩赋吾邦无上异禀——无他，唯变而已矣。美利坚变革不怠，合众国日趋尽善。当以过往先贤之伟绩，助吾侪今日之雄心，开子孙万世之辉光。
Thiselection had many firsts and many stories that will be told forgenerations. But one that’s on my mind tonight’s about a woman who casther ballot in Atlanta. She’s a lot like the millions of others whostood in line to make their voice heard in this election except for onething: Ann Nixon Cooper is 106 years old。
今岁选战，多开亘古之先，屡传千秋佳话。感我至深者，亚特兰大之老妪安？尼克松？库帕也——库氏之一票，于数百万美利坚民众之选票无异，其所以引人称奇者，其人今岁高龄一百有六矣。
Shewas born just a generation past slavery; a time when there were no carson the road or planes in the sky; when someone like her couldn’t votefor two reasons — because she was a woman and because of the color ofher skin。
当其父辈之时，天道不彰，黑人为奴。库氏其生也不逢时，汽车尚不行于道，飞机未曾起于空，库氏既属黑人，又系女流，票选一事，概无瓜葛。
Andtonight, I think about all that she’s seen throughout her century inAmerica — the heartache and the hope; the struggle and the progress;the times we were told that we can’t, and the people who pressed onwith that American creed: Yes we can。
今日今时，回溯库氏百岁之涯，但见吾邦先贤屡败屡战，且退且进，悲欣交集，甘苦杂陈。幸而正道存焉，壮志存焉，曰：吾辈既在，无所不能。
Ata time when women’s voices were silenced and their hopes dismissed, shelived to see them stand up and speak out and reach for the ballot. Yeswe can。
万马齐喑，其事堪哀，吾邦女界怒而起，愤而争，苦战不歇，历数十载。幸哉库氏，以百岁之高龄，终得亲见女流自立于世，重获天赋之权——吾辈既在，无所不能！
Whenthere was despair in the dust bowl and depression across the land, shesaw a nation conquer fear itself with a New Deal, new jobs, a new senseof common purpose. Yes we can。
当百业萧条，国人绝望哀鸣之际，库氏亲见吾美利坚出旷世之新政，挽狂澜于既倒，扶大厦之将倾，退畏惧之势，扶奋勇之心，终至人各有位，民心乃安——吾辈既在，无所不能！
Whenthe bombs fell on our harbor and tyranny threatened the world, she wasthere to witness a generation rise to greatness and a democracy wassaved. Yes we can。
当吾国良港遭袭，天下桀纣当道，暴政肆虐之时，库氏亲见豪杰群起，民主不衰——吾辈既在，无所不能！
Shewas there for the buses in Montgomery, the hoses in Birmingham, abridge in Selma, and a preacher from Atlanta who told a people that “WeShall Overcome。” Yes we can。
蒙哥马利公车之罢辍，伯明翰城黑人之群起，塞尔玛城血雨腥风之事，库氏般般亲历。更曾亲聆亚特兰大传教之士振臂登高之呼——“吾等必胜！”诚哉斯言！吾辈既在，无所不能！
Aman touched down on the moon, a wall came down in Berlin, a world wasconnected by our own science and imagination. And this year, in thiselection, she touched her finger to a screen, and cast her vote,because after 106 years in America, through the best of times and thedarkest of hours, she knows how America can change. Yes we can。
俟科学昌明于世，创想通贯一时，既登广寒之阙，又溃柏林之墙。洋洋乎！有百年如是，乃见今岁选战中，库氏之一票。浩浩兮！一百零六载交锋更迭，方有美利坚今日之变革——吾辈既在，无所不能！
America,we have come so far. We have seen so much. But there is so much more todo. So tonight, let us ask ourselves — if our children should live tosee the next century; if my daughters should be so lucky to live aslong as Ann Nixon Cooper, what change will they see? What progress willwe have made?
转眼兴亡过手，而今迈步从头。追昔抚今，不禁扪心而问——俟再历百年岁月，倘吾等后辈儿孙，亦有得享高寿如库氏者，复可见何等之变数？吾辈今日之功，他年可得而见之乎？
This is our chance to answer that call. This is our moment. This is ourtime, to put our people back to work and open doors of opportunity forour kids; to restore prosperity and promote the cause of peace; toreclaim the American dream and reaffirm that fundamental truth, that,out of many, we are one; that while we breathe, we hope. And where weare met with cynicism and doubts and those who tell us that we can’t,we will respond with that timeless creed that sums up the spirit of apeople: Yes, we can。
所谓天命时运，莫过于此——当为吾邦万民造安身立命之业，为吾辈儿孙启各显雄才之门，为寰宇各国创太平静好之世，为吾等壮志赋千秋不灭之元神。吾邦立国之本，必将光耀于天下。万千同胞，当如一人，一息尚存，梦想不灭。纵有世人旁观在侧，而疑窦生焉，吾辈亦当以千秋不易之训共答之曰——吾辈既在，无所不能！
Thank you. God bless you. And may God bless the United States of America。
拜谢诸君。愿天佑吾民，天佑吾邦。A little kid fell in love with another little kid, a school mate.
Sometimes the kids think they fall in love when they have a crush on someone else in the class, when they’re eight or ten years old or something like that. So the eight-year-oldkid came back home and asked his father, “Father, is it expensive to be married?” And the father said, “Yes, son, it is very expensive.” So the son asked, “How much does it cost?” And the father said, “I don’t know, son. I’m still paying.” 有个小孩爱上了另一个小孩，对方是学校的同学。
八岁或十岁左右的孩子有时会迷恋班上某个人，然后就以为自己恋爱了。因此这个八岁的小孩回家问他爸爸：「爸爸，结婚很花钱吗？」爸爸说：「是啊，儿子，非常花钱。」儿子又问：「要花多少钱呢？」爸爸说：「我不知道，儿子，我到现在还一直在付钱啊！」Where is the egg?Teacher:Can you make a sentence with the word "egg"?Student:Yes.I ate a piece of cake yesterday.Teacher:Then where is the “egg"?Student:In the cake,Sir.鸡蛋在哪里？老师：你能用“鸡蛋”一词造句吗？学生：可以。我昨天吃了一块蛋糕。老师：“鸡蛋”在哪？学生：在蛋糕里，先生
Time is 8 years old, and follows her own ideas. When her parents tell her to do something, she always doesn’t do it.
Today, she will go to a friend’s birthday party. She is now choosing skirt to wear. She has three skirts: a blue skirt, a white one and a yellow one.
She asks her father, “Which one is the best?” her father says, “I think the blue one is the best.” Then she asks her mother, “Which one do you think is the best?” Her mother answers, “ The white one , of course!” Tina says, “Thank you.”
Then she puts on the yellow shirt and goes out.
缇娜8岁了， 她又自己的主意。当她的父母要她做事时，她总是不去做。
今天，她将去参加一位朋友的生日聚会。她在选择穿哪一条裙子. 她又三条裙子：一条是蓝裙子，一条白裙子和一条黄裙子。 她问她的父亲：“哪条裙子是最好的？”她的父亲说：“我认为蓝色是最好的。”她问她的母亲：“你认为哪条裙子是最好的？”她的母亲回答：“当然是白色的了。”缇娜说：“谢谢。”她穿上黄色的裙子出去了。 Wife talking to her husband，who reads newspaper all day: I wish I were a newspaper so I'll be in your hands all day.
Husband: I wish that too, so I could change you daily 妻子和丈夫谈话，他一天到晚总是看报纸，妻子抱怨说：我要是报纸就好了，那样我就可以天天在你手里了。
丈夫说我也希望那样，那样我就可以每天换一个了。 NOTE
I wish I were ....是虚拟语气的说法，表示希望发生但不会发生的
双语 笑话 Belling the cat(系铃于猫)______
Long ago, there was a big cat in the house. He caught many mice while they were stealing food. One day the mice had a meeting to talk about the way to deal with their common enemy. Some said this, and some said that. At last a young mouse got up, and said that he had a good idea. "We could tie a bell around the neck of the cat. Then when he comes near, we can hear the sound of the bell, and run away." Everyone approved of this proposal, but an old wise mouse got up and said, "That is all very well, but who will tie the bell to the cat?" The mice looked at each other, but nobody spoke. 从前，一所房子里面有一只大猫，他抓住了很多偷东西的老鼠。 一天，老鼠在一起开会商量如何对付他们共同的敌人。会上大家各有各的主张，最后，一只小老鼠站出来说他有一个好主意。 “我们可以在猫的脖子上绑一个铃铛，那么如果他来到附近，我们听到铃声就可以马上逃跑。” 大家都赞同这个建议，这时一只聪明的老耗子站出来说：“这的确是个绝妙的主意，但是谁来给猫的脖子上绑铃铛呢？”老鼠们面面相觑，谁也没有说话。
A lady went to a hat shop to buy a hat. As she was very fussy, it took her a long time to pick on one。 Already at the end of his patience the salesman was afraid that she might change her mind again so he tried to flatter her: "An excellent choice, madam.You look at least ten years younger with this hat on!" To his dismay, the lady took off her hat at once and said: "I don’t want a hat that makes me look ten years older as soon as I take it off. Show me some more hats!" 一位妇女到一家帽子店买帽子。她很挑剔，用了很长时间才选好了一顶。 已经忍耐到极限的售货员害怕她再改变主意，便恭维她：“你做了极好的选择，夫人。你戴上这顶帽子看上去起码年轻十岁！” 但令他沮丧的是，这位女士马上摘下了她的帽子说：“我不想要一顶摘下来便使我立刻显得老十岁的帽子。多拿一些帽子给我看看！”drink like a fish A guy hosted a dinner party for people from work, including his boss. All during the sit-down dinner, the host's three-year-old girl stared at her father's boss sitting across from her. The girl could hardly eat her food for staring. The man checked his tie, felt his face for food, patted his hair in place, but nothing stopped her from staring at him. He tried his best to ignore her but, finally it was too much for him. He asked her, "Why are you staring at me.?" Everyone at the table had noticed her behaviour and the table went quiet for her response. The little girl said, "My Daddy said you drink like a fish and I don't want to miss it!" 牛饮 某人举办一场宴会招待他的同事，包括他的老板。 吃饭的时候，男主人的3岁小女儿目不转睛地盯着对面她父亲的老板看，甚至没有吃东西。 老板先检查了领事，然后抹抹脸上看有没有食物，再整整头发。那小女孩依然盯着他看。他尽力不去注意这事，但这太难了。他忍不住问小女孩：“你为什么老盯着我看？” 桌子上的每个人都注意到了这事，安静地盼着她的回答。 小女孩说：“爸爸说你象牛饮，我可不想错过看到！”款待 Treat 英汉双语笑话 As a rookie in the Atlantic City, N.J., Police department, I was assigned a beat on the boardwalk. Hardly a day went by when I didn't come upon a child who had become separated from his parents. One afternoon, I spotted a small boy standing alone, obviously lost. I tried to gain his confidence - I took him to the nearest ice-cream stand and bought him a cone. Time passed with no sign of the boy's parents, so the next step was to call for a patrol car to take him to headquarters. I told the small fry to stay put while I went to the call box. When I returned, he was nowhere in sight. Within minutes, the car arrived, and one of the patrolmen asked me where the child was. I felt stupid; it's humiliating to say you've lost a lost child. But I told the officers what had happened and gave a description of the boy. "What did you treat him?" asked one of the men. "An ice-cream cone. Why?" "Because," answered the officer, "that kid lives only a few blocks from here, and you've about the fifth rookie he's conned for a treat!" 我是新泽西州大西洋城警察局的一名新警察。我被指派巡逻一条海滨的路线，几乎每天都能碰上与父母走散的孩子。 一天下午，我发现一个小孩独自站在那里，显然是迷了路。我先是设法取得他的信任－我带他到附近的冰淇淋摊给他买了一个蛋筒。过了很长时间，也没看见他父母的影子，所以我就准备打电话叫辆巡逻车将他送回总部去。我告诉他站在那里别动，我去电话亭打电话。当我回来时，却发现他不知道到哪儿去了。 警车很快来了。一名警察问我小孩在哪里。我感觉自己傻极了，说自己弄丢了一个迷路的小孩，该多丢人啊！但我还是告诉了警察们所发生的一切，并描述了一下小孩的长相。“你请他吃了什么？”一名警察问。 “一个冰淇淋蛋筒。怎么啦？” “因为，”那名警察说，“那个小孩住的地方离这儿只隔几个街区。而你大概是新警察中帮他买东西吃的第五个傻瓜蛋！” 一切都正常 Things Have Been Okay A young couple were becoming anxious about their four-year-old son, who had not yet talked. They took him to specialists, but the doctors found nothing wrong with him. Then one morning at breakfast the boy suddenly blurted, "Mom, the toast is burned." "You talked! You talked!" Shouted his mother. "I'm so happy! But why has it taked this long?" "Well, up till now," Said the boy, "things have been okay." 一对年轻夫妇有个儿子，已经四岁了，还没有开品说话，他们对此深感焦虑。他们带他去找专家诊治，但医生们总觉得他没有毛病。后来有一天早上吃早餐时，那孩子突然开口了：“妈妈，面包烤焦了。” “你说话了!你说话了!”他母亲叫了起来。“我太高兴了!但为什么花了这么长的时间呢？” “哦，在这之前，”那男孩说，“一切都很正常。”
In Sunday school, the minister was trying to illustrate the word miracle. "Boys and girls," he said, "suppose I stood on the roof of a ten-story building, lost my balance and fell off. Then all of a sudden in midair, a whirlwind swept me up and brought me safely to the ground. Now what word would you use to describe this?"
