马克思我爱你豆瓣:出轨之后如何修复婚姻

夫妻之间的背叛，会带来严重的感情创伤，但出轨不一定就意味着婚姻走到了尽头。

了解如何与另一半冰释前嫌，此刻便显得尤为重要了。

By Mayo Clinic staff

作者 梅约诊所工作人员

Few marital problems cause as much heartache and devastation as infidelity. Money worries, health issues and disagreements about children can strain a relationship — but infidelity undermines the foundation of marriage itself. Divorce isn't necessarily inevitable after infidelity, however. With time to heal and a mutual goal of rebuilding the relationship, some couples emerge from infidelity with a stronger and more honest relationship than before.

很少有婚姻问题，能像出轨那样，对感情产生近乎毁灭性的打击。资金的短缺，身体的抱恙以及与子女间的分歧，均会使一段关系变得紧张——然而，出轨破坏的是婚姻的“根基”。出轨后，离婚也并非不可避免。因为随着时间的流逝，伤口会慢慢愈合。在重建夫妻关系的共同愿望下，很多人跨过了心里的那道坎，他们也比当初更加珍惜这段感情。

Defining infidelity

——对出轨的定义

Infidelity isn't a single, clearly defined situation — and what's considered infidelity varies among couples and even between partners in a relationship. What may be acceptable for some couples may be unacceptable for others. Similarly, what's tolerable for one partner in a relationship may be intolerable for the other. For example, is it infidelity if your partner is attracted to someone else but doesn't act on it? Is an emotional connection without physical intimacy considered infidelity? What about online relationships?

具体什么算出轨，并没有唯一确切的定义。情侣与情侣之间，甚至夫妻之间，他们的答案都会有所不同。一对夫妻能接受的行为，换成另一对，就未必能被接受。同样的道理，一对夫妻所能忍受的，另一对可能就无法忍受。例如，你的伴侣被其他的异性所吸引，但并没有乱献殷勤，这算是一种出轨吗？没有“出卖”肉体的情感联系，这是出轨吗？网上的暧昧，是出轨吗？

Many factors can contribute to infidelity, from low self-esteem or discontent with the marriage to addiction to sex, love or romance. Generally, a person who's having an affair:

很多因素能导致出轨：自卑心理，或者是对婚姻和性生活的不满。通常，一个有外遇的人：

Experiences a strong sexual attraction to someone other than his or her partner

●他/她着迷于某位异性，而这个人并非他/她的配偶。

Keeps the relationship a secret, often resorting to lies and deception

●他/她想方设法编织谎言，对这层关系进行保密。

Feels a stronger emotional connection to the person with whom he or she is having an affair than to his or her partner

●他/她对“外遇对象”有更强烈的爱慕之情。

Discovering an affair

——“丑事”被揭

The initial discovery of an affair can trigger a range of powerful emotions for both partners — shock, rage, shame, depression, guilt, remorse. You may cycle through all of these emotions many times in a single day, one minute vowing to end the marriage and the next wanting desperately to save it. At this point, it's important to take one step at a time:

外遇首次被揭发时，夫妻双方会在情绪上产生极大的波动，往往表现出激动，愤怒，羞愧，沮丧，内疚或是自责。这些情绪，往往会在短短一天的时间里，循环往复地出现。一分钟前还誓言要结束这段婚姻，可能一分钟以后又极力地想要挽回。这个时候，循序渐进就显得尤为重要了。

Give each other space. The discovery of an affair can be intense. It's often helpful to take a "timeout" when emotions are running high.

●给予彼此足够的空间

外遇刚被发现的时候，人们往往会表现得有一些失控，这个时候，“暂停”一下，是十分有帮助的。

Seek support. Share your feelings with trusted friends and loved ones or a spiritual leader or counselor. Objective, nonjudgmental support can help you clarify what you're feeling and put the affair into perspective.

●寻求支援

把心里话讲给你最信赖的朋友和亲人听，或是与情感咨询师深入交流。客观的建议，不仅可以使你更好地澄清难言的苦衷，并且能帮你看得更远。

Take your time. Avoid delving into the intimate details of the affair right away. Take time to absorb the situation, postponing any discussions with your partner until you can have a constructive conversation.

●别着急

避免立刻就将出轨的细节抖露出来，花点时间适应整理这样的局面，在能够进行积极对话之前，推迟和你伴侣的一切争执。

Mending a broken marriage

——婚姻的修补

Recovering from an affair is a difficult and ongoing process. Still, it's possible to survive an affair. Consider these steps to promote healing:

从“外遇事件”中恢复，是一个艰难而又漫长的过程。但是，救回这段感情也并非不可能。按以下几个步骤行动，可以加快“伤口”的愈合：

Be accountable. If you were unfaithful, take responsibility for your actions. End the affair, and stop all interaction or communication with the person.

●勇于承担

如果你当真做了对不起另一半的事情，就要对自己的行为负责。立马结束“绯闻”，终止与那个人的任何联系。

Be honest. Once the initial shock is over, discuss what happened openly and honestly — no matter how difficult talking or hearing about the affair may be.

●诚实坦白

爱人怒气平息之后，不管事情如何地难以启齿，也要将其坦承。

Consider shared goals. It may take time to sort out what's happened and to consider whether your relationship can heal. If you share a goal of reconciliation, realize that recovering the marriage will take time, energy and commitment.

●考虑你们共同的期望值

这可能需要花费一些时间，去梳理过去发生的事以及考虑复合的可能性。如果最终双方都同意和解，你也应该要明白，恢复的过程是需要投入时间还有精力的。

Consult a marriage counselor. Seek help from a licensed counselor who's trained in marital therapy and experienced in dealing with infidelity. Marriage counseling can help you put the affair into perspective, identify issues that may have contributed to the affair, learn how to rebuild and strengthen your relationship, and avoid divorce — if that's the mutual goal.

●咨询婚姻顾问

向那些受过专业训练、有解决出轨问题经验以及有营业执照的婚姻咨询师寻求帮助。婚姻咨询师可以帮你把眼光瞄得更远，

Restore trust. Go to counseling together to confirm your commitment to the marriage and to prevent secrecy from continuing to erode your relationship. If you were unfaithful, you may be anxious to put the affair behind you and move forward — but it's important to let your partner set his or her own timetable for recovery.

●重建信任

你们可以一起去找咨询师，坚定彼此对婚姻的承诺，以防各自的那些秘密，再来侵蚀你们的关系。如果是你出的轨，在改善彼此关系的过程中，你可能会因为内心的愧疚感而变得焦虑不安，但是，你也应该明白，让另一半按照自己的进度去解开心结，才是最重要的。

Forgive. Infidelity is emotionally devastating. Forgiveness isn't likely to come quickly or easily, but it may become easier over time.

●原谅对方。

出轨，往往会导致受伤害的一方情绪失控。所以，想要在短时间内得到原谅是不现实的，但是随着时间的流逝，得到谅解会变得容易些。

Moving forward

——展望你们的未来

Not every marriage affected by infidelity can — or should — be saved. Sometimes too much damage has been done or reconciliation remains elusive. However, if both of you are committed to rebuilding your relationship and you have the strength and determination for the task, the reward may be a partnership that grows in depth, honesty and intimacy.

并非所有受到出轨影响的婚姻，都能够或者应该被挽回。有时候，因为伤口太深，已经到了很难挽回的地步。然而，如果两个人都能全身心地投入到关系的重建，有决心，有毅力，付出的努力就会得到回报，你们的感情也因此得到了升华。