九乡新闻网跨界歌王王祖蓝险胜:分享几个英语的BLUE JOKES
来源：百度文库 编辑：九乡新闻网 时间：2024/04/28 18:27:12
(一)boyfriend wants to have sex with his girlfriend,but ashamed of his small organ...decided to bring girlfriend in dark place,open his ziper and put penis in GF's hand...GF:no thanks ,i don't smoke!这个大家都看到过吧。
A husband said to his wife, "I will take a photo of your breasts and frame it ."
The wife said to her husband, "I will take a photo of your penisss and enlarge it."
（二）three drunk friends made a bet whoever can make their wives scream the longest during sex win 1000.next day when they met.
first guy:I made love to my wife 2.5hours and she screaming for 1.5hours;
second guy:I licked my wife for 2hours and she was screaming whole time and even 1/2hour after I was done;
third guy:that’s nothing,I made love to my wife 10mins and I came twice,wipe my dick on the curtain and my wife still screming at me up to now!这个没怎么看懂哦，呵呵
(三)Q:what is the strongest muscle?
A:the tongue—it can raise a woman’s hips.
Q:what is the lightest muscle?
A:the penis—it can be raised by a tongue.
A little kid says to his mother, "Mommy, last night I saw you sitting on Daddy's belly and jumping up and down. Why were you doing that?" She says "Oh, uh, I was just trying to squeeze the air out of Daddy's belly." So the kid says, "I don't know why, the neighbor lady's just gonna blow him up again tomorrow."
5. This guy has a girl friend named Wendy who finally convinces him to tatoo her name on his penis... well when it's soft you can only see W Y .
One night they go out and he goes to the restroom. He sees a tall black guy standing at the urinal next to him and notices a "W Y" tattoo on his penis too.
He hesitates then asks the guy if his girlfriend's name is Wendy too. The guy replies "No, why?"
He explains that his girlfriend had him get "Wendy" tatooed on his penis and it too only shows W Y when it's soft. Then he asks the guy... so what's your tatoo say when it's hard anyway?
The guy replies "Welcome to Jamaica, have a nice day!"这个很经典，哈哈。
(七)a new army captain inspected the soldiers in their barracks.he noticed a female horse.
Captain:what’s that horse for?
soldier:our men use her if they feel an urge to have sex.
Captain:ah,it is ok.
(One night,the captain feel an urge,so the soldier brought the hurse to his tent.the captain fucked the hurse.after that,he saw the soldier smiling outside his tent)
captain:its so hard!..how do you do it?
soldier:we ride on the horse to the next town where the girl are.
Captain:son-of-a-bitch!!!
(九)what is a HYMEN?
answer:a sheet of flesh inside a woman’s vagina.its purpose is to greet entering penises…."Hi men!"..呵呵，复数啊
十）Mrs:doc,how is my husband?
Dor:he’ll be ALL RIGHT!
Mrs:what?after that horrible accident?
Dor:yes,we cut off his LEFT arm and LEFT leg,so,all RIGHT now!!这个很有趣，黑色幽默。
continue to do...
(12)
little girl:”mommy,I just found out that the little boy next door has a penis like a peanut”
mommy:”you mean its small?”
little girl:no,its salty
(13)
man:my wife needs a bra but I don’t know the size…
sales girl:don’t worry sir,touch my boobs and try 2 estimate.
man:oh..i forgot!!she needs panties too!!
14) Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time." The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis......fifty times."
(15)P代表比索,菲律宾的货币单位
Boss:let me fuck you,just 1 time,I’ll be quick,I’ll throw p1000 on the floor & before you bend &and pick it up,I’ll be done!
Girl likes the proposal&calls her boyfriend.
Boyfriend:ok but ask for p2000 & be very quick to pick up the money…
After 4 hours boyfriend calls &asks:”what happened?”
Girl:shit!it was all coins!! 这个比较搞笑
16）强烈推荐这一个。呵呵The man tells his doctor that his wife hasn't wanted to have sex with him for the past 7 months. The physician tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her.
>
>When the wife comes to office, the doctor asks her why doesn't she want to have sex with her husband any more.
>"For the last 7 months," the wife replies, "every morning I take a cab to work. I don't make much money and my husband doesn't give more than bus fare, so the cab driver always asks me, 'So are you going to pay today or what?' I always give him an 'or what'.