After a long silence a boy raised his hand and said, "Luck?"
"True, true," replied the minister. "It could be luck - but that's not the word I wanted. I'll repeat the story. There I am on top of the ten-story building again, and I fall. A whirlwind catches me in midair and places me safely on the ground. Think now - what word would describe the situation?"
"Accident," cried out one girl.
"No, no," answered the minister. "Listen carefully for the third time. I'm on the same building; I fall and am swept to safety by a sudden whirlwind. What word could account for my safely reaching the ground?"
The boys and girls shouted in unison:"Practice!"
在主日学校里，牧师正举例说明“奇迹”一词的意义。“孩子们，”他说：“假如我站在一座十层高的楼顶上，失去平衡掉了下来。在跌落到半空中时，突然刮来一阵旋风，把我举起来，使我安全着陆。想想看，该用什么词来描绘这件事？”
很长时间没有回答。后来一个男孩举手说：“运气”
“好吧，好吧，”牧师回答说：“可以说是运气，不过那不是我想要的词。我再讲一遍这个故事。我还是在一座十层高的楼顶上，从上面摔下来。一阵旋风在半空中把我托住，使我安全返回地面。好好想一下，该用什么词来描绘这一情景呢？”
“意外，”有个女孩大声说。
“不对，不对，”牧师说：“你们仔细听，再听一遍。我还是在那座楼顶上，摔下来时被一阵突然刮来的旋风托住，转危为安。用什么词来解释我安全返回地面这事？”
孩子们齐声叫道：“反复练习！”l。 缠住不放 Persistance 英汉双语笑话 Returning from a golf outing, my husband was greeted at the door by Sara, our four-year-old daughter. "Daddy, who won the golf game? You or Uncle Richie?" "Uncle Richie and I don't play golf to win," my husband hedged. "We just play to have fun." Undaunted, Sare said, "Okay, Daddy, who had more fun?" 丈夫打完高尔夫球回来，我们四岁的女儿莎拉在门口迎了上去。“爸爸，谁赢了高尔夫球比赛，是你还是理查叔叔？” “我和理查叔叔打高尔夫球不是为赢，”丈夫推诿说。“我们打球只是为了好玩而已。” 莎拉毫不气馁，又问：“那么，爸爸，谁觉得更好玩呢？” What miles on The Car?
A blonde（金发女郎） and a brunette（黑人妇女） were talking, and the blonde was very stressed. The brunette asked her what was the matter. The blonde proceeded to tell her that she really needed to sell her car, but no one would buy because it has 100,000 miles on it.
The brunette said to her, "I know a way that will help you sell it. I have a friend who can help you, but it\'s illegal."
The blonde said, " I\'ll do anything." So the brunette gave the blonde the phone number of a guy who could turn back the odometer on her car. A week later the blonde and the brunette crossed paths, and the brunette asked the blonde if she had sold her car yet.
The blonde said, "Why would I sell a car with only 50,000 miles on it?!"
Puberty
青春期
One evening, in the midst of dinner preparation, our 10-year-old daughter asked, "Mommy, what\'s puberty?" My wife was rushed at the moment, so she suggested that Peggy look up the word in the dictionary, after which they could talk about it. A few minutes later, Peggy
returned. Her mother asked what the dictionary had said. "Puberty means," announced Peggy, "the earliest age at which a girl is able to bear children." "What do you think of that?" my wife asked. "I\'m not sure," Peggy relied. "I\'ve always been able to bear children. It\'s adults I can\'t bear." 一天晚上，在准备晚饭的时候，我们十岁的女儿问：“妈妈，什么是青春期？”我的妻子此时正忙得不亦乐乎，所以她建议佩吉到字典上查这个词，然后她们可以再讨论它。 几分钟以后，佩吉回来了。她妈妈问字典上怎么说。 “青春期的意思是，”佩吉宣布：“一个女孩能忍受孩子的最早年龄。” “你怎么想呢？”我妻子问。 “我不知道，”佩吉回答。“我总能忍受孩子。让我忍受不了的是大人。
Note: bear children: 生孩子。bear 一词也可作“忍受”讲。
A Gentleman 绅
士 Dick was seven years old, and his sister, Catherine, was five. One day their mother took them to their aunt\'s house to play while she went to the big city to buy some new clothes.
The children played for an hour, and then at half past four their aunt took Dick into the kitchen. She gave him a nice cake and a knife and said to him, "Now here\'s a knife, Dick. Cut this cake in half and give one of the pieces to your sister, but remember to do it like a gentleman.""Like a gentleman?" Dick asked. "How do gentlemen do it?""They always give the bigger piece to the other person." answered his aunt at once."Oh" said Dick. He thought about this for a few seconds. Then he took the cake to his sister and said to her,"Cut this cake in half, Catherine.".
迪克年龄七岁，他的妹妹凯瑟琳五岁。一天，妈妈把他们带到姨妈家去玩，自己就到大城市去买些新的衣服。
孩子们玩了个把小时，在四点半的时候，姨妈领着迪克走进了厨房。她交给迪克一块精美的蛋糕和一把刀子，并对他说：“喏，迪克，给你刀子，把这块蛋糕一切为二，给你妹妹一块。不过，你得记住要做得像一个绅士那样。”
迪克问：“像一个绅士？绅士怎样做呢？”
他姨妈马上回答说：“绅士总是把大的一块让给别人的。”
迪克说了一声“噢”。他对此想了一会，然后，他把蛋糕拿给妹妹，并对她说：“凯瑟琳，你来把这块蛋糕一切为二吧。”
I\'m Glad
我很高兴
A Sunday school teacher was telling her pupils the importance of making others glad. "Now, children," said she , "has anyone of you ever make someone else glad?""Please, teacher,"said a small boy,"I\'ve make someone glad yesterday.""Well done. Who was that?""My granny.""Good boy. Now tell us how you made your grandmother glad.""Please, teacher, I went to see her yesterday, and stayed with her three hours. Then I said to her, \'Granny, I\'m going home,\' and she said, \'Well, I\'m glad\'!"
一个主日学校的老师在对学生讲使别人高兴的重要性。“现在，孩子们，”她说：“你们当中有谁让别人高兴过？”“我，老师，”一个小男孩说：“昨天我就使别人高兴过。”“做得好，是谁呢？”“我奶奶。”“好孩子。现在告诉我们，你是怎样使你奶奶高兴的。”“是这样的，老师。我昨天去看她，在她那儿呆了三个小时。然后我跟她说：‘奶奶，我要回家了。’她说：‘啊，我很高兴！’”
The Right Leg 右 腿
Proctor (exceedingly angry): "So you confess that this unfortunate freshman was carried to this frog pond and drenched? now what part did you take in this disgraceful affair?"Soph. (meekly): "The right leg, sir."
学监（非常生气）：“现在你承认这可怜的新生被扔进这蛙池里浑身湿透？那么你在这不光彩的事情里扮演了什么角色呢？”二年级学生（恭顺地）：“右腿，先生。”
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szdarcy 当前离线 Alexander the Great 亚历山大大帝 Landon had made an unsuccessful attempt at the recitation, and the doctor, somewhat nettled, said:"Landon, you don\'t seem to be getting on very fast in this subject. You seem to lack ambition. Why, at your age Alexander the Great had conquered half the world.""Yes," said Landon,"he couldn\'t help it, for you will recall the fact, doctor, that Alexander the Great had Aristotle for a teacher."
兰登作了一次不成功的朗诵。老师有点不悦，对他说道：“兰登，你在这门课上好像进步不大，你好像缺乏志向。亚历山大大帝在你这个年龄可已经征服了半个世界。”“是啊，”兰登说，“他没法不那样。博士先生，您回想一下史实，亚历山大大帝有亚里士多德做他的老师。”
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Class and Ass“班”和“笨驴”
Professor Laurie of Glasgow put this notice on his door: "Professor Laurie will not meet his classes today."A student, after reading the notice, rubbed out the "c". Later Professor Laurie came along, and entering into the spirit of the joke, rubbed out the "l". 格拉斯哥的劳里教授在门上贴了这样一个通知：“劳里教授今天不会他的班。”
一个学生读了通知后，擦掉了字母“C”。后来劳里教授来了，也想开开玩笑，他擦掉了字母“L”。
Billy and Bobby were small boys. They were brothers, and they often had fights with each other.Last Saturday their mother said to them, "I\'m going to cook our lunch now. Go out and play in the garden - and be good.""Yes, Mummy," the two boys answered, and they went out.They played in the garden for half an hour, and then Billy ran into the kitchen, "Mummy, " he said, "Bobby\'s broken a window in Mrs. Allen\'s house." Mrs. Allen was one of their neighbors."He\'s a bad boy," his mother said. "How did he break it?""I threw a stone at him," Billy answered,"and he quickly moved down.". 比利和波比得出是小男孩。他们是兄弟，两人经常打架。上个星期六，他们的妈妈对他们说：“我现在要做午饭了。去，到花园去玩吧，别淘气。”“是，妈妈，”两个男孩回答，然后他们就出去了。他们在花园里玩了半个小时，然后比利跑进了厨房。“妈妈，”他说：“波比打碎了艾伦太太家的窗玻离。”艾伦太太是他们的邻居。“他是个坏孩子，”他的妈妈说。“他是怎么把玻璃打碎的？”“我朝他扔了一块石子，”比利回答：“他赶紧蹲下。”
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Mr. and Mrs. Taylor had a seven-year-old boy named Pat. Now Mrs. Taylor was expecting another child.Pat had seen babies in other people\'s houses and had not liked them very much, so he was not delighted about the news that there was soon going to be one in his house too.One evening Mr. and Mrs. Taylor were making plans for the baby\'s arrival. "This house won\'t be big enough for use all when the baby comes," said Mr. Taylor.Pat came into the room just then and said, "What are you talking about?""We were saying that we\'ll have to move to another house now, because the new baby\'s coming," his mother answered."It\'s no use," said Pat hopelessly, "He\'ll follow us there."
泰勒夫妇有一个七岁的男孩，名叫帕特。现在泰勒太太正怀着第二胎。
帕特在别人家看见过婴和，他不太喜欢他们，所以他对自己家里也将有一个鹦儿的消息感到不满。一天晚上，泰勒夫妇正在为这个婴儿的降生计划做安排。泰勒先生说：“有了婴儿，我们的房就太小，不够住了。”帕特恰好在这个时候走进屋，他问：“你们在说什么？”他的母亲回答说：“我们在说我们现在得搬家，因为婴儿就要诞生了。”“那没用，”帕特绝望地说。“他会跟我们到那儿去的。”
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Our teacher was telling us about a new system of memory training being used in some schools today."It works like this ," she said. "Suppose you wanted to remember the name of a poet -- Robert Burns, for instance." She told us to think of him as Bobby Burns. "Now get in your head a picture of a London policeman, a bobby in flames, See? Bobby Burns!""I see what you mean," said the class know-it-all. "But how can you tell that it\'s Not Robert Browning?". 我们的老师正在给我们介绍现在某些学校使用的一种新的记忆训练系统。“这个系统是这亲的，”她说。“假定你要记住一个诗人的名字——例如，要记住罗伯特?彭斯的名字。”她告诉我们把他当作博比?彭斯。“让你的脑海里闪现出一个伦敦警察的形象，燃烧着的警察。明白吗？警察燃烧！”“我明白你的意思，”班上的万事通说。“但是你怎么说那就不是罗伯特?布朗宁呢？”
The nice women are ugly.
好女人不漂亮
The beautiful women are not nice.
漂亮女人不好
The beautiful and nice women are stupid in general.
又漂亮又好的女人一般都很愚蠢
The beautiful, nice and clever women are married.
又漂亮又好又不愚蠢的女人都结婚了
The women who are not so beautiful but are nice women are born in poverty.
不是很漂亮但是很好的女人却出身贫寒。
The women who are not so beautiful but are nice women born in noble think we are only after their lordiness .
不是很漂亮但是很好又出身高贵的女人会认为我们看上的是她们的权势。
The beautiful women without lordliness are after our lordliness.
而没有权势但是很漂亮的女人看上的是我们的权势。
The clever women, who are not so nice and somewhat beautiful don’t think we are clever enough.
不是很好但是很漂亮又很聪明的女人却嫌我们不够聪明。
The women who think we are clever, that are nice, somewhat clever and have lordliness have a lot of pursuers.
又好又聪明又出身高贵又觉得我们聪明的女人都有很多追求者。
The women who are somewhat beautiful, somewhat nice and have some lordliness and thank God are clever and always maintain many candidates
又好又漂亮又出身高贵而且又聪明的女人总是脚踏几条船。
The women who never make the first move, automatically lose interest on us when we take the initiative.
那些从不主动的女人一旦我们采取主动就对我们失去兴趣
NOW，WHO IN THE HELL UNDERSTANDS WOMEN?
现在，到底有谁了解女人这东西？ I WANT A NIGHTMARE 想做坏梦
Before the final examination, Tom told his mother, "Mom, I had a dream last night that I\' passed today\'s exam." "Don\'t trust dreams, dear. It is said what you experience in dreams usually turns out to be the opposite." Mother replied. "Then I do hope I\'ll fail the other subjects n my dream tonight," Tom said.
