九乡新闻网荆州市招聘网:英语幽默小集
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The Bait
A man and his wife were on a holiday.They went for a sail. Unfortunately the wife fell over board and was drowned. The man asked the pier-master to let him know if her body was found. Two weeks later he received a wire saying: "Body recovered yesterday covered with crabs. Send instructions." The man sent a wire back saying, "Sell crabs, send the money; reset bait."
Perfect Match A wealthy matron is so proud of a valuable antique vase that she decides to have her bedroom painted the same color as the vase. Several painters try to match the shade, but none comes close enough to satisfy the eccentric woman.
Eventually, a painter approaches who is confident he can mix the proper color. The woman is pleased with the result, and the painter becomes famous.
Years later, he retires and truns the business over to his son. "Dad," says the son, "there's something I've got to know. How did you get those walls to match the vase so perfectly?"
"Son," the father replies, "I painted the vase."
Mrs. Johnson and pig A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character. She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined.
After the trial he asked the judge, "Does this meanthat I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?"
The judge said that was true.
"Does this also mean I cannot call a pig, 'Mrs. Johnson'?" the man asked.
The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig 'Mrs. Johnson' with no fear of legal action.
The man looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said, "Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson."About Three Whistles I promised my girlfriend a gold necklace for her birthday, but when the jeweler quoted a price for one we liked, I let out a long, low whistle. "And how much are they then?" I asked, pointing to another tray.
"You, sir," replied the jeweler, "about three whistles."
Perhaps Not Customer: Waiter, I can’t find any oysters in this oyster stew.
Waiter: Well, you wouldn’t expect to find any angels in an angel food cake, would you?The hat is brand newThere was a little old lady standing at a corner one windy day. She was using both hands to keep her hat on while the wind blew her dress up.
A dignified southern gentleman came up and said, "Ma'am, you should be ashamed of yourself, letting your skirt blow around, like that, while you stand there holding your hat on."
"Look," she said, "everything under the dress is seventy years old, the hat is brand new!" An Old Couple's Quarrel A couple of codgers got into a quarrel and came before the local magistrate. The loser, turning to his opponent in a combative frame of mind, cried: "I'll law you to the Circuit Court."
"I'm willing," said the other.
"I'll law you to the Supreme Court."
"I'll be there."
"And I'll law the hell!"
"My attorney will be there," was the calm reply.Why he couldn't leave
There was a meeting with a large number of people. At first the speaker was very interesting, but as time went on, he became very boring. Finally when he was through, there was only one man sitting in the large room.
The speaker walked up to the man and said, "Thank you for hearing me out when all the others left the room."
"Oh! Don't mention it!" replied the man, "I cannot leave because I am the next speaker." MOSES &JESUSA burglar breaks into a house. He sees a CD player that he wants so he takes it. Then he hears a voice "JESUS is watching you". He looks around with his flashlight wandering "What The HELL Was That?". He spots some $ on a table and takes it......Once again he hears a voice "JESUS is watching you". He hides in a corner trying to find where the voice came from. He spots a birdcage with a parrot in it! He goes over and asks "Was that your voice?". It said "YES". He then says "What's your name?". It says "MOSES". The burglar says "What kind of person names