Give your girl an orgasm

Published: 23 Aug 2010

ANY considerate lover wants their partner to feel satisfied, but there are major differences between men's and women's orgasms.

If you are a guy wanting to be sure your partner reaches orgasm, be careful that you aren't putting pressure on your wife or girlfriend to enjoy her sex life as you think she ought to, rather than tuning in to her needs and desires.

Men and women do have quite different sexual needs and responses. Men usually rate intercourse as the most important activity and see making love as a sequence of the three Es - excitement, erection and ejaculation. Most men feel they've failed if their partner doesn't also climax, preferably during intercourse.

However, only around 50 per cent of women do usually reach orgasm when they make love and only about half of these usually do so during intercourse. So, if your partner is enjoying the total experience of having sex, if she is left feeling content and fulfilled, then there is no reason why either of you should feel she has a problem even if she doesn't always orgasm. She's quite normal.

Nonetheless, you will want to be sure that you're making love to your partner in a way most likely to help her experience full sexual satisfaction and reach orgasm, if that's what she wants.

First of all she must be in the right mood to want to make love - and that may well largely depend on how considerate you are as a partner out of bed, as well as in it. You may think a couple of drinks will help her get in the mood but don't over-do it.

Too much alcohol can add to the problem, dry up the vaginal secretions and reduce the blood flow to the sex organs. This in turn can make sex more painful and make it harder for a woman to reach orgasm.

If the mood is right, try not to approach love-making like a football match, when the winning goal is all. Think of it more like a leisurely swim in warm seas, when every stroke is a pleasure in itself. Allow a lot of time for foreplay.

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You want to bring your partner's body alive all over. You may well like to start with kissing, and caress her arms, her back, her legs, experimenting with firm, smooth strokes and light, finger-tip, feathery movements. Caress and kiss her face, mouth, ears, neck.

When both of you feel that your skin is alive all over, then you can move on to the more obviously sexual areas of stimulation. Caress and kiss all over her body. To start with just make the odd lightning dash to the sexual area and away again, and then gradually start to linger longer.

The part of women's anatomy which brings most of them the most pleasure is the clitoris, a sort of little peak in front of the vagina. It is very, very sensitive. Some women find direct stimulation quickly makes them feel sore. You must experiment. The flat of your hand may be what feels best. The tongue can work wonders if your partner enjoys oral sex.

And do talk to one another while you make love. You have got to communicate to let one another know how you feel and what is good. Don't expect to read one another's thoughts. Sex can be magical but it can't achieve miracles of mind-reading.

This build-up can take half an hour before your partner feels quite ready for intercourse, though she may already have reached orgasm through your love-play.

If you are going to have intercourse, the position or positions you choose are up to you - there are no rights or wrongs. Some couples have a wonderful sex life never varying from the traditional "missionary", face to face with the man lying between the woman's legs, but many women find they get more sensation in the missionary position if they place a pillow underneath their bottom.

Some women enjoy the clitoris or surrounding area being caressed at the same time as having intercourse, perhaps with the man approaching from behind.

Reaching a climax needs some muscle tension and you can give this a nudge in the right direction. The woman shouldn't try to relax but consciously tense the pelvic-floor muscle (if you're unsure how to do this, I can send you my free leaflet on increasing sexual sensation which explains). Then she should arch her back and put her head back. This gets her body in the right position to reach climax, as long as her partner carries on pleasuring her.

Some women find it best if they are on top so they have more control, as sometimes it will feel good to both of you to go fast, sometimes slowly. Again, you must feel free to talk to one another.

Couples have widely varying patterns of orgasmic response. It certainly doesn't matter whether you both climax at the same time. A happy pattern achieved by many couples is that the woman climaxes once or more times - the number doesn't really matter as long as she enjoys it - and the man climaxes afterwards.

If you climax first and lose your erection, you can either wait and build up to it again, or you can bring her to climax through other stimulation.

Modern-style vibrators designed especially to suit women's sexual responses can make a positive difference. Check out www.emotionalbliss.com, www.durex.co.uk and www.passion8.com.

Tingletip is a tiny but powerful vibrator for clitoral stimulation only, designed to fit on the head of an electric toothbrush - so great for travelling (www.tingletip.com). The Vielle range - which includes a non-electrical clitoral stimulator, lubricant and stimulating gel to enhance sexual arousal - is widely available in pharmacies and Boots.

If your partner consistently maintains that nothing feels right, then don't assume this necessarily means your technique as a lover is at fault.

If you know you've pretty well followed the suggestions I've given here, then the problem is almost certainly that for some reason anxiety is blocking her sexual responsiveness. Common reasons for that are a represssive upbringing or unhappy early experiences.

It may be resolved if you have patience and can persuade your partner to confide in you, but such problems often need expert help to be properly sorted out. I can send you further information on problems such as sexual abuse, and you could arrange to see a Relate therapist (0300 100 1234, www.relate.org.uk).

I hope that helps. If you would like further advice, please e-mail problems@deardeidre.org. I'll look forward to hearing from you.