在期末考试之前，汤姆告诉他的母亲："妈妈，我昨天晚上做了一个梦，梦见我通过了今天的考试。""不要相信梦，亲爱的。据说梦中的经历通常与现实相反。"妈妈答道。"那么，我真希望在今晚的梦中，我的其他功课都不及格。"汤姆说。I CAN GO HOME. 我可以回家了
One day after school the teacher said to his students, "Tomorrow morning, if any one of you can answer my first question, I will permit him or her to go home
earlier." The next day, when the teacher came into the classroom, he found the blackboard daubed. He was very angry and asked, "Who did it? Please stand up!" "It\'s me," said Bob, "Now, I can go home. Good-bye, Sir."
一天，放学以后，老师对他的学生们说："明天上午，如果你们当中的任何一个同学能首先回答我的问题，我就准许他或她最先回家。"第二天，老师走进教室时发现黑板被涂得乱七八糟，他非常生气的问："谁涂的？请站起来！"鲍勃说："先生，是我，现在我可以回家了，再见！"I\'M NOT HAVING IT ALL CUT OFF. 没把头发全剪掉啊！
Miles sometime went to the barber\'s during working hours to have his hair cut. But this was against the office rules: clerks had to have their hair cut in their own time. While Miles was at the barber\'s one day, the manager of the office came in by chance to have his own hair cut and sat just beside him.
"Hello, Miles," the manager said. "I see that you are having your hair cut in office time."
"Yes, sir, I am," admitted Miles calmly. "You see, sir, it grows in office time."
"Not all of it," said the manager at once. "Some of it grows in your own time."
"Yes, sir, that\'s quite true." Answered Miles politely, "but I\'m not having it all cut off."
麦尔斯有时在上班时间去理发馆理发，但这是违反办公室规定的：职员只能利用自己的时间理发。一天，正当麦尔斯理发时，经理碰巧也进来理发，而且就坐在他旁边。
"你好，麦尔斯，"经理说。"我看到你在上班时间理发了。"
"是的，先生。正是这样。"麦尔斯平静地承认了。"可先生，你看，头发是在上班时间长的。"
"不全都是吧，"经理立刻说，"有一些是在你自己的时间里长的。"
"对呀，先生，你说得很对。"麦尔斯礼貌地回答说，"但我并没有把头发全都剪掉啊。"DID YOUR DAD HELP YOU? 你爸爸帮你了吗？One day, Tim\'s mathematics teacher looked at his homework and saw that he had got all his sums right. The teacher was very pleased-and rather surprised. He called Tim to his desk and said to him, "You got all your homework right this time, Tim. What happened? Did your father help you?"
"No, sir. He was too busy last night, so I had to do it all myself," said Tim. 你爸爸帮你了吗？ 一天，蒂姆的数学老师看了他的作业，发现他全做对了。老师很高兴，同时也十分惊讶。他把蒂姆叫到桌前说："蒂姆，你这次的作业全都做对了，怎么回事？你爸爸帮你做了吗？"
"不，先生，我爸爸昨天很忙，我不得不全由自己做了。"TOM\'S EXCUSE 汤姆的借口Teacher: Tom, why are you late for school every day?
Tom: Every time I come to the corner, a sign says, "School-Go Slow". 汤姆的借口 老师：汤姆，您为什么每天上学迟到？
汤姆：我每次路过拐角，一个路标上面写着："学校----慢行。" An Answer 答复 Another wrote asking why his girl always closed her eyes when he kissed her． The editor wrote that if the young man would send in his photograph they likely would be able to tell． 有人来信问道，为什么他吻女友时，她总是闭着眼睛。编辑回信说，如果那年轻人能把他的相片寄去的话，他们大概就能回答了。
The Badge of A Fool 傻瓜的标记
A certain man reading a book that treated of the secrets of nature， fell upon a chapter in which\'t was said that a man who has a long beard wears the badge of a fool．Upon which our reader takes up the candle in his hand， for\'t was in the nighttime， and views himself in the glass， and inconsiderately burns above half his beard off； whereupon he immediately takes upthe pen and writes in the margin of the book，“Proba tumest，”—that is， I know him to be a fool．
某人在读一本论述大自然奥秘的书时，忽然看到有一章节，其中说长着长胡鬓的男人即带有傻瓜的标记。于是我们 的读者立即擎起烛台——因为那是在夜间——照看自己在镜 子里的尊容，一不小心烧掉了他一半多胡鬓。于是他立即拿 起笔，在书页空边上写道：“Proba tum est”，即我知道他是个傻瓜。You Are Too Late 你太晚了 on the bus a man discovered a pick-pocket\'s hand thrust into his pocket.
"sorry," he said to the pickpocket, "you are too late. My wife did it before you."
在公共汽车上一人发现一个小偷把手伸到了他的口袋里。 “对不起，”他对小偷说，“你太晚了，我妻子在你之前就做过同样的事情了。”Rules for Success 成功法则 young doctor: Well, Dad, now that I\'m hanging out my shingle, can you give me some rules for success?
Father: Always write your prescriptions illegibly and your bills very plainly.
年轻的医生：哦，爸，现在我都挂牌开诊了，你能给我些成功法则吗？ 父亲：总是把药方写的难以辨认，而帐单却清清楚楚。Send the Bill to My Father 把帐单给我父亲 Doctor: I can do nothing for your complaint. It is hereditary. Patient: then send the bill to my father, please. 医生： 对你的抱怨我无能为力。 那是遗传病。 病人： 那请你把帐单给我父亲吧。有关布什的幽默 English for beginners with Mr. George W. Bush!!!
Conversation between George W. Bush and his National Security Advisor, Condolezza Rice:
George: Condi! Nice to see you. What’s happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That’s what I want to know.
Condi: That’s what I’m telling you.
George: That’s what I’m asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow’s name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya’ asking me for?
Condi: I’m telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I’m asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That’s the man’s name.
George: That’s who’s name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condi: That’s correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China.
Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don’t want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
(Condi picks up the phone.)
Condi: Rice, here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?Why a Man Needs a Woman
One of my persistent fantasies used to be of sitting at a sidewalk café in Paris. I would be writing with my pen in a notebook while smoking. I would not be writing economics. I would be writing a novel or perhaps poetry or even a philosophical treatise. But I would frequently raise my eyes to watch the girls go by.
I no longer have that fantasy. I do, however, eat from time to time outdoors at a restaurant on the street leading to the Kennedy Center. I don’t try to write there. Instead, I watch the passers by.
I am not concentrating on girls. I am concentrating on married couples, and I look particularly at the women. They are not glamorous. No Marilyn Monroes.Some are pretty, but many would be considered plain. Since they are on their way to the Kennedy Center to attend a play,an opera or a concert, one may assume they are above average in cultural literacy.In other respects they are,like most people,average.
But to the man whose hand or arm she is holding, she is not “average.“ She is the whole world to him.
Genesis says, “ And the Lord God said:‘ It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.’“ And so, “ made he a woman.“ It doesn’t say that he made a pretty or a witty woman, or an any kind of adjective woman. He made the basic woman.
Why is this basic woman so valuable to the man? Three things:
First, she is a warm body in bed. I don’t refer to sexual activity. That is important. But I refer to something that is, if possible, even more primitive: human contact.
A baby crying in its crib doesn’t want conversation or a gold ring.He wants to be held and patted. dults need that physical contact also. They need to cuddle together for warmth and comfort in an indifferent or cold world. The plain woman and plain man do that for each other.
But conversation is also important. These couples may have been talking to each other for 30 years or more. You might think they have nothing left to say. But still they can talk to each other in ways they cannot talk to anyone else. He can tell her of something good he has done without fearing she will think he is bragging. He can count on her interest and understanding.
The primary purpose of this conversation is not to convey information. Its purpose is to say, “ I am here, and I know that you are here.“
Third, the woman serves the man’s need to be needed. If no one needs you, what good are you? Other people--ployers, students, readers--y say they need you. But in such relationships you are replaceable at some price. To this woman you are not replaceable at any price. That gives you the self esteem to meet the world every day.
So this “ ordinary“ woman--one like 50 million others in America--as great value to this man. And while I have written these views from a man’s point of view, I don’t think the relationship is one-ided. On the contrary, I am sure it is reciprocal.
I can hear you saying: “ How do you know all this? You are only an economist, practitioner of the dismal science. “ That is true. But my wife and I walked up that hill to the Kennedy Center many times.英语幽默短文
Once upon a time there was a clever, wily peasant, whose tricks could be much talked about. The best story, however, is how he once got the best of the devil and made a fool of him. One day the peasant had been working in his field, and just as it was getting dark he was getting ready to go home when in the middle of his field he saw a pile of burning coals. Filled with amazement he walked toward it, and sitting on the top of the glowing coals there was a little black devil. "You must be sitting on a treasure," said the peasant. "Yes indeed," replied the devil, "on a treasure that contains more gold and silver than you have ever seen in your life." "The treasure is in my field and belongs to me," said the peasant. "It is yours," answered the devil, "if for two years you will give me one half of everything your field produces. I have enough money, but I have a desire for the fruits of the earth." The peasant entered into the bargain, saying, "To prevent any dispute from arising about the division, everything above the ground shall belong to you, and everything beneath the ground to me." The devil was quite satisfied with that, but the cunning peasant had planted turnips. Now when harvest time came the devil appeared and wanted to take away his crop, but he found nothing except the yellow withered leaves, and the happy peasant dug up his turnips. "You got the best of me this time," said the devil, "but it won't happen again. Next time what grows above ground shall be yours, and what is under it shall be mine." "That is all right with me," answered the peasant. When planting time came the peasant did not plant turnips again, but wheat. The crop ripened, and the peasant went into the field and cut the full stalks off at ground level. When the devil came he found nothing but the stubble, and he angrily disappeared into a chasm in a cliff. "That's the way one has to deal with foxes," said the peasant, then carried away the treasure. 从前有位远见卓识、机智聪明的农夫，有关他足智多谋的故事至今人们仍广为传颂。其中最精彩的要首推他曾经怎样捉弄魔鬼的故事。 一天，农夫在田间劳动了一整天，天黑时正准备回家，忽然发现自己的田里有堆煤在燃烧，他惊讶万分，於是便走上前去看，发现竟有一个黑色的小魔鬼走在燃烧的煤堆上。"你是坐在财宝上吗？"农夫问。"正是财宝。"魔鬼答道，"而且比你一生见到的都要多呢！""财宝在我田里就得归我。"农夫说道。"就归你吧！"魔鬼说，"只要你肯将两年内一半的收成给我就行了。钱，我有的是，但我更喜欢地上的果实。"农夫答应了这桩交易，并说："为了避免在我们分配时出现纠纷，凡泥土上的东西归你，泥土下的归我。"魔鬼感到心满意足，但这位聪明的农夫却种上了萝蔔. 现在收穫的季节到了，魔鬼又来了，要求收回属於他的收成。但除了那些枯黄的败叶外，他一无所获；而农夫却在兴高采烈地挖着他的萝蔔."这次让你佔了便宜，"魔鬼说，"下次可不能这样。地上的归你，地下的归我。""悉听尊便。"农夫答道。播种的季节又到了，这次他可不播萝蔔，而是种上了小麦。麦子熟了，他来到田间，把麦秆齐根割倒在地。魔鬼又来了，见到除了残茬外，他又一无所获，气得转身就走，顺着石缝钻了进去。"我就是这样骗倒魔鬼的。"农夫说完，赶紧拾起财宝回家去了。What the f u c k is going on？
（到底他妈的怎么回事？）通常此话出于黑人之口，且口气最宜为疑惑，不解，愤怒等等。若是白人则多数时候会说-What the hell is going on? 意义相同而适用于更多场合。说此话之人身份通常为上级，且相处较久。不过如果你出差回家时看见老婆身边躺着个赤条条的陌生人，那它可就派上大用场了！You son of bitch！（你个狗娘养的！）令人意外的是，最爱说这句话的往往是女性。越高贵，越端庄的女性越容易在压力达到一定值时便会脱口而出。万万不要和有文化的MM顶嘴，否则被骂了还以为受表扬了呢！All rise！（全体起立！）国产英语老师最误人子弟的就是口语太差，爱说想当然口语。从小学到高中英语课代表一直喊的是-Stand up！当然没什么不可以，但为什么不说标准的话呢？就象我们朗读中文时说普通话一样！It’s bullshit！（胡说八道！屁话！）这句话一旦学会，包你用的乐不思蜀。用途太广泛啦！最绝是和老妈抬杠时搬出来，用你的眼睛直视她，以忏悔的口气说出。Damn it！（可恶！）此句往往从某个孤胆英雄的嘴中冒出，发音要轻，然口气要重！此英雄往往正面临生死抉择，例如是先剪蓝线还是先剪红线等，说时要有壮士一去不复返的气势！此句适合用在被MM拒绝时，向MM的背影说出！万万不可忘记要配合以右手中指的朝天一刺！
It’s none of your business！（关你屁事！）此句已接近经典！当你在网上浏览不健康网站遭到网吧老板的劝阻时，它往往能建下奇功！Come on！此句因拥有太多含义，所以注释欠奉。但它确实非常necessary，所有的鬼佬一天不说个十七八遍就会浑身发痒，它的经典之处你就好好体会吧！Ditto！（俺也是！）本不是常用语，不过看过“幽灵”一片的人都染上了男主角的坏习惯。从来不说I love you！总是“俺也是，俺也是！”的把MM们气得口吐白沫！实际上你也可以说“Me too!”或“Me also!”，不过总是不够文艺腔，差了那么一点点味道和情调。How can I forget such a beautiful girl/sexy boy？此句在重逢某个你早已心仪的MM或GG是不妨拿来用用。当对方还沉浸在陶醉中时，你可以利用这段时间好好想想对方的名字！I had no choice！（俺也是被逼无奈啊！）最常用此话的要数那些被男主角逼到悬崖边上的家伙们！俺真的不是有意出卖你老人家的，饶俺一命吧！幽默短文欣赏 Three ReasonsTeacher: John, please give me three reasons why you know the earth is round．John: Mum says so, Dad says so, and you say so.三 条 理 由老师：约翰，请说出三条理由来证实地球是圆的。约翰：妈妈是这么说的，爸爸是这么说的，你也是这么说的！HomeworkTeacher: I＇m able to read one of the compositions you did for homework, but you wrote the other one very poorly．Student: Yes, sir——my mother is a much better writer than my father．家 庭 作 业老师：我只能读通你的一篇作文，另一篇实在是糟透了。学生：是的，先生——我妈妈的文采要比我爸爸的好多了。An Interesting AnswerStudent A: Four sailors fell into the sea, but only one of them got his hair wet.Student B: How was that?Student A: Three of them were bald. Who Is It?A ship was passing by a desert （荒无人烟的） island, where stood a man who was shouting and waving wildly.“Who is it?” the passengers asked the captain.“I don’t know. When we pass here every month, he always does the same.”
