辽沈战役景区演出时间:HOW TOUGH SHOULD A PARENT BE? FEAR VS. RESPECT

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HOW TOUGH SHOULD A PARENT BE? FEAR VS. RESPECT – PT. 1
WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 5, 2011   YOUTH PERSPECTIVE   5 COMMENTS
Here’s the scenario: When we were kids, our parents believed that they should not be too ‘close’ to us. They thought that if they were too close, we would not be afraid of them and listen to them, and they wanted to maintain that “mysterious mask” to keep their authority. Now I realize that is not quite right – I hug my kids and joke around with them a lot. But sometimes some slight doubts pop up – did I go too far? What if they are not afraid of me anymore, and they do not listen anymore?
So I want to have your view of this scenario, as someone who is being parented by this style. How nice or tough should a parent be?
From Dr. Wang:
Tiffany’s* grandpa once told Tiffany’s mother, “You can’t praise your kids. Otherwise, they’ll think they are perfect. If they do well, be happy inside, but never show them. If they don’t do well, you need to criticize them. That way, your kids will know what they need to improve..”
*named changed to protect identity

Zen Ren’s Answer:
This question really amuses me, and it addresses a topic a few of my friends and even my mother and I have discussed. To be honest, I don’t think there’s anything especially wrong with teaching your children to be scared of you, or putting on this “mask of parenting” that sets you as an all-powerful authority figure. Evidently, this method is deeply rooted in tradition and has worked in China for thousands of years. The only issue with this kind of parenting is that you are no longer in China, and your children are no longer surrounded by other children that have also been brought up in such a stern manner. The philosophy in America is utterly different for a whole number of topics, not just parenting, but they all influence how we expect our children to treat us – and in turn, how we treat our children. But for me personally, my philosophy on parenting is quite different from that of most Chinese-born adults, though with the same intent. I realistically don’t believe that Chinese parents actually want their children to fear them. When I was little, I greatly feared my mother and developed resentment towards her when I wasn’t busy being afraid of her. I understand now that my mother was only frustrated with my laziness and wanted me to listen to her and work harder. And that’s the thing – all Chinese parents, essentially, want the end result of their children listening and obeying. That is the goal.
But ask yourself – who do YOU listen to? Those that you respect. Sometimes I hear my friends’ mothers lament, “Why do you listen to your friends more than me? I’m older, wiser, and more experienced.” It’s because we fear/resent you, and respect them. This “fear-intilling” method of parenting doesn’t work as well when you’re not in China, and therefore surrounded by the culture that created that method. Children here soon notice their Americanized friends’ parents, or watch TV shows with normal American family dynamics. Their fear will most likely turn into resentment once they notice that others’ parents are freer with praise and displays of affection and “fun.” I’m really glad that you hug and joke around with your children! It’s so important that not only you tell them you love them, but you show it by playing around and sometimes even being a little silly. It may seem like your children “don’t listen anymore” but they really do – they’re just growing up and children naturally don’t listen sometimes no matter how perfect their parents are. Being nice goes so far and to me, is more powerful than fear when you show them your heart and your good intentions.
Harvey Liu’s Answer:
This is a great question, and one that I believe every parent struggles with. I find it very interesting that many Asian parents adopt the strategy of being a ‘feared’ or authoritative leader. Perhaps it has something to do with Confucian doctrine, or maybe the fact that China’s vast history is evidence to the success of leaders who rule with an iron fist. Whatever the reason, it’s prevalent, and it’s unfortunate that many parents see it as the only path to success for their children.
In all fairness, I’m not going to discredit the method. Given the success of Chinese Americans, it is evident that such tactic is not without its merits. Statistically speaking, Asian students do test exceptionally well; in fact, their scores on standardized tests are among the highest in the nation, and Asian students are disproportionally overrepresented in Ivy League and other elite private and public colleges. However, it is extremely important to note several things: first of all, that not all successfull Asian students are raised in such an environment, second of all, that many students (both Asian and non-Asian) achieve similar if not greater success having been raised in a completely different environment, and finally, that being raised in such an environment comes at a great cost to an individual.
As a psychology major, and as an observer, I have come to realize that there are numerous ways of motivating a student. Students can be motivated through their own desire for success- being raised in an environment where others are hard working, a student will very likely hold him/herself to a similar standard. Some students are motivated simply by passion or interest for a particular subject. Many students are, unfortunately, motivated by fear: the fear that they will disappoint their families, the fear that their parents will no longer love them if they fail, and even the fear of being abused by their parents in the face of failure. I suppose that some parents find it easier, and perhaps habitual, to use fear as a motivator for students as opposed to inspiring passion or interest, and maybe it is the most direct method. However, I also believe that it comes with heavy costs.
The greatest cost, I think, is that of personal development. If nowhere else, a child should feel safe at home with his/her parents. The home should exist as a support system, a safe place for a child to grow and develop into a strong and healthy adult, both physically and mentally. There is a massive perversion of development when a child grows up in constant fear of his/her own parents. Children who are unable to trust their own parents often develop into adults who are socially dysfunctional and are very unfulfilled in their personal and social lives from never having developed the skills to grow close to people. While these individuals, through the motivation of fear, develop into successful and assiduous students, they never achieve the long term success that their hard work purportedly brings.