>That makes me late for work. I'm late, so the boss asks me, 'So
>are we going to dock your salary, or what?' That's another 'or what.'
>On the way home, I take the cab and again I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me, 'So are you going to pay this time or what?' And, again, I do an 'or what'.
>
>So you see, Doctor, when I get home I'm all tired out and I don't want sex any more."
>
>The doctor thinks for a second. "So," he says, "are we going to tell your husband or what?"
（17）A doctor walked back to the examining room to talk to an 80 years old man after a full physical examination.
The doctor check the chart and told the old man, every thing looks fine, “by the way” the doctor asked “How was you sex life?” The old man reply, “My sex life……” “I have sex almost everyday”
The surprised doctor said “Please tell me how can I keep myself in shape so when I become 80 year old, I can have sex everyday like you?”
The old man tell the doctor, “No, No, No. What I meant was; I almost had sex on Monday, I almost had sex on Tuesday, I almost had sex on Wednesday, and I almost had sex on Thursday and I almost…………….. I have sex almost everyday”.
（18） It was the mailman’s last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.
The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.
She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate sex he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice.
When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the coffee cup. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what’s the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."
My Husband said, "Fuck him! ! ! ! Give him a dollar."
The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea." 这个很有意思，看一下。
19）sex is like mathematics. Add the bed, minus the light,subtract the cloths,bring down the panty,divide the legs find the decimal point, then get ready to multiply.
20‘A priest lost a BIRD & askd during mass: Any1 got a BIRD?All men stoodup. I mean any1 seen a BIRD?All women stoodup. I meant any1 seen my BIRD?All nuns stood up!
21；seven days makes one WEEK
seven days of sex makes one WEAK
but no sex in a week makes one SICK
however good sex once a week makes one SEEK!
22；A father walked past his little boys room and heard the boy saying "god bless mummy, daddy, grandma, bye bye grandpa!" the father thought nothing of it and was glad the boy was praying.
The next day they found the boys grandfather dead. that night the father heard the boy say "god bless mummy, daddy bye bye grandma." the next day the grandma was found dead.
That night the father heard the boy say "god bless mummy bye bye daddy." the father was realy worried and stayed up all night in the morning he went to the doctor "help me Please! ! ! I think I’m going to die" but the doctor went "you're perfectly fine." the father went home feeling worried but when he walked through the front door his wife said:
"I’m so glad you're here, I just found out our milkman is dead this morning."
23；One day,a man went to see a doctor, he said:my penis is small,can you have a good way to make it larger and not make me pain.
The doctor think it over,then he said:Ok,you can use a magnifiger
24；A kid asks a priest: "Father besides praying do you have any other enjoyable past time?"
the priest tapped the kid's cheek and calmly replied:
"NUN(修女）...my child, NUN..!"（none,,,,my child ,none)呵呵
25;疯狂主妇 A family Doctor got a call from a frantic woman in the middle of the night, “Doctor; come quick! My son swallows a condom”. The Doctor replied, “ I’ll be there in few minutes”
While the doctor was getting dress, the women call again. “ Doctor, you don’t have to come now” The Doctor asks “Way? Did he vomit the condom out?”
“No” the woman said, “ My husband found another one”.
26 可爱的女儿An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an open buggy（敞篷车） one cold, blustery January day. The daughter said to the mother, "My hands are freezing cold." The mother replied, "Put your hands between your legs. The body heat will warm them up." So the daughter did, and her hands warmed up. The next day, the daughter was riding in the buggy with her boyfriend. The boyfriend said, "My hands are freezing cold." The daughter said, "Put them between my legs, they’ll warm up."
The next day, the boyfriend is driving in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is freezing cold." The daughter said, "Put it between my legs. It will warm up." He did, and his nose warmed up.
The next day, the boyfriend is driving again with the daughter and he said, "My penis is frozen solid." The next day, the daughter is driving in the buggy with her mother, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?" The slightly concerned mother says, "Sure, why do you ask?"
The daughter says, "Well, they make one hell of a mess when they thaw out.（解冻）
27 A teenage girl comes home from school and asks her mother. "Is it true what Rita just told me? Babies come out of the same place where boys put their penises?"