有三个人死了，分别是一名医生、一名会计和一名律师。他们来到了圣彼德面前。圣彼德对他们说，如果他们想进入天堂，就得每人回答一个问题。圣彼德看着医生开始发问，“以前电影院放过一部电影，说的是一艘船撞击冰山后沉没，电影的名字是什么？” 医生回答，“＜＜泰坦尼克号＞＞”，医生随即被允许进入天堂。然后圣彼德看着会计说，“船上有多少人遇难？”。会计很走运，因为他刚看过这部电影，回答道，“1500人遇难。”圣彼德把会计也放进天堂了。最后，圣彼德转过身，看着律师，非常严肃地用命令的口吻问道，“把1500人的名字都说出来？” Blind Date
相亲（笑话）
After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave.When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died.""Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"和相亲对象呆了一晚上后，男人再也受不了了。他事先安排了个朋友给他打电话，这样他就能借故先离开了。当他回到桌边，他垂下眼睛，装出一副阴沉的表情，说：“有个不幸的消息，我的祖父刚刚去世了。”“谢天谢地！”他的约会对象说，“如果你的祖父不死，我的祖父就得死了！”The Mean Man's Party
吝啬鬼的聚会
The notorious cheap skate finally decided to have a party. Explaining to a friend how to find his apartment, he said, "Come up to the fifth floor and ring the doorbell with your elbow. When the door open, push with your foot."
"Why use my elbow and foot?"
"Well, gosh," was the reply, "You're not coming empty-handed, are you?" 一个声名狼藉的小气鬼终于决定要请一次客了。他在向一个朋友解释怎么找到他家时说：“你上到五楼，用你的胳膊肘按门铃。门开了后，再用你的脚把门推开。”
“为什么我要用我的肘和脚呢？”
“天哪！” 吝啬鬼回答，“你总不会空着手来吧？”
男女不同
1. SUCCESS 从对成功的定义看…… A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
成功的男人就是：挣得永远比老婆花得多。 A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
成功的女人就是：能找到上述那样的老公。 2. FUTURE 从对未来的看法看…… A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
女人直到找到老公前都在担心未来。 A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
男人直到找到老婆后才开始担心未来。 3. MARRIAGE 从对婚姻的看法看…… A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
女人嫁给一个男人，希望他能改变，可他不。 A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change! And she does.
男人娶了一个女人，希望她永远不变，可她变了。 4. DRESSING UP 从穿着看…… A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
买东西，浇花，倒垃圾，接电话，读书和取信的时候，女人都会打扮。 A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
看到男人穿的正式点，那不是去婚礼就是去葬礼。 5. NATURAL 从容貌的真实度看…… Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
男人起床后和上床前看起来差不多。 Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
女人过了一晚上的容颜会变糟。
6. NAMES 从朋友间的称呼看…… If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.
如果劳瑞，琳达，伊丽莎白和芭芭拉出去吃饭，她们会互相称呼彼此为劳瑞，琳达，伊丽莎白和芭芭拉。 If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.
如果马克，克里斯，埃里克和汤姆出去吃饭，他们会亲切地称对方为胖子，怪兽，傻瓜和刺儿头。
7. EATING OUT 从外出就餐看……When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in a $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
结账的时候，需然只花了32.5美元，马克，克里斯，埃里克和汤姆也会每人都甩出20美元。没人有更小的票子，也没人愿意招认他们其实是想破钱。 When the women get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
轮到女人结账时，她们每个人会掏出个便携式计算器。 8. MONEY 从花钱购物看…… A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
只要用得着，即便值1美元却卖2美元的东西，男人也会买。 A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need, but it's on sale.
只要在打折，2美元的东西只卖1美元，就算用不着，女人也会买。 9. CATS 从对猫的态度看…… Women love cats.
女人喜欢猫。 Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
男人说他们喜欢猫，但是当女人不在场的时候，男人踢猫。
10. BATHROOMS 从浴室看…… A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.
男人浴室有五宝：牙刷，剃须膏，剃须刀，一块肥皂和一块毛巾。 The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
女人浴室里平均有337样东西，男人认不出其中的大多数是干什么用的。
11. ARGUMENTS 从争论看…… A woman has the last word in any argument.
任何争论都以女人说最后一句话为结束。 Anything a man says after that...is the beginning of a new argument.
男人在女人之后说的任何话……都将成为新一轮争吵的开始。 12. OFFSPRING 从对孩子的态度看… A woman know all about her children. She knows about romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
女人了解孩子的方方面面，包括他们的罗曼史，好朋友，喜欢的食物，心底的恐惧、希望以及梦想。 A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
男人模模糊糊地知道和一些小人儿们住在一起。Talking clock 会说话的钟 While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den. "What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends asked. "That is the talking clock," the man replied. "How's it work?"
"Watch," the man said and proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer. Suddenly, someone screamed from the other side of the wall, "Knock it off, you idiot! It's two o'clock in the morning!"
一个学生带他朋友们参观他的新公寓，甚是得意。“那个大铜锣和锤子是干什么用的？”他的一个朋友问他。“那玩意儿厉害了，那是一个会说话的钟”，学生回答。“这钟怎么工作的”，他的朋友问。“看着，别眨眼了”，那学生走上前一把操起铜锣和锤子，拼命地敲了一下，声音震耳欲聋。突然，他们听到隔壁墙那边有人狂叫，“别敲了，你这白痴！现在是凌晨两点钟了！” Snake Talk
Two snakes were crawling along when one snake asked the other, "Are we poisonous snakes?" The other replied, "You're darn right we're poisonous! We're rattlesnakes(响尾蛇). Why do you ask?" To which the first replied, "Because I just bit my tongue."
林肯过生日 Great Event Teacher: What great event happened in 1809?
Little Willy: Abraham Lincoln was born.
Teacher: Correct. And what great event happened in 1812?
Little Willy: Abraham Lincoln had his third birthday. 老师：1809年发生了什么重大事件？ 小威利：亚伯拉罕-林肯诞生。 老师：正确。那么1812年发生了什么重要事件呢？ 小威利：亚伯拉罕-林肯过他的三周岁生日。那就更糟了 Much WorseMuch WorsePoliceman: Why didn't you shout for help when you were robbed of your watch?
Man: If I had opened my mouth, they'd have found my four gold teeth. That would be much worse.中文：警察：有人抢你的手表时，你为什么不呼救呢？
男子：要是我张口的话，他们就会发现我的四颗金牙。那就更糟了。 U married mine 英汉双语笑话 Little boy: Daddy, I want to get married.
Father jokingly said: Oh! Who did you have in mind?
Little boy: Grandma.
Father: Wait a minute, you did not think I'd let you marry my mother, did you?
Little boy: Why not? You married mine. 中文翻译：
小男孩：爸爸，我想结婚。
爸爸打趣地问道：噢！谁是你心中合适的人选？
小男孩：奶奶。
爸爸：等一下，你认为我会让你娶我的妈妈？
小男孩：为什么不？你娶了我的妈妈。Two Lines In Heaven
Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven.
God comes and says "I want the men to make two lines.
One line for the men that dominated their women on earth
and the other line for the men that were whipped by their women.
Also, I want all the women to go with St Peter."Said and done, and there are two lines. The line of the men
that were whipped was 100 miles long,
and the line of men that dominated women, there was only one man.God got mad and said. "You men should be ashamed of yourselves.
I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates.
Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud.
Learn from him! Tell them, my son,
how did you manage to be the only one on that line?"The man said, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."世上的每一个人都上了天堂 神说 :
" 要男人分成两队 , 一是在世上控制女人的男人 ,
另一是被女人鞭打的男人 .
另外女子自成一队 , 跟着圣彼德去 ."队伍列好后 , 一是被女人鞭打的 ,
有 100 英里长 , 一是在世上控制女人的 ,
仅有一人 .神生气的说 :" 你们男人应该感到羞耻 ,
我按照自己的形象创造了你们 ,
而你们被女子鞭打 . 看看 , 我唯一的儿子 ,
站着使我骄傲 . 你们应该向他学习 .
告诉他们 , 儿子 ,
你如何成为唯一站在这一队上的 ?"
这男子回说 :" 我不知道 , 我太太叫我站在这的 !"
A little boy asked his father: Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?
The father replied: I don 't know son. I 'm still paying!!
一个小男孩问他的爸爸，结婚要花多少钱？爸爸说：我不知道，因为我仍然在付帐。
令人苦笑不得的遗言
The death bed can lead people to speak with great honesty and,inmany cases, humor。
人之将死，其言也真，有时候还会带点幽默。
1. Pardon me, sir. I did not do it on purpose。
原谅我，先生。我不是故意这样做的。
Said by: Queen Marie Antoinette after she accidentallysteppedonthe foot of her executioner as she went to theguillotine。
出自： 玛丽·安托瓦内特王后，她上断头台的时候，不小心踩了刽子手一脚。
2. I cant sleep
我睡不着。
Said by: J. M. Barrie, author of Peter Pan
3. Hey, fellas! How about this for a headline for tomorrows paper? ‘French Fries!
嗨，伙计们！明天的报纸头条这样写怎样：“法式炸薯条”！
Said by: James French, a convicted murderer, was sentenced to the electric chair. He shouted these words to mrs of the presswhowereto witness his execution。
出自：詹姆斯·弗兰彻，杀人犯，他被终身判决为上电椅死刑。他对亲见他受刑的媒体人员说出了这句话。(注“法式炸薯条”原文‘FrenchFries，此人也姓French，被判坐电椅，所以说自己被炸了。)
4. Its stopped。
它停下来了。
Said by: Joseph Henry Green, upon checking his own pulse。
出自：约瑟夫·亨利·格林，他摸了摸自己的脉搏。
5. Please dont let me fall。
请不要让我掉下去。
Said by: Mary Surratt, before being hanged for her partin the conspiracy to assassinate President Lincoln. She was the first woman executed by the United States federal government。
出自：玛丽· 苏拉特，她因参与同谋刺杀林肯总统而被处以绞刑。她是美国联邦政府第一个被处死的女人。
6. Now, now, my good man, this is no time formakingenemies。
现在，现在，我的好兄弟，我可没时间再树敌了。
Said by: Voltairewhen asked by a priest to renounce Satan。
出自：伏尔泰，他临终前，一位牧师请他与撒旦断绝关系。 奥巴马胜选演说稿文言版
Hello，Chicago!