Another cost is that of self-confidence. Children who grow up hearing from their own parents that they are inadequate, unintelligent and unworthy are likely to respond in several ways — one way is that they will accept these to be true, and they fail to develop the confidence that is absolutely necessary for success in American society. Another way is that they become very resentful of their parents, and develop a lot of bitterness and anger towards their own families. Both these scenarios result from,what I percieve to be, a very short-sighted (though well meaning) approach to child raising. What I mean is that these parents push their children to succeed academically so that they may achieve greater success later in life, but by doing so, they systematically destroy and cripple other aspects of their children’s development and thus create even greater obstacles in their path to happiness.
As far as toughness goes, I think it’s very important for parents to be able to recognize the difference between fear and respect. I have known many successful students who held great respect for their parents, but did not fear them. I also now many students who fear their parents, and certainly do not respect them. The kind of fear that exists for students who respect their parents is the fear of losing their parents’ trust and their parents’ respect. It is not a fear of their parents themselves. Fear is a negative thing. As humans, it is our nature to resist or avoid that which we fear. It is exactly for this reason that the children I know who fear their parents are more likely to rebel against them by doing bad things behind their backs. I know that children who respect their parents would never cheat or steal or lie for fearing of disappointing their parents. Even if they did do these bad things, they always feel very bad about it. However, it is often the children who have bad or fearful relationships with their parents who develop bad habits like drug use or cheating or stealing. Because when they fear their parents, they also resent them, which gives them no reason to care what their parents say or think. Their only goal is to avoid getting in trouble with their parents. But if they respect their parents, they respect themselves, and that is a value that will always keep them safe and on the right track even when their parents are not there to guide them.
(Harvey’s answer was quite informative and he goes on to explain the concept of respecting your children in more detail in Part 2 of this post.)
Harvey Liu’s Answer, continued:
So how does a parent cultivate respect from his/her child? It’s by being their friend. The most successful students I know have very strong relationships with their parents. They trust their parents enough to tell them things, very personal things. Whether problems with school, with friends, with girlfriends or boyfriends, they always go to their parents first. They respect their parents enough to always be honest with them, to always tell them the truth no matter how bad or terrible it is. As I’ve gotten older, I think this is what parents want most. I think that my relationship with my parents, although certainly not perfect, has gotten much much better, and I now feel that I respect them so much more because I trust them better and I can talk with them. I see them not only as authority figures, but also friends that I can relate to. I can talk to them about personal issues, and I can just have a casual chat with them about trivial matters like current events, politics, sports, or even gossip! And I think they love it. My parents, however, have many friends whose children are now grown and have either left for college or have graduate college and gotten jobs. These parents never developed a strong relationship with their children. They were always the authority figure, the “iron fist” in their childrens’ lives. These parents now are so frustrated because they find it so difficult to communicate with their children. When their students leave for college or no longer live in their homes, it becomes so much more difficult to keep in contact with them. These children rarely call home, they don’t tell their parents anything. They become completely separate people, and I think that really hurts parents the most. In college, it’s really easy to see those students who have really strong relationships with their parents. I have friends who call their parents EVERY day! And they talk for hours! One of my best friends texts his mother all the time, whether just to have a casual chat or to joke with them. It is no coincidence that these students tend to be the most ambitious and high achieving. Most importantly, they are what’s called “well-adjusted”, meaning that they are successful in every aspect of life, both in academics, extra curriculars, and social endeavors.
In order to achieve this, it is important for parents to respect their children. I think this is the hardest part for Chinese parents. It seems that many Chinese parents feel that “respect” is not a two way street, that children MUST always respect their parents/elders, but parents are not obligated to respect their children. It is this ideology that creates huge gaps in understanding and relationships. It is absolutely necessary to recognize that respect, trust, and friendship are all inextricably tied together. One can observe in social settings how young people become closest friends with people whom they respect, and who respect them in return. These people are those whom an individual trusts the most. These are also the people whose ideas and opinions a person cares the most about. This is why children who actually respect their parents REALLY do what their parents say, and actually LIVE the values their parents try to teach them. As opposed to children who fear their parents only PRETEND to listen to their parents, and only when their parents are watching. Thus, it is ultimately important for parents to show respect to their children- to show that they care about their childrens’ ideas, opinions, thoughts, and actions. This is one big thing I noticed in Paris- that parents rarely treat their children like small children. Instead, parents seem to have discussions with their children, asking their opinions, encouraging them to think more, to speak more. As a result, it is overwhelmingly incredible just how mature Parisian children are. Their parents set the expectation very high for these children, and the nature of a child is such that he/she will always grow to meet those expectations. In America however, especially with Asian families, I often see parents scolding their children, yelling at them to do this, or not to do that. When they aren’t trying to control their children, they just ignore them. It’s very important to  know that a child knows when he/she is being disrespected. My little brother is 12 years old, and I always know when he will be upset at something my parents say because of how they say it. The phrase “talking down” to someone means speaking to someone as if you were so much better or smarter than them, as if the person you were talking to was  untelligent. Children, like my brother, are very sensitive to being “talked down” to, and it upsets them very much. It is for this very reason that my little brother (and even I, myself, sometimes!) reacts very angrily when my parents try to tell him things, because they are talking to him in a way that makes him feel like a baby, because they are not respecting the fact that he is a smart, and very mature young man who is very quickly approaching adulthood. This is also the reason why hitting a child is such a useless and ineffective teaching tool; it makes the child feel dehumanized. And while it may force the child to temporarily remember a minor lesson, the anger and resentment that results remains forever. Eventually, it will be impossible for the child to any longer take in or listen to any lesson his/her parents want to teach them. I know this must be very difficult for parents for many reasons, but especially because they want to think of their children as always being these small little simple people, to always be their babies, but it’s possibly the most important factor in developing a solid foundation for a strong relationship.