"Yes, dear," replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter.
"But then when I have a baby," the teenager pondered.......................
"won't it knock all my teeth out?"
A husband said to his wife, "I will take a photo of your breasts and frame it ."
The wife said to her husband, "I will take a photo of your penisss and enlarge it."
（二）three drunk friends made a bet whoever can make their wives scream the longest during sex win 1000.next day when they met.
first guy:I made love to my wife 2.5hours and she screaming for 1.5hours;
second guy:I licked my wife for 2hours and she was screaming whole time and even 1/2hour after I was done;
third guy:that’s nothing,I made love to my wife 10mins and I came twice,wipe my dick on the curtain and my wife still screming at me up to now!这个没怎么看懂哦，呵呵
(三)Q:what is the strongest muscle?
A:the tongue—it can raise a woman’s hips.
Q:what is the lightest muscle?
A:the penis—it can be raised by a tongue.
A little kid says to his mother, "Mommy, last night I saw you sitting on Daddy's belly and jumping up and down. Why were you doing that?" She says "Oh, uh, I was just trying to squeeze the air out of Daddy's belly." So the kid says, "I don't know why, the neighbor lady's just gonna blow him up again tomorrow."
5. This guy has a girl friend named Wendy who finally convinces him to tatoo her name on his penis... well when it's soft you can only see W Y .
One night they go out and he goes to the restroom. He sees a tall black guy standing at the urinal next to him and notices a "W Y" tattoo on his penis too.
He hesitates then asks the guy if his girlfriend's name is Wendy too. The guy replies "No, why?"
He explains that his girlfriend had him get "Wendy" tatooed on his penis and it too only shows W Y when it's soft. Then he asks the guy... so what's your tatoo say when it's hard anyway?
The guy replies "Welcome to Jamaica, have a nice day!"这个很经典，哈哈。
(七)a new army captain inspected the soldiers in their barracks.he noticed a female horse.
Captain:what’s that horse for?
soldier:our men use her if they feel an urge to have sex.
Captain:ah,it is ok.
(One night,the captain feel an urge,so the soldier brought the hurse to his tent.the captain fucked the hurse.after that,he saw the soldier smiling outside his tent)
captain:its so hard!..how do you do it?
soldier:we ride on the horse to the next town where the girl are.
Captain:son-of-a-bitch!!!
(九)what is a HYMEN?
answer:a sheet of flesh inside a woman’s vagina.its purpose is to greet entering penises…."Hi men!"..呵呵，复数啊
十）Mrs:doc,how is my husband?
Dor:he’ll be ALL RIGHT!
Mrs:what?after that horrible accident?
Dor:yes,we cut off his LEFT arm and LEFT leg,so,all RIGHT now!!这个很有趣，黑色幽默。
continue to do...
(12)
little girl:”mommy,I just found out that the little boy next door has a penis like a peanut”
mommy:”you mean its small?”
little girl:no,its salty
(13)
man:my wife needs a bra but I don’t know the size…
sales girl:don’t worry sir,touch my boobs and try 2 estimate.
man:oh..i forgot!!she needs panties too!!
14) Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time." The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis......fifty times."
(15)P代表比索,菲律宾的货币单位
Boss:let me fuck you,just 1 time,I’ll be quick,I’ll throw p1000 on the floor & before you bend &and pick it up,I’ll be done!
Girl likes the proposal&calls her boyfriend.
Boyfriend:ok but ask for p2000 & be very quick to pick up the money…
After 4 hours boyfriend calls &asks:”what happened?”
Girl:shit!it was all coins!! 这个比较搞笑
16）强烈推荐这一个。呵呵The man tells his doctor that his wife hasn't wanted to have sex with him for the past 7 months. The physician tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her.
>
>When the wife comes to office, the doctor asks her why doesn't she want to have sex with her husband any more.
>"For the last 7 months," the wife replies, "every morning I take a cab to work. I don't make much money and my husband doesn't give more than bus fare, so the cab driver always asks me, 'So are you going to pay today or what?' I always give him an 'or what'.
>That makes me late for work. I'm late, so the boss asks me, 'So
>are we going to dock your salary, or what?' That's another 'or what.'