芝城父老，别来无恙，
If there is anyone out there who still doubts that America is a place where all things are possible, who still wonders if the dream of our founders is alive in our time, who still questions the power of our democracy, tonight is your answer。
余尝闻世人有疑，不知当今美利坚凡事皆可成就耶？开国先贤之志方岿然于世耶？民主之伟力不减于昔年耶？凡存诸疑者，今夕当可释然。
It’s the answer told by lines that stretched around schools and churches in numbers this nation has never seen, by people who waited three hoursand four hours, many for the first time in their lives, because they believed that this time must be different, that their voices could be that difference。
今夕之释然，皆蒙美利坚民众之协力——学塾祠庙之外，市井乡野之间，万千父老心焦似焚，苦待竟日，愿献一票之力。其中，平生未尝涉国事者，数亦不少，而今有此义举，皆因一念不衰——今夫天下，非同既往，愿发吁天之声，必成动地之势。
It’s the answer spoken by young and old, rich and poor, Democrat and Republican, black, white, Hispanic, Asian, Native American, gay,straight, disabled and not disabled. Americans who sent a message tothe world that we have never been just a collection of individuals or acollection of red states and blue states. We are, and always will be,the United States of America。
今夕之释然，皆仰吾国同胞之齐心——何谈贫富老幼之差、党社宗族之异，惶论发肤肌体之别、志趣爱恶之分。吾国既以“合众”为名，吾辈则更无疏离之意，红蓝二党并肩而立，数十邦州挽手相合，无分你我，共称一家，昂然于世，齐声一呼，天下乃有此释然。
It’s the answer that led those who’ve been told for so long by so many to becynical and fearful and doubtful about what we can achieve to put their hands on the arc of history and bend it once more toward the hope of abetter day。
今夕之释然，皆因愤懑者之镇静，忧惧者之勇气，犹疑者之笃定——平素世间种种，消磨其志向，溃灭其梦想，而值此风云之际，除旧更新，当仁不让，倾力而动乾坤者，更何人哉！
It’s been a long time coming, but tonight, because of what we did on this date in this election at this defining moment change has come to America。
俟之诚久，其志弥坚。幸天地明察，乃有今日，乃有此刻，乃有此一选举，乃有我亿万美利坚大好国民——吾邦之大变革，方得自兹而始也！
A little bit earlier this evening, I received an extraordinarily gracious call from Sen. McCain。
Sen.Mc Cain fought long and hard in this campaign. And he’s fought evenlonger and harder for the country that he loves. He has endured sacrifices for America that most of us cannot begin to imagine. We arebetter off for the service rendered by this brave and selfless leader.I congratulate him; I congratulate Gov. Palin for all that they’veachieved. And I look forward to working with them to renew this nation’s promise in the months ahead。
顷接参议员麦君凯恩电，虽未得晤，幸有一谈，其言谆谆，其意诚诚，鄙人感佩之至。选战期内，麦君劳碌几重，奔波几许，皆为国家计。诸般求索，时日良多，皆非余所能及。于国于民之惊人牺牲，亦非庸庸如吾辈者所可想见。以麦君之胆魄襟怀，能为吾邦所用，实国家之幸，万民之幸也。前途漫漫，其事未竟，余所盼瞩由衷者，唯共麦凯恩君、佩林君，及诸贤士比肩，会吾等之绵力，成吾邦之大业。
I want to thank my partner in this journey, a man who campaigned from his heart, and spoke for the men and women he grew upwith on the streets of Scranton and rode with on the train home to Delaware, the vice president-elect of the United States, Joe Biden。
乔君拜登，亦吾所感铭至深者也。竞选之业，艰险不足与外人道，幸有乔君之辅佐，其诚天可鉴之。乔君其人，素言恳辞切，意笃情真，盖尝经斯兰克顿街乡邻之提命，饱聆特拉华州父老之晤教也。他日余既登总统之位，乔君必当副之。
And I would not be standing here tonight without the unyielding support of my best friend for the last 16 years the rock of our family, the loveof my life, the nation’s next first lady Michelle Obama。
拙荆米氏，追随鄙人凡一十六年，既为爱侣，更为挚友，既为吾阖家之基石，又乃余终生之至爱。鄙人尝自忖度，倘无贤妻若此，今朝阔论高谈于此处者，不知何人矣！
Sashaand Malia I love you both more than you can imagine. And you have earned the new puppy that’s coming with us to the new White House。
小女萨沙、玛丽，余素深喜之。昔日为父尝与汝等言，此番选战若得一胜，愿购小犬一头相赠，待阖家乔迁总统府邸之日，偕汝等同进吾宅。今当胜负已出，既有一诺在前，必自践行不欺也。
And while she’s no longer with us, I know my grandmother’s watching, along with the family that made me who I am. I miss them tonight. I know that my debt to them is beyond measure。
祖母大人虽已仙逝，料必有灵在天，俯察人寰，想应颔首开颜矣。吾奥巴马氏列祖列宗，亦当如是。今日今时，此情此景，鄙人追思之心，乌鸟之情，曷其有极！唯生死陌路，仙凡有别，虽怀反哺之心，而无答报之门也！
To my sister Maya, my sister Alma, all my other brothers and sisters,thank you so much for all the support that you’ve given me. I am grateful to them。
至若玛雅、艾玛二姐妹，以及吾家诸同胞，所惠我者，亦属良多，久沐恩德，此当拜谢。
Andto my campaign manager, David Plouffe, the unsung hero of thiscampaign, who built the best — the best political campaign, I think, inthe history of the United States of America.To my chief strategistDavid Axelrod who’s been a partner with me every step of the way.To thebest campaign team ever assembled in the history of politics you madethis happen, and I am forever grateful for what you’ve sacrificed toget it done。
大卫？普劳夫君，大卫？阿克塞罗德君，一为鄙人竞选事务之经理，一为鄙人国事韬略之智囊。余尝自喟叹，左右谋士，余所仰赖者，皆亘古未见之贤才。普阿二君，则更此中之翘楚。区区不才，有何德能，可得膀臂若此？当此功成之际，感荷之心，亦自拳拳。
But above all, I will never forget who this victory truly belongs to. It belongs to you. It belongs to you。
至于鄙人铭之肺腑，须臾不敢忘怀者，则诸位也。盖今日鄙人之胜绩，实诸位之胜绩，鄙人之荣光，实诸位之荣光！
Iwas never the likeliest candidate for this office. We didn’t start withmuch money or many endorsements. Our campaign was not hatched in thehalls of Washington. It began in the backyards of Des Moines and theliving rooms of Concord and the front porches of Charleston. It wasbuilt by working men and women who dug into what little savings theyhad to give $5 and $10 and $20 to the cause。
余素朴陋，虽有参选之心，并无必胜之志。谋事之初，银资乏匮，从者寥寥；起事之地，皆蔽寓荒斋，不在高阁；成事之基，无非寻常百姓，涓滴之献。
Itgrew strength from the young people who rejected the myth of theirgeneration’s apathy who left their homes and their families for jobsthat offered little pay and less sleep。
It drew strength from thenot-so-young people who braved the bitter cold and scorching heat toknock on doors of perfect strangers, and from the millions of Americanswho volunteered and organized and proved that more than two centurieslater a government of the people, by the people, and for the people hasnot perished from the Earth。
今日之胜，有赖一众热血青年，抛其家，别其室，不辞其苦，不计其酬，矻矻于此——“国中青年爱国之心已泯”之谬论，今可休矣！今日之胜，有赖壮志未已之诸前辈，无惧寒暑，行走奔波，劝说民众。今日之胜，乃数百万美利坚民众之胜，察其意，皆属踊跃为国，观其行，处处谨严有序，足堪告慰二百年前开国之先贤——民有、民治、民享之政体，未尝动摇也！
This is your victory。
嗟夫！此实诸位之功也！
AndI know you didn’t do this just to win an election. And I know youdidn’t do it for me.You did it because you understand the enormity ofthe task that lies ahead. For even as we celebrate tonight, we know thechallenges that tomorrow will bring are the greatest of our lifetime —two wars, a planet in peril, the worst financial crisis in a century。
余知诸君之意非在此一选举，亦非在鄙人一身。盖瞻前路之艰辛，益知此任非同小可也。虽今夕欢贺于此，而明朝酒醒，大患仍自当前，不容有怠——两地烽烟熊熊而起，四海之内纷纷而乱，金融业界惶惶而不得宁。
Evenas we stand here tonight, we know there are brave Americans waking upin the deserts of Iraq and the mountains of Afghanistan to risk theirlives for us.There are mothers and fathers who will lie awake after thechildren fall asleep and wonder how they’ll make the mortgage or paytheir doctors’ bills or save enough for their child’s collegeeducation. There’s new energy to harness, new jobs to be created, newschools to build, and threats to meet, alliances to repair。
是夜，饮宴笙歌之声不绝于耳，而异邦大漠群山中，吾国大好青年，兀自苦戍边塞，惝恍竟夜，性命尚未得安。吾国千万庶民，为人父母者，兀自惴惴难眠，所忧者，乃房宅所贷、病患之费、抚育之资也。至若吾国能源之耗，百业之兴，庠序之教，攻伐之术，怀远之道，亦皆吾等忡忡挂怀者也。
The roadahead will be long. Our climb will be steep. We may not get there inone year or even in one term. But, America, I have never been morehopeful than I am tonight that we will get there. I promise you, we asa people will get there。
渺渺乎其远，如不可达，危危乎其高，若不可攀。朝夕岁月，焉得成就？余不揣愚钝，愿以四载韶华，付诸此业，胜算何如虽不可知，然昂扬必胜之奇志，成就伟业之壮怀，平生未之有也。君子一诺，其重何如，此地今夕，愿斗胆发一狂言——吾辈既在，其事必成！
Therewill be setbacks and false starts. There are many who won’t agree withevery decision or policy I make as president. And we know thegovernment can’t solve every problem. But I will always be honest withyou about the challenges we face. I will listen to you, especially whenwe disagree. And, above all, I will ask you to join in the work ofremaking this nation, the only way it’s been done in America for 221years — block by block, brick by brick, calloused hand by callousedhand。
逶迤坎坷，份内之事。异见争端，料必有之。国中之政府，谅非无所不能者。余所秉承不移者，唯忠信矣。倘有危难于前，必无欺瞒于世。诸君言论臧否，纵悖逆相左之议，余必当洗耳以聆。于此之外，更当恳请诸君，不吝心血，致力报效，以振吾美利坚重兴之业。余亦别无他想，唯盼吾侪协力，延继吾国既肇二百二十一年之大统，汇涓滴之力，而成万世之业。
What began 21 months ago in thedepths of winter cannot end on this autumn night. This victory alone isnot the change we seek. It is only the chance for us to make thatchange. And that cannot happen if we go back to the way things were. Itcan’t happen without you, without a new spirit of service, a new spiritof sacrifice。
昔年冬日，余有志于斯，投身此业，屈指算来，倏然近二载矣。当此秋夜，追思反省，仍无溃退逃亡之意。选战之胜，无非一役之功，余梦寐所思矢志所求者，非在乎此。溯源究本，此役之胜，不过革世变时一大好良机耳。倘止步于斯，垂手而待，或无诸君倾力相援，则壮志丰功，无非泡影，诸般梦想，终必虚妄。
So let us summon a new spirit of patriotism, ofresponsibility, where each of us resolves to pitch in and work harderand look after not only ourselves but each other. Let us remember that,if this financial crisis taught us anything, it’s that we cannot have athriving Wall Street while Main Street suffers. In this country, werise or fall as one nation, as one people。
爱国之心，报国之念，吾人固有之，然逢今日之世，此心此念亦当一变——吾辈各执己业，益当各竭其力，各尽其命，非但为一己之利，而更期普世之荣。今岁，金融业界动荡多舛，细审观之，当可以之为鉴——实业之损，亦是金融之伤。可知，既在邦域之内，吾辈荣辱休戚，皆相与共矣！
Let’s resist the temptationto fall back on the same partisanship and pettiness and immaturity thathas poisoned our politics for so long. Let’s remember that it was a manfrom this state who first carried the banner of the Republican Party tothe White House, a party founded on the values of self-reliance andindividual liberty and national unity.Those are values that we allshare。
党争纷纭，阴谋卑鄙，愚鲁无知，皆腐蚀清白、惑乱政局之弊也，其缘由已久，余今愿与诸君协力，共灭除之。昔年曾有此郡先贤，执共和党之帜，而掌总统府之权。自强独立，自由统一等信念，皆斯人之所倡，亦吾辈之所宗。
Andwhile the Democratic Party has won a great victory tonight, we do sowith a measure of humility and determination to heal the divides thathave held back our progress. As Lincoln said to a nation far moredivided than ours, we are not enemies but friends. Though passion mayhave strained, it must not break our bonds of affection。
今岁选战，吾民主党人幸有一胜，然谦逊和合之心未尝少减。余素信服者，乃山河破碎之际，林肯总统之言——“既是至亲，终不为敌。虽弩张剑拔，而血脉未尝断，情义不少减。”
Andto those Americans whose support I have yet to earn, I may not have wonyour vote tonight, but I hear your voices. I need your help. And I willbe your president, too。
固然，仍有四方志士，不为鄙人所动，另有高明之选。虽终悭此一票之缘，然诸君高论，余亦声声在耳，字字在心。倘能得诸君之援手，鄙人幸甚。他日待余总而统之，亦必不另眼以待也。
Andto all those watching tonight from beyond our shores, from parliamentsand palaces, to those who are huddled around radios in the forgottencorners of the world, our stories are singular, but our destiny isshared, and a new dawn of American leadership is at hand。
吾邦民众，散居天下，各安其命，而其志一也。吾邦鼎盛之势，今已乍现锋芒。
Tothose — to those who would tear the world down: We will defeat you. Tothose who seek peace and security: We support you. And to all those whohave wondered if America’s beacon still burns as bright: Tonight weproved once more that the true strength of our nation comes not fromthe might of our arms or the scale of our wealth, but from the enduringpower of our ideals: democracy, liberty, opportunity and unyieldinghope。
至于心怀叵测，与世人为仇、与天下为敌者，吾邦猛志常在，彼等必取灭亡。心思纯良，久慕大同者，吾辈当倾力以助，鼎力相援。犹疑未定，不知吾自由之邦兴衰如何者，吾辈愿以今日盛况以告之——美利坚之所以谓之“美”者，非刀兵之强，金银之众，实民主、自由、机遇、梦想之美也！
That’sthe true genius of America: that America can change. Our union can beperfected. What we’ve already achieved gives us hope for what we canand must achieve tomorrow。
天自有道，地自有德，恩赋吾邦无上异禀——无他，唯变而已矣。美利坚变革不怠，合众国日趋尽善。当以过往先贤之伟绩，助吾侪今日之雄心，开子孙万世之辉光。
Thiselection had many firsts and many stories that will be told forgenerations. But one that’s on my mind tonight’s about a woman who casther ballot in Atlanta. She’s a lot like the millions of others whostood in line to make their voice heard in this election except for onething: Ann Nixon Cooper is 106 years old。
今岁选战，多开亘古之先，屡传千秋佳话。感我至深者，亚特兰大之老妪安？尼克松？库帕也——库氏之一票，于数百万美利坚民众之选票无异，其所以引人称奇者，其人今岁高龄一百有六矣。
Shewas born just a generation past slavery; a time when there were no carson the road or planes in the sky; when someone like her couldn’t votefor two reasons — because she was a woman and because of the color ofher skin。
当其父辈之时，天道不彰，黑人为奴。库氏其生也不逢时，汽车尚不行于道，飞机未曾起于空，库氏既属黑人，又系女流，票选一事，概无瓜葛。
Andtonight, I think about all that she’s seen throughout her century inAmerica — the heartache and the hope; the struggle and the progress;the times we were told that we can’t, and the people who pressed onwith that American creed: Yes we can。
今日今时，回溯库氏百岁之涯，但见吾邦先贤屡败屡战，且退且进，悲欣交集，甘苦杂陈。幸而正道存焉，壮志存焉，曰：吾辈既在，无所不能。
Ata time when women’s voices were silenced and their hopes dismissed, shelived to see them stand up and speak out and reach for the ballot. Yeswe can。
万马齐喑，其事堪哀，吾邦女界怒而起，愤而争，苦战不歇，历数十载。幸哉库氏，以百岁之高龄，终得亲见女流自立于世，重获天赋之权——吾辈既在，无所不能！
Whenthere was despair in the dust bowl and depression across the land, shesaw a nation conquer fear itself with a New Deal, new jobs, a new senseof common purpose. Yes we can。
当百业萧条，国人绝望哀鸣之际，库氏亲见吾美利坚出旷世之新政，挽狂澜于既倒，扶大厦之将倾，退畏惧之势，扶奋勇之心，终至人各有位，民心乃安——吾辈既在，无所不能！
Whenthe bombs fell on our harbor and tyranny threatened the world, she wasthere to witness a generation rise to greatness and a democracy wassaved. Yes we can。
当吾国良港遭袭，天下桀纣当道，暴政肆虐之时，库氏亲见豪杰群起，民主不衰——吾辈既在，无所不能！
Shewas there for the buses in Montgomery, the hoses in Birmingham, abridge in Selma, and a preacher from Atlanta who told a people that “WeShall Overcome。” Yes we can。
蒙哥马利公车之罢辍，伯明翰城黑人之群起，塞尔玛城血雨腥风之事，库氏般般亲历。更曾亲聆亚特兰大传教之士振臂登高之呼——“吾等必胜！”诚哉斯言！吾辈既在，无所不能！
Aman touched down on the moon, a wall came down in Berlin, a world wasconnected by our own science and imagination. And this year, in thiselection, she touched her finger to a screen, and cast her vote,because after 106 years in America, through the best of times and thedarkest of hours, she knows how America can change. Yes we can。
俟科学昌明于世，创想通贯一时，既登广寒之阙，又溃柏林之墙。洋洋乎！有百年如是，乃见今岁选战中，库氏之一票。浩浩兮！一百零六载交锋更迭，方有美利坚今日之变革——吾辈既在，无所不能！
America,we have come so far. We have seen so much. But there is so much more todo. So tonight, let us ask ourselves — if our children should live tosee the next century; if my daughters should be so lucky to live aslong as Ann Nixon Cooper, what change will they see? What progress willwe have made?
