陌上云暮迟迟归小说:经史冰岩教授修改后的作文

湖北省麻城三中高三罗朝霞的原文
    指导老师尹继友
    Last Saturday evening, my family sat in the yard enjoying the cool summer wind1 after supper. We talked about the things that happened2 during the whole week. Suddenly I remembered that my trousers had come apart at the seams. So I brought out3 and said to my mother, "Mum, can you help me mend my broken trousers?" My mother looked at me and said," You are not a child any more. Why don't you try to do it by yourself?" Then she turned back and went on chatting with others4.
    I said nothing for a while, so5 I took out a needle and some thread. At the moment I had made up my mind to sew it on my own6. But when I tried to do so, I pricked my finger and made it bleed7. I let out a cry of pain.
    My mother came around8 in a hurry, holding my hand and rubbing it with care. "Darling, you have already grown up,please9 remember that in your future life you must depend on yourself. Otherwise you would not survive in case you have no one to help you10. There is only thing11 that will help you is your skill! "mother said.
    I knew my mother told me the truth of life. So I said to my mother with a smile, "Thank you, Mum. I understand that12. I will try to sew it once more. please teach me how, OK?" My mother smiled, and her smile filled me with confidence.
    经史冰岩教授修改后的作文
    Last Saturday, my family sat in the yard enjoying a cool breeze on a summer night after supper. We talked about the things that had happened during the whole week. Suddenly I remembered that my trousers had come apart at the seams. So I brought it out and said to my mother," Mum, can you help me mend my broken trousers?" My mother looked at me and said. "You are not a child any more. Why don't you try to do it by yourself? " Then she turned back and went on chatting with the others.
    I said nothing for a while. Then I took out a needle and some thread. At that very moment I made up my mind to sew it on my own. But when I tried to do So, I pricked my finger on the needle and made it bleed. I let out a cry of pain.
    My mother rushed to me in a hurry, holding my hand and rubbing it with care. "Darling, you have already grown up. Please remember that in your future life you must depend on yourself. Otherwise you will not survive in case there is no one to help you. The only thing that will help you is your skill!" mother said.
    I knew my mother told me the truth of life. So I said to my mother with a smile, "Thank you, Mum. I see. I will try to sew it once more. Please teach me how, OK?" My mother smiled, and her smile filled me with confidence.
    总体评价：这是一篇记叙文，全文结构较为严谨，思路清晰，作者将文中的时间、地点、人物及事件交代得清清楚楚。语言较为新颖，长、短句交融。作者运用了一些较好的短语come apart, on one's own, let out等，文中还反复使用了分词短语做状语、定语从句等语言形式。下面对原文中的主要修改之处分别讲解。
    1.“Last Saturday evening, my family sat in the yard enjoying the cool summer wind after supper.”文中的the cool summer wind从上下文来看，作者想表达的是仲夏夜凉爽的清风。因此改成a cool breeze on a summer night。
    2.“We talked about the things that happened during the whole week.”一周当中所发生的事情一定是发生在我们谈论之前，应视为“过去的过去”，因此改为the things that had happened，用过去完成时较为妥当。
    3.“So 1 brought out and said to my mother,...”动词＋介词／副词，可构成短语动词，这些短语动词也分为及物与不及物两类。brought out属及物动词一类，其后应带有宾语，因此改为brought it out。
    4.“Then she turned back and went on chatting with others.”本句中应将others改为the others，因为the others表示除了被提起的一个之外的？“其他的，其余的”。
    5.“I said nothing for a while, so I took out a needle and some thread.”so为从属连词，用来引出一个结果状语从句。但本句中的两个分句之间并非因果关系，而是时间先后的问题，因此使用表示时间关系的过渡性词语then做成两个简单句较为合理。
    6.“At the moment I had made up my mind to sew it on my own。”本句中应将had made up my mind改为made up my mind，用一般过去时。at the moment=now意为“此刻，现在”，at that very moment意为“就在那时”。
    7.“But when I tried to do so, I pricked my finger and made it bleed.”本句在结构和意义上都无可挑剔，但若加上on the needle会使整句的意义更加完整，同时也更突出了prick（扎，刺）的词意效果。
    8.“My mother came around in a hurry，...”句中的came around意为“恢复知觉，苏醒；再度发生”，与本句意思不符，可改成My mother rushed to me in a hurry，以表达母亲急切的心情。
    9.“Darling, you have already grown up, please remember that in your future life you must depend on yourself.”“I will try to sew it once more, please teach me how, OK?”这两句之间没有任何并列连词或从属连词，无法讲清两句之间的关系。因此应做成两个简单句。当然也可以使用并列连词and做成并列句。
    10.“Otherwise you would not survive in case you have no one to helP you.”请注意have为从属的“有”，there be为存在的“有”，在本句中使用there be句型更为恰当。
    11.“There is only thing that will help you is your skill!”mother said.本句在语法结构上出现失误，主句中出现了两个动词is。把There is only thing改为The only thing就可以了。
    12.“I understand that.”本句固然不错，更为贴切的说法是I see.或I know what you mean.^