辽宁鞍山岫岩偏岭中学:BEING A GOOD PARENT AND BUILDING GOOD RELATIONS

The reader’s question contained numerous personal details about his life, so to preserve anonymity we present our feelings about his situation, and what he can do for his children. Suffice to say, he has a devoted wife that attends all of her children’s school events and extracurricular activities, and he feels she is sometimes stricter than necessary on their performances. His children are hard-working and sweet, though a little shy.

Zen Ren’s Commentary:

Your love for your children and understanding about this situation really move me, and I hope what I have to say can be of use to your family.

I notice that when you refer to your wife as being a good mother, you mention her presence only as an academic mentor. It’s important that parents push their children to succeed at school, but that’s not what being a good parent is solely about; we need to learn life lessons too. When I was little my father did not quite understand this concept, so he mostly helped with homework, scolded me when I wanted to play games instead of study, and rarely had actual conversations with me about life, my day, or things he regarded as trivial but were significant to me. To this day he has no clue what is my favorite color, my friends’ names, or my favorite kind of music – though he does know that I have trouble with Chemistry and I like English. The role he has taken in my life is solely that of a school tutor, and I regret that this has permanently damaged any possibility of having a real father/daughter relationship with him. Your wife still has time to connect with your daughter on a level greater than that of a school tutor and build a relationship that is greater than simply academic or college-oriented. The reality is that if this doesn’t change, then once your daughter leaves for college, communication might cease drastically (as it has for not only me but many of my Chinese-American friends brought up in a similar manner.)I know your wife cares deeply about her daughter and that she wants the best for her children, and that she loves her unconditionally. But she needs to express this love on a level other than simply pushing her to excel if she wants to maintain a healthy, long-lasting relationship with her. I understand the idea behind saying tough things is to not spoil the children, but when a child grows up with American friends while she herself is in a Chinese household, the truth is that your child will compare, and find it unnecessarily tough or abusive. I can give your daughter all the advice in the world, but it won’t help build a good relationship with her mother unless both sides work together. As for your daughter herself, I was also very shy in middle school and had trouble making friends, as well as maintaining a positive relationship with my parents. Now, I’ve grown past that and regard myself as a very self-aware and confident person. Middle school is always a tough time as it marks the transition into adolescence. What really changed me was understanding a few key things and holding them closely during even the most stressful times in my life: Firstly, that “all things will pass.” What is an issue today will fail to be an issue later, so don’t regard everything as pivotally life-changing. Secondly, I chose to worry about things I had direct control over (homework) and not about things I couldn’t. Thirdly, how others percieve me is a direct result of how I perceive myself. As a shy person I was unconfident about speaking to new people because I was afraid I’d have nothing interesting to say. Therefore, I rarely reached out, so other people thought I was uninteresting and shy, and this only fueled my suspicions even more. What I’ve discovered is that by acting like I’m on top of the world and the most fascinating person in the world, it is infinitely easier to make friends and build a wonderful support system, even if inside I’m still a little shy like 7th grade Zen. In my first three days at college, being outgoing and believing in myself has already led to a group of incredibly close friends that I know I will remain with for the rest of college.
Harvey Liu’s answer:
Thank you so much for taking the time out to contact us. I am very impressed with and touched by your concern for your daughter, and I am more than happy to help her.Growing up, my dad also bought into the tough love technique for child raising. He was very hard on me, both physically and verbally, and as a child it was very difficult for me to understand or accept his behavior. I was often told that it was for my own good and, like your wife, my dad believed if I was told that I was stupid, or that I couldn’t do anything, I would be more motivated to prove otherwise.Now that I am older, I can better understand the motive behind his actions. I believe that much of my success can be attributed to the fact that he pushed me. However, having met many brilliant, high-achieving, and very successful young people and their families, I have come to understand that being abusive does not necessarily translate to pushing your child to greatness, and that there are more effective ways of pushing and motivating your child than through abuse and negativity. For example, there was this young man who was a year younger than me in high school who was an extremely talented athlete. Even in middle school, he was being eyed by the coaches of our nationally ranked high school football team. His father, who used to play in the NFL, had very high expectations for him and pushed him very hard. They both would wake up very early in the morning (around 5 am) to work out and do drills. Still, despite this very tough regiment, this boy and his father maintained a very strong and loving relationship, and he considers his father one of his best friends. This young man was recruited by every single Ivy League college (and Stanford) for football, but he chose instead to attend a Pac 10 school with a very prestigious football team. I think this is a great example for how positive teaching and encouragement can lead to great things.While I do acknowledge the positive outcomes of his methods, I have also realized the burden my dad’s actions has left with me, and how in some ways it has crippled me. And like I said, while much of my success can attributed to his pushing me, I also find myself having to constantly work very hard to overcome a lot of the damage he inflicted. I don’t entirely blame my dad. I honestly do believe that he was doing what he thought was best for me, and would have behaved otherwise had he believed another method to be better than his. While I think he’s realized some of his mistakes, and acts differently with my brother (who is also 12), there are still some things that have not changed. I constantly counsel my brother to understand that change is slow, and that life is not about resisting bad situations, but making the best out them.So you see, this issue is very important to me. I find it very unfortunate that within the Chinese-American community, children are pushed so hard to succeed in one aspect, but at the cost of other possible success. I hope this helps!