转眼兴亡过手，而今迈步从头。追昔抚今，不禁扪心而问——俟再历百年岁月，倘吾等后辈儿孙，亦有得享高寿如库氏者，复可见何等之变数？吾辈今日之功，他年可得而见之乎？
This is our chance to answer that call. This is our moment. This is ourtime, to put our people back to work and open doors of opportunity forour kids; to restore prosperity and promote the cause of peace; toreclaim the American dream and reaffirm that fundamental truth, that,out of many, we are one; that while we breathe, we hope. And where weare met with cynicism and doubts and those who tell us that we can’t,we will respond with that timeless creed that sums up the spirit of apeople: Yes, we can。
所谓天命时运，莫过于此——当为吾邦万民造安身立命之业，为吾辈儿孙启各显雄才之门，为寰宇各国创太平静好之世，为吾等壮志赋千秋不灭之元神。吾邦立国之本，必将光耀于天下。万千同胞，当如一人，一息尚存，梦想不灭。纵有世人旁观在侧，而疑窦生焉，吾辈亦当以千秋不易之训共答之曰——吾辈既在，无所不能！
Thank you. God bless you. And may God bless the United States of America。
拜谢诸君。愿天佑吾民，天佑吾邦。A little kid fell in love with another little kid, a school mate.
Sometimes the kids think they fall in love when they have a crush on someone else in the class, when they’re eight or ten years old or something like that. So the eight-year-oldkid came back home and asked his father, “Father, is it expensive to be married?” And the father said, “Yes, son, it is very expensive.” So the son asked, “How much does it cost?” And the father said, “I don’t know, son. I’m still paying.” 有个小孩爱上了另一个小孩，对方是学校的同学。
八岁或十岁左右的孩子有时会迷恋班上某个人，然后就以为自己恋爱了。因此这个八岁的小孩回家问他爸爸：「爸爸，结婚很花钱吗？」爸爸说：「是啊，儿子，非常花钱。」儿子又问：「要花多少钱呢？」爸爸说：「我不知道，儿子，我到现在还一直在付钱啊！」Where is the egg?Teacher:Can you make a sentence with the word "egg"?Student:Yes.I ate a piece of cake yesterday.Teacher:Then where is the “egg"?Student:In the cake,Sir.鸡蛋在哪里？老师：你能用“鸡蛋”一词造句吗？学生：可以。我昨天吃了一块蛋糕。老师：“鸡蛋”在哪？学生：在蛋糕里，先生
Time is 8 years old, and follows her own ideas. When her parents tell her to do something, she always doesn’t do it.
Today, she will go to a friend’s birthday party. She is now choosing skirt to wear. She has three skirts: a blue skirt, a white one and a yellow one.
She asks her father, “Which one is the best?” her father says, “I think the blue one is the best.” Then she asks her mother, “Which one do you think is the best?” Her mother answers, “ The white one , of course!” Tina says, “Thank you.”
Then she puts on the yellow shirt and goes out.
缇娜8岁了， 她又自己的主意。当她的父母要她做事时，她总是不去做。
今天，她将去参加一位朋友的生日聚会。她在选择穿哪一条裙子. 她又三条裙子：一条是蓝裙子，一条白裙子和一条黄裙子。 她问她的父亲：“哪条裙子是最好的？”她的父亲说：“我认为蓝色是最好的。”她问她的母亲：“你认为哪条裙子是最好的？”她的母亲回答：“当然是白色的了。”缇娜说：“谢谢。”她穿上黄色的裙子出去了。 Wife talking to her husband，who reads newspaper all day: I wish I were a newspaper so I'll be in your hands all day.
Husband: I wish that too, so I could change you daily 妻子和丈夫谈话，他一天到晚总是看报纸，妻子抱怨说：我要是报纸就好了，那样我就可以天天在你手里了。
丈夫说我也希望那样，那样我就可以每天换一个了。 NOTE
I wish I were ....是虚拟语气的说法，表示希望发生但不会发生的
双语 笑话 Belling the cat(系铃于猫)______
Long ago, there was a big cat in the house. He caught many mice while they were stealing food. One day the mice had a meeting to talk about the way to deal with their common enemy. Some said this, and some said that. At last a young mouse got up, and said that he had a good idea. "We could tie a bell around the neck of the cat. Then when he comes near, we can hear the sound of the bell, and run away." Everyone approved of this proposal, but an old wise mouse got up and said, "That is all very well, but who will tie the bell to the cat?" The mice looked at each other, but nobody spoke. 从前，一所房子里面有一只大猫，他抓住了很多偷东西的老鼠。 一天，老鼠在一起开会商量如何对付他们共同的敌人。会上大家各有各的主张，最后，一只小老鼠站出来说他有一个好主意。 “我们可以在猫的脖子上绑一个铃铛，那么如果他来到附近，我们听到铃声就可以马上逃跑。” 大家都赞同这个建议，这时一只聪明的老耗子站出来说：“这的确是个绝妙的主意，但是谁来给猫的脖子上绑铃铛呢？”老鼠们面面相觑，谁也没有说话。
A lady went to a hat shop to buy a hat. As she was very fussy, it took her a long time to pick on one。 Already at the end of his patience the salesman was afraid that she might change her mind again so he tried to flatter her: "An excellent choice, madam.You look at least ten years younger with this hat on!" To his dismay, the lady took off her hat at once and said: "I don’t want a hat that makes me look ten years older as soon as I take it off. Show me some more hats!" 一位妇女到一家帽子店买帽子。她很挑剔，用了很长时间才选好了一顶。 已经忍耐到极限的售货员害怕她再改变主意，便恭维她：“你做了极好的选择，夫人。你戴上这顶帽子看上去起码年轻十岁！” 但令他沮丧的是，这位女士马上摘下了她的帽子说：“我不想要一顶摘下来便使我立刻显得老十岁的帽子。多拿一些帽子给我看看！”drink like a fish A guy hosted a dinner party for people from work, including his boss. All during the sit-down dinner, the host's three-year-old girl stared at her father's boss sitting across from her. The girl could hardly eat her food for staring. The man checked his tie, felt his face for food, patted his hair in place, but nothing stopped her from staring at him. He tried his best to ignore her but, finally it was too much for him. He asked her, "Why are you staring at me.?" Everyone at the table had noticed her behaviour and the table went quiet for her response. The little girl said, "My Daddy said you drink like a fish and I don't want to miss it!" 牛饮 某人举办一场宴会招待他的同事，包括他的老板。 吃饭的时候，男主人的3岁小女儿目不转睛地盯着对面她父亲的老板看，甚至没有吃东西。 老板先检查了领事，然后抹抹脸上看有没有食物，再整整头发。那小女孩依然盯着他看。他尽力不去注意这事，但这太难了。他忍不住问小女孩：“你为什么老盯着我看？” 桌子上的每个人都注意到了这事，安静地盼着她的回答。 小女孩说：“爸爸说你象牛饮，我可不想错过看到！”款待 Treat 英汉双语笑话 As a rookie in the Atlantic City, N.J., Police department, I was assigned a beat on the boardwalk. Hardly a day went by when I didn't come upon a child who had become separated from his parents. One afternoon, I spotted a small boy standing alone, obviously lost. I tried to gain his confidence - I took him to the nearest ice-cream stand and bought him a cone. Time passed with no sign of the boy's parents, so the next step was to call for a patrol car to take him to headquarters. I told the small fry to stay put while I went to the call box. When I returned, he was nowhere in sight. Within minutes, the car arrived, and one of the patrolmen asked me where the child was. I felt stupid; it's humiliating to say you've lost a lost child. But I told the officers what had happened and gave a description of the boy. "What did you treat him?" asked one of the men. "An ice-cream cone. Why?" "Because," answered the officer, "that kid lives only a few blocks from here, and you've about the fifth rookie he's conned for a treat!" 我是新泽西州大西洋城警察局的一名新警察。我被指派巡逻一条海滨的路线，几乎每天都能碰上与父母走散的孩子。 一天下午，我发现一个小孩独自站在那里，显然是迷了路。我先是设法取得他的信任－我带他到附近的冰淇淋摊给他买了一个蛋筒。过了很长时间，也没看见他父母的影子，所以我就准备打电话叫辆巡逻车将他送回总部去。我告诉他站在那里别动，我去电话亭打电话。当我回来时，却发现他不知道到哪儿去了。 警车很快来了。一名警察问我小孩在哪里。我感觉自己傻极了，说自己弄丢了一个迷路的小孩，该多丢人啊！但我还是告诉了警察们所发生的一切，并描述了一下小孩的长相。“你请他吃了什么？”一名警察问。 “一个冰淇淋蛋筒。怎么啦？” “因为，”那名警察说，“那个小孩住的地方离这儿只隔几个街区。而你大概是新警察中帮他买东西吃的第五个傻瓜蛋！” 一切都正常 Things Have Been Okay A young couple were becoming anxious about their four-year-old son, who had not yet talked. They took him to specialists, but the doctors found nothing wrong with him. Then one morning at breakfast the boy suddenly blurted, "Mom, the toast is burned." "You talked! You talked!" Shouted his mother. "I'm so happy! But why has it taked this long?" "Well, up till now," Said the boy, "things have been okay." 一对年轻夫妇有个儿子，已经四岁了，还没有开品说话，他们对此深感焦虑。他们带他去找专家诊治，但医生们总觉得他没有毛病。后来有一天早上吃早餐时，那孩子突然开口了：“妈妈，面包烤焦了。” “你说话了!你说话了!”他母亲叫了起来。“我太高兴了!但为什么花了这么长的时间呢？” “哦，在这之前，”那男孩说，“一切都很正常。”
In Sunday school, the minister was trying to illustrate the word miracle. "Boys and girls," he said, "suppose I stood on the roof of a ten-story building, lost my balance and fell off. Then all of a sudden in midair, a whirlwind swept me up and brought me safely to the ground. Now what word would you use to describe this?"
After a long silence a boy raised his hand and said, "Luck?"
"True, true," replied the minister. "It could be luck - but that's not the word I wanted. I'll repeat the story. There I am on top of the ten-story building again, and I fall. A whirlwind catches me in midair and places me safely on the ground. Think now - what word would describe the situation?"
"Accident," cried out one girl.
"No, no," answered the minister. "Listen carefully for the third time. I'm on the same building; I fall and am swept to safety by a sudden whirlwind. What word could account for my safely reaching the ground?"
The boys and girls shouted in unison:"Practice!"