>On the way home, I take the cab and again I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me, 'So are you going to pay this time or what?' And, again, I do an 'or what'.
>
>So you see, Doctor, when I get home I'm all tired out and I don't want sex any more."
>
>The doctor thinks for a second. "So," he says, "are we going to tell your husband or what?"
（17）A doctor walked back to the examining room to talk to an 80 years old man after a full physical examination.
The doctor check the chart and told the old man, every thing looks fine, “by the way” the doctor asked “How was you sex life?” The old man reply, “My sex life……” “I have sex almost everyday”
The surprised doctor said “Please tell me how can I keep myself in shape so when I become 80 year old, I can have sex everyday like you?”
The old man tell the doctor, “No, No, No. What I meant was; I almost had sex on Monday, I almost had sex on Tuesday, I almost had sex on Wednesday, and I almost had sex on Thursday and I almost…………….. I have sex almost everyday”.
（18） It was the mailman’s last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.
The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee.
She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate sex he had ever experienced.
When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice.
When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the coffee cup. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what’s the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."
My Husband said, "Fuck him! ! ! ! Give him a dollar."
The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea." 这个很有意思，看一下。
19）sex is like mathematics. Add the bed, minus the light,subtract the cloths,bring down the panty,divide the legs find the decimal point, then get ready to multiply.
20‘A priest lost a BIRD & askd during mass: Any1 got a BIRD?All men stoodup. I mean any1 seen a BIRD?All women stoodup. I meant any1 seen my BIRD?All nuns stood up!
21；seven days makes one WEEK
seven days of sex makes one WEAK
but no sex in a week makes one SICK
however good sex once a week makes one SEEK!
22；A father walked past his little boys room and heard the boy saying "god bless mummy, daddy, grandma, bye bye grandpa!" the father thought nothing of it and was glad the boy was praying.
The next day they found the boys grandfather dead. that night the father heard the boy say "god bless mummy, daddy bye bye grandma." the next day the grandma was found dead.
That night the father heard the boy say "god bless mummy bye bye daddy." the father was realy worried and stayed up all night in the morning he went to the doctor "help me Please! ! ! I think I’m going to die" but the doctor went "you're perfectly fine." the father went home feeling worried but when he walked through the front door his wife said:
"I’m so glad you're here, I just found out our milkman is dead this morning."
23；One day,a man went to see a doctor, he said:my penis is small,can you have a good way to make it larger and not make me pain.
The doctor think it over,then he said:Ok,you can use a magnifiger
24；A kid asks a priest: "Father besides praying do you have any other enjoyable past time?"
the priest tapped the kid's cheek and calmly replied:
"NUN(修女）...my child, NUN..!"（none,,,,my child ,none)呵呵
25;疯狂主妇 A family Doctor got a call from a frantic woman in the middle of the night, “Doctor; come quick! My son swallows a condom”. The Doctor replied, “ I’ll be there in few minutes”
While the doctor was getting dress, the women call again. “ Doctor, you don’t have to come now” The Doctor asks “Way? Did he vomit the condom out?”
“No” the woman said, “ My husband found another one”.
26 可爱的女儿An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an open buggy（敞篷车） one cold, blustery January day. The daughter said to the mother, "My hands are freezing cold." The mother replied, "Put your hands between your legs. The body heat will warm them up." So the daughter did, and her hands warmed up. The next day, the daughter was riding in the buggy with her boyfriend. The boyfriend said, "My hands are freezing cold." The daughter said, "Put them between my legs, they’ll warm up."
The next day, the boyfriend is driving in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is freezing cold." The daughter said, "Put it between my legs. It will warm up." He did, and his nose warmed up.
The next day, the boyfriend is driving again with the daughter and he said, "My penis is frozen solid." The next day, the daughter is driving in the buggy with her mother, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis?" The slightly concerned mother says, "Sure, why do you ask?"
The daughter says, "Well, they make one hell of a mess when they thaw out.（解冻）
27 A teenage girl comes home from school and asks her mother. "Is it true what Rita just told me? Babies come out of the same place where boys put their penises?"
"Yes, dear," replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter.
"But then when I have a baby," the teenager pondered.......................
"won't it knock all my teeth out?"
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