在主日学校里，牧师正举例说明“奇迹”一词的意义。“孩子们，”他说：“假如我站在一座十层高的楼顶上，失去平衡掉了下来。在跌落到半空中时，突然刮来一阵旋风，把我举起来，使我安全着陆。想想看，该用什么词来描绘这件事？”
很长时间没有回答。后来一个男孩举手说：“运气”
“好吧，好吧，”牧师回答说：“可以说是运气，不过那不是我想要的词。我再讲一遍这个故事。我还是在一座十层高的楼顶上，从上面摔下来。一阵旋风在半空中把我托住，使我安全返回地面。好好想一下，该用什么词来描绘这一情景呢？”
“意外，”有个女孩大声说。
“不对，不对，”牧师说：“你们仔细听，再听一遍。我还是在那座楼顶上，摔下来时被一阵突然刮来的旋风托住，转危为安。用什么词来解释我安全返回地面这事？”
孩子们齐声叫道：“反复练习！”l。 缠住不放 Persistance 英汉双语笑话 Returning from a golf outing, my husband was greeted at the door by Sara, our four-year-old daughter. "Daddy, who won the golf game? You or Uncle Richie?" "Uncle Richie and I don't play golf to win," my husband hedged. "We just play to have fun." Undaunted, Sare said, "Okay, Daddy, who had more fun?" 丈夫打完高尔夫球回来，我们四岁的女儿莎拉在门口迎了上去。“爸爸，谁赢了高尔夫球比赛，是你还是理查叔叔？” “我和理查叔叔打高尔夫球不是为赢，”丈夫推诿说。“我们打球只是为了好玩而已。” 莎拉毫不气馁，又问：“那么，爸爸，谁觉得更好玩呢？” What miles on The Car?
A blonde（金发女郎） and a brunette（黑人妇女） were talking, and the blonde was very stressed. The brunette asked her what was the matter. The blonde proceeded to tell her that she really needed to sell her car, but no one would buy because it has 100,000 miles on it.
The brunette said to her, "I know a way that will help you sell it. I have a friend who can help you, but it\'s illegal."
The blonde said, " I\'ll do anything." So the brunette gave the blonde the phone number of a guy who could turn back the odometer on her car. A week later the blonde and the brunette crossed paths, and the brunette asked the blonde if she had sold her car yet.
The blonde said, "Why would I sell a car with only 50,000 miles on it?!"
Puberty
青春期
One evening, in the midst of dinner preparation, our 10-year-old daughter asked, "Mommy, what\'s puberty?" My wife was rushed at the moment, so she suggested that Peggy look up the word in the dictionary, after which they could talk about it. A few minutes later, Peggy
returned. Her mother asked what the dictionary had said. "Puberty means," announced Peggy, "the earliest age at which a girl is able to bear children." "What do you think of that?" my wife asked. "I\'m not sure," Peggy relied. "I\'ve always been able to bear children. It\'s adults I can\'t bear." 一天晚上，在准备晚饭的时候，我们十岁的女儿问：“妈妈，什么是青春期？”我的妻子此时正忙得不亦乐乎，所以她建议佩吉到字典上查这个词，然后她们可以再讨论它。 几分钟以后，佩吉回来了。她妈妈问字典上怎么说。 “青春期的意思是，”佩吉宣布：“一个女孩能忍受孩子的最早年龄。” “你怎么想呢？”我妻子问。 “我不知道，”佩吉回答。“我总能忍受孩子。让我忍受不了的是大人。
Note: bear children: 生孩子。bear 一词也可作“忍受”讲。
A Gentleman 绅
士 Dick was seven years old, and his sister, Catherine, was five. One day their mother took them to their aunt\'s house to play while she went to the big city to buy some new clothes.
The children played for an hour, and then at half past four their aunt took Dick into the kitchen. She gave him a nice cake and a knife and said to him, "Now here\'s a knife, Dick. Cut this cake in half and give one of the pieces to your sister, but remember to do it like a gentleman.""Like a gentleman?" Dick asked. "How do gentlemen do it?""They always give the bigger piece to the other person." answered his aunt at once."Oh" said Dick. He thought about this for a few seconds. Then he took the cake to his sister and said to her,"Cut this cake in half, Catherine.".
迪克年龄七岁，他的妹妹凯瑟琳五岁。一天，妈妈把他们带到姨妈家去玩，自己就到大城市去买些新的衣服。
孩子们玩了个把小时，在四点半的时候，姨妈领着迪克走进了厨房。她交给迪克一块精美的蛋糕和一把刀子，并对他说：“喏，迪克，给你刀子，把这块蛋糕一切为二，给你妹妹一块。不过，你得记住要做得像一个绅士那样。”
迪克问：“像一个绅士？绅士怎样做呢？”
他姨妈马上回答说：“绅士总是把大的一块让给别人的。”
迪克说了一声“噢”。他对此想了一会，然后，他把蛋糕拿给妹妹，并对她说：“凯瑟琳，你来把这块蛋糕一切为二吧。”
I\'m Glad
我很高兴
A Sunday school teacher was telling her pupils the importance of making others glad. "Now, children," said she , "has anyone of you ever make someone else glad?""Please, teacher,"said a small boy,"I\'ve make someone glad yesterday.""Well done. Who was that?""My granny.""Good boy. Now tell us how you made your grandmother glad.""Please, teacher, I went to see her yesterday, and stayed with her three hours. Then I said to her, \'Granny, I\'m going home,\' and she said, \'Well, I\'m glad\'!"
一个主日学校的老师在对学生讲使别人高兴的重要性。“现在，孩子们，”她说：“你们当中有谁让别人高兴过？”“我，老师，”一个小男孩说：“昨天我就使别人高兴过。”“做得好，是谁呢？”“我奶奶。”“好孩子。现在告诉我们，你是怎样使你奶奶高兴的。”“是这样的，老师。我昨天去看她，在她那儿呆了三个小时。然后我跟她说：‘奶奶，我要回家了。’她说：‘啊，我很高兴！’”
The Right Leg 右 腿
Proctor (exceedingly angry): "So you confess that this unfortunate freshman was carried to this frog pond and drenched? now what part did you take in this disgraceful affair?"Soph. (meekly): "The right leg, sir."
学监（非常生气）：“现在你承认这可怜的新生被扔进这蛙池里浑身湿透？那么你在这不光彩的事情里扮演了什么角色呢？”二年级学生（恭顺地）：“右腿，先生。”
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szdarcy 当前离线 Alexander the Great 亚历山大大帝 Landon had made an unsuccessful attempt at the recitation, and the doctor, somewhat nettled, said:"Landon, you don\'t seem to be getting on very fast in this subject. You seem to lack ambition. Why, at your age Alexander the Great had conquered half the world.""Yes," said Landon,"he couldn\'t help it, for you will recall the fact, doctor, that Alexander the Great had Aristotle for a teacher."
兰登作了一次不成功的朗诵。老师有点不悦，对他说道：“兰登，你在这门课上好像进步不大，你好像缺乏志向。亚历山大大帝在你这个年龄可已经征服了半个世界。”“是啊，”兰登说，“他没法不那样。博士先生，您回想一下史实，亚历山大大帝有亚里士多德做他的老师。”
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Class and Ass“班”和“笨驴”
Professor Laurie of Glasgow put this notice on his door: "Professor Laurie will not meet his classes today."A student, after reading the notice, rubbed out the "c". Later Professor Laurie came along, and entering into the spirit of the joke, rubbed out the "l". 格拉斯哥的劳里教授在门上贴了这样一个通知：“劳里教授今天不会他的班。”
一个学生读了通知后，擦掉了字母“C”。后来劳里教授来了，也想开开玩笑，他擦掉了字母“L”。
Billy and Bobby were small boys. They were brothers, and they often had fights with each other.Last Saturday their mother said to them, "I\'m going to cook our lunch now. Go out and play in the garden - and be good.""Yes, Mummy," the two boys answered, and they went out.They played in the garden for half an hour, and then Billy ran into the kitchen, "Mummy, " he said, "Bobby\'s broken a window in Mrs. Allen\'s house." Mrs. Allen was one of their neighbors."He\'s a bad boy," his mother said. "How did he break it?""I threw a stone at him," Billy answered,"and he quickly moved down.". 比利和波比得出是小男孩。他们是兄弟，两人经常打架。上个星期六，他们的妈妈对他们说：“我现在要做午饭了。去，到花园去玩吧，别淘气。”“是，妈妈，”两个男孩回答，然后他们就出去了。他们在花园里玩了半个小时，然后比利跑进了厨房。“妈妈，”他说：“波比打碎了艾伦太太家的窗玻离。”艾伦太太是他们的邻居。“他是个坏孩子，”他的妈妈说。“他是怎么把玻璃打碎的？”“我朝他扔了一块石子，”比利回答：“他赶紧蹲下。”
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Mr. and Mrs. Taylor had a seven-year-old boy named Pat. Now Mrs. Taylor was expecting another child.Pat had seen babies in other people\'s houses and had not liked them very much, so he was not delighted about the news that there was soon going to be one in his house too.One evening Mr. and Mrs. Taylor were making plans for the baby\'s arrival. "This house won\'t be big enough for use all when the baby comes," said Mr. Taylor.Pat came into the room just then and said, "What are you talking about?""We were saying that we\'ll have to move to another house now, because the new baby\'s coming," his mother answered."It\'s no use," said Pat hopelessly, "He\'ll follow us there."
泰勒夫妇有一个七岁的男孩，名叫帕特。现在泰勒太太正怀着第二胎。
帕特在别人家看见过婴和，他不太喜欢他们，所以他对自己家里也将有一个鹦儿的消息感到不满。一天晚上，泰勒夫妇正在为这个婴儿的降生计划做安排。泰勒先生说：“有了婴儿，我们的房就太小，不够住了。”帕特恰好在这个时候走进屋，他问：“你们在说什么？”他的母亲回答说：“我们在说我们现在得搬家，因为婴儿就要诞生了。”“那没用，”帕特绝望地说。“他会跟我们到那儿去的。”
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Our teacher was telling us about a new system of memory training being used in some schools today."It works like this ," she said. "Suppose you wanted to remember the name of a poet -- Robert Burns, for instance." She told us to think of him as Bobby Burns. "Now get in your head a picture of a London policeman, a bobby in flames, See? Bobby Burns!""I see what you mean," said the class know-it-all. "But how can you tell that it\'s Not Robert Browning?". 我们的老师正在给我们介绍现在某些学校使用的一种新的记忆训练系统。“这个系统是这亲的，”她说。“假定你要记住一个诗人的名字——例如，要记住罗伯特?彭斯的名字。”她告诉我们把他当作博比?彭斯。“让你的脑海里闪现出一个伦敦警察的形象，燃烧着的警察。明白吗？警察燃烧！”“我明白你的意思，”班上的万事通说。“但是你怎么说那就不是罗伯特?布朗宁呢？”
The nice women are ugly.
好女人不漂亮
The beautiful women are not nice.
漂亮女人不好
The beautiful and nice women are stupid in general.
又漂亮又好的女人一般都很愚蠢
The beautiful, nice and clever women are married.
又漂亮又好又不愚蠢的女人都结婚了
The women who are not so beautiful but are nice women are born in poverty.
不是很漂亮但是很好的女人却出身贫寒。
The women who are not so beautiful but are nice women born in noble think we are only after their lordiness .
不是很漂亮但是很好又出身高贵的女人会认为我们看上的是她们的权势。
The beautiful women without lordliness are after our lordliness.
而没有权势但是很漂亮的女人看上的是我们的权势。
The clever women, who are not so nice and somewhat beautiful don’t think we are clever enough.
不是很好但是很漂亮又很聪明的女人却嫌我们不够聪明。
The women who think we are clever, that are nice, somewhat clever and have lordliness have a lot of pursuers.
又好又聪明又出身高贵又觉得我们聪明的女人都有很多追求者。
The women who are somewhat beautiful, somewhat nice and have some lordliness and thank God are clever and always maintain many candidates
又好又漂亮又出身高贵而且又聪明的女人总是脚踏几条船。
The women who never make the first move, automatically lose interest on us when we take the initiative.
那些从不主动的女人一旦我们采取主动就对我们失去兴趣
NOW，WHO IN THE HELL UNDERSTANDS WOMEN?
现在，到底有谁了解女人这东西？ I WANT A NIGHTMARE 想做坏梦
Before the final examination, Tom told his mother, "Mom, I had a dream last night that I\' passed today\'s exam." "Don\'t trust dreams, dear. It is said what you experience in dreams usually turns out to be the opposite." Mother replied. "Then I do hope I\'ll fail the other subjects n my dream tonight," Tom said.
在期末考试之前，汤姆告诉他的母亲："妈妈，我昨天晚上做了一个梦，梦见我通过了今天的考试。""不要相信梦，亲爱的。据说梦中的经历通常与现实相反。"妈妈答道。"那么，我真希望在今晚的梦中，我的其他功课都不及格。"汤姆说。I CAN GO HOME. 我可以回家了
One day after school the teacher said to his students, "Tomorrow morning, if any one of you can answer my first question, I will permit him or her to go home
earlier." The next day, when the teacher came into the classroom, he found the blackboard daubed. He was very angry and asked, "Who did it? Please stand up!" "It\'s me," said Bob, "Now, I can go home. Good-bye, Sir."
一天，放学以后，老师对他的学生们说："明天上午，如果你们当中的任何一个同学能首先回答我的问题，我就准许他或她最先回家。"第二天，老师走进教室时发现黑板被涂得乱七八糟，他非常生气的问："谁涂的？请站起来！"鲍勃说："先生，是我，现在我可以回家了，再见！"I\'M NOT HAVING IT ALL CUT OFF. 没把头发全剪掉啊！
Miles sometime went to the barber\'s during working hours to have his hair cut. But this was against the office rules: clerks had to have their hair cut in their own time. While Miles was at the barber\'s one day, the manager of the office came in by chance to have his own hair cut and sat just beside him.
"Hello, Miles," the manager said. "I see that you are having your hair cut in office time."
"Yes, sir, I am," admitted Miles calmly. "You see, sir, it grows in office time."
"Not all of it," said the manager at once. "Some of it grows in your own time."
"Yes, sir, that\'s quite true." Answered Miles politely, "but I\'m not having it all cut off."
麦尔斯有时在上班时间去理发馆理发，但这是违反办公室规定的：职员只能利用自己的时间理发。一天，正当麦尔斯理发时，经理碰巧也进来理发，而且就坐在他旁边。
"你好，麦尔斯，"经理说。"我看到你在上班时间理发了。"
"是的，先生。正是这样。"麦尔斯平静地承认了。"可先生，你看，头发是在上班时间长的。"
"不全都是吧，"经理立刻说，"有一些是在你自己的时间里长的。"
"对呀，先生，你说得很对。"麦尔斯礼貌地回答说，"但我并没有把头发全都剪掉啊。"DID YOUR DAD HELP YOU? 你爸爸帮你了吗？One day, Tim\'s mathematics teacher looked at his homework and saw that he had got all his sums right. The teacher was very pleased-and rather surprised. He called Tim to his desk and said to him, "You got all your homework right this time, Tim. What happened? Did your father help you?"
"No, sir. He was too busy last night, so I had to do it all myself," said Tim. 你爸爸帮你了吗？ 一天，蒂姆的数学老师看了他的作业，发现他全做对了。老师很高兴，同时也十分惊讶。他把蒂姆叫到桌前说："蒂姆，你这次的作业全都做对了，怎么回事？你爸爸帮你做了吗？"
"不，先生，我爸爸昨天很忙，我不得不全由自己做了。"TOM\'S EXCUSE 汤姆的借口Teacher: Tom, why are you late for school every day?
Tom: Every time I come to the corner, a sign says, "School-Go Slow". 汤姆的借口 老师：汤姆，您为什么每天上学迟到？
汤姆：我每次路过拐角，一个路标上面写着："学校----慢行。" An Answer 答复 Another wrote asking why his girl always closed her eyes when he kissed her． The editor wrote that if the young man would send in his photograph they likely would be able to tell． 有人来信问道，为什么他吻女友时，她总是闭着眼睛。编辑回信说，如果那年轻人能把他的相片寄去的话，他们大概就能回答了。
The Badge of A Fool 傻瓜的标记
A certain man reading a book that treated of the secrets of nature， fell upon a chapter in which\'t was said that a man who has a long beard wears the badge of a fool．Upon which our reader takes up the candle in his hand， for\'t was in the nighttime， and views himself in the glass， and inconsiderately burns above half his beard off； whereupon he immediately takes upthe pen and writes in the margin of the book，“Proba tumest，”—that is， I know him to be a fool．
某人在读一本论述大自然奥秘的书时，忽然看到有一章节，其中说长着长胡鬓的男人即带有傻瓜的标记。于是我们 的读者立即擎起烛台——因为那是在夜间——照看自己在镜 子里的尊容，一不小心烧掉了他一半多胡鬓。于是他立即拿 起笔，在书页空边上写道：“Proba tum est”，即我知道他是个傻瓜。You Are Too Late 你太晚了 on the bus a man discovered a pick-pocket\'s hand thrust into his pocket.
"sorry," he said to the pickpocket, "you are too late. My wife did it before you."
在公共汽车上一人发现一个小偷把手伸到了他的口袋里。 “对不起，”他对小偷说，“你太晚了，我妻子在你之前就做过同样的事情了。”Rules for Success 成功法则 young doctor: Well, Dad, now that I\'m hanging out my shingle, can you give me some rules for success?
Father: Always write your prescriptions illegibly and your bills very plainly.
年轻的医生：哦，爸，现在我都挂牌开诊了，你能给我些成功法则吗？ 父亲：总是把药方写的难以辨认，而帐单却清清楚楚。Send the Bill to My Father 把帐单给我父亲 Doctor: I can do nothing for your complaint. It is hereditary. Patient: then send the bill to my father, please. 医生： 对你的抱怨我无能为力。 那是遗传病。 病人： 那请你把帐单给我父亲吧。有关布什的幽默 English for beginners with Mr. George W. Bush!!!
Conversation between George W. Bush and his National Security Advisor, Condolezza Rice:
George: Condi! Nice to see you. What’s happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That’s what I want to know.
Condi: That’s what I’m telling you.
George: That’s what I’m asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow’s name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya’ asking me for?
Condi: I’m telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I’m asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That’s the man’s name.
George: That’s who’s name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condi: That’s correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China.
Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don’t want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
(Condi picks up the phone.)
Condi: Rice, here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?Why a Man Needs a Woman
One of my persistent fantasies used to be of sitting at a sidewalk café in Paris. I would be writing with my pen in a notebook while smoking. I would not be writing economics. I would be writing a novel or perhaps poetry or even a philosophical treatise. But I would frequently raise my eyes to watch the girls go by.
I no longer have that fantasy. I do, however, eat from time to time outdoors at a restaurant on the street leading to the Kennedy Center. I don’t try to write there. Instead, I watch the passers by.
I am not concentrating on girls. I am concentrating on married couples, and I look particularly at the women. They are not glamorous. No Marilyn Monroes.Some are pretty, but many would be considered plain. Since they are on their way to the Kennedy Center to attend a play,an opera or a concert, one may assume they are above average in cultural literacy.In other respects they are,like most people,average.
But to the man whose hand or arm she is holding, she is not “average.“ She is the whole world to him.
Genesis says, “ And the Lord God said:‘ It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.’“ And so, “ made he a woman.“ It doesn’t say that he made a pretty or a witty woman, or an any kind of adjective woman. He made the basic woman.
Why is this basic woman so valuable to the man? Three things:
First, she is a warm body in bed. I don’t refer to sexual activity. That is important. But I refer to something that is, if possible, even more primitive: human contact.
A baby crying in its crib doesn’t want conversation or a gold ring.He wants to be held and patted. dults need that physical contact also. They need to cuddle together for warmth and comfort in an indifferent or cold world. The plain woman and plain man do that for each other.
But conversation is also important. These couples may have been talking to each other for 30 years or more. You might think they have nothing left to say. But still they can talk to each other in ways they cannot talk to anyone else. He can tell her of something good he has done without fearing she will think he is bragging. He can count on her interest and understanding.
The primary purpose of this conversation is not to convey information. Its purpose is to say, “ I am here, and I know that you are here.“
Third, the woman serves the man’s need to be needed. If no one needs you, what good are you? Other people--ployers, students, readers--y say they need you. But in such relationships you are replaceable at some price. To this woman you are not replaceable at any price. That gives you the self esteem to meet the world every day.
So this “ ordinary“ woman--one like 50 million others in America--as great value to this man. And while I have written these views from a man’s point of view, I don’t think the relationship is one-ided. On the contrary, I am sure it is reciprocal.
I can hear you saying: “ How do you know all this? You are only an economist, practitioner of the dismal science. “ That is true. But my wife and I walked up that hill to the Kennedy Center many times.英语幽默短文
Once upon a time there was a clever, wily peasant, whose tricks could be much talked about. The best story, however, is how he once got the best of the devil and made a fool of him. One day the peasant had been working in his field, and just as it was getting dark he was getting ready to go home when in the middle of his field he saw a pile of burning coals. Filled with amazement he walked toward it, and sitting on the top of the glowing coals there was a little black devil. "You must be sitting on a treasure," said the peasant. "Yes indeed," replied the devil, "on a treasure that contains more gold and silver than you have ever seen in your life." "The treasure is in my field and belongs to me," said the peasant. "It is yours," answered the devil, "if for two years you will give me one half of everything your field produces. I have enough money, but I have a desire for the fruits of the earth." The peasant entered into the bargain, saying, "To prevent any dispute from arising about the division, everything above the ground shall belong to you, and everything beneath the ground to me." The devil was quite satisfied with that, but the cunning peasant had planted turnips. Now when harvest time came the devil appeared and wanted to take away his crop, but he found nothing except the yellow withered leaves, and the happy peasant dug up his turnips. "You got the best of me this time," said the devil, "but it won't happen again. Next time what grows above ground shall be yours, and what is under it shall be mine." "That is all right with me," answered the peasant. When planting time came the peasant did not plant turnips again, but wheat. The crop ripened, and the peasant went into the field and cut the full stalks off at ground level. When the devil came he found nothing but the stubble, and he angrily disappeared into a chasm in a cliff. "That's the way one has to deal with foxes," said the peasant, then carried away the treasure. 从前有位远见卓识、机智聪明的农夫，有关他足智多谋的故事至今人们仍广为传颂。其中最精彩的要首推他曾经怎样捉弄魔鬼的故事。 一天，农夫在田间劳动了一整天，天黑时正准备回家，忽然发现自己的田里有堆煤在燃烧，他惊讶万分，於是便走上前去看，发现竟有一个黑色的小魔鬼走在燃烧的煤堆上。"你是坐在财宝上吗？"农夫问。"正是财宝。"魔鬼答道，"而且比你一生见到的都要多呢！""财宝在我田里就得归我。"农夫说道。"就归你吧！"魔鬼说，"只要你肯将两年内一半的收成给我就行了。钱，我有的是，但我更喜欢地上的果实。"农夫答应了这桩交易，并说："为了避免在我们分配时出现纠纷，凡泥土上的东西归你，泥土下的归我。"魔鬼感到心满意足，但这位聪明的农夫却种上了萝蔔. 现在收穫的季节到了，魔鬼又来了，要求收回属於他的收成。但除了那些枯黄的败叶外，他一无所获；而农夫却在兴高采烈地挖着他的萝蔔."这次让你佔了便宜，"魔鬼说，"下次可不能这样。地上的归你，地下的归我。""悉听尊便。"农夫答道。播种的季节又到了，这次他可不播萝蔔，而是种上了小麦。麦子熟了，他来到田间，把麦秆齐根割倒在地。魔鬼又来了，见到除了残茬外，他又一无所获，气得转身就走，顺着石缝钻了进去。"我就是这样骗倒魔鬼的。"农夫说完，赶紧拾起财宝回家去了。What the f u c k is going on？
（到底他妈的怎么回事？）通常此话出于黑人之口，且口气最宜为疑惑，不解，愤怒等等。若是白人则多数时候会说-What the hell is going on? 意义相同而适用于更多场合。说此话之人身份通常为上级，且相处较久。不过如果你出差回家时看见老婆身边躺着个赤条条的陌生人，那它可就派上大用场了！You son of bitch！（你个狗娘养的！）令人意外的是，最爱说这句话的往往是女性。越高贵，越端庄的女性越容易在压力达到一定值时便会脱口而出。万万不要和有文化的MM顶嘴，否则被骂了还以为受表扬了呢！All rise！（全体起立！）国产英语老师最误人子弟的就是口语太差，爱说想当然口语。从小学到高中英语课代表一直喊的是-Stand up！当然没什么不可以，但为什么不说标准的话呢？就象我们朗读中文时说普通话一样！It’s bullshit！（胡说八道！屁话！）这句话一旦学会，包你用的乐不思蜀。用途太广泛啦！最绝是和老妈抬杠时搬出来，用你的眼睛直视她，以忏悔的口气说出。Damn it！（可恶！）此句往往从某个孤胆英雄的嘴中冒出，发音要轻，然口气要重！此英雄往往正面临生死抉择，例如是先剪蓝线还是先剪红线等，说时要有壮士一去不复返的气势！此句适合用在被MM拒绝时，向MM的背影说出！万万不可忘记要配合以右手中指的朝天一刺！
It’s none of your business！（关你屁事！）此句已接近经典！当你在网上浏览不健康网站遭到网吧老板的劝阻时，它往往能建下奇功！Come on！此句因拥有太多含义，所以注释欠奉。但它确实非常necessary，所有的鬼佬一天不说个十七八遍就会浑身发痒，它的经典之处你就好好体会吧！Ditto！（俺也是！）本不是常用语，不过看过“幽灵”一片的人都染上了男主角的坏习惯。从来不说I love you！总是“俺也是，俺也是！”的把MM们气得口吐白沫！实际上你也可以说“Me too!”或“Me also!”，不过总是不够文艺腔，差了那么一点点味道和情调。How can I forget such a beautiful girl/sexy boy？此句在重逢某个你早已心仪的MM或GG是不妨拿来用用。当对方还沉浸在陶醉中时，你可以利用这段时间好好想想对方的名字！I had no choice！（俺也是被逼无奈啊！）最常用此话的要数那些被男主角逼到悬崖边上的家伙们！俺真的不是有意出卖你老人家的，饶俺一命吧！幽默短文欣赏 Three ReasonsTeacher: John, please give me three reasons why you know the earth is round．John: Mum says so, Dad says so, and you say so.三 条 理 由老师：约翰，请说出三条理由来证实地球是圆的。约翰：妈妈是这么说的，爸爸是这么说的，你也是这么说的！HomeworkTeacher: I＇m able to read one of the compositions you did for homework, but you wrote the other one very poorly．Student: Yes, sir——my mother is a much better writer than my father．家 庭 作 业老师：我只能读通你的一篇作文，另一篇实在是糟透了。学生：是的，先生——我妈妈的文采要比我爸爸的好多了。An Interesting AnswerStudent A: Four sailors fell into the sea, but only one of them got his hair wet.Student B: How was that?Student A: Three of them were bald. Who Is It?A ship was passing by a desert （荒无人烟的） island, where stood a man who was shouting and waving wildly.“Who is it?” the passengers asked the captain.“I don’t know. When we pass here every month, he always does the same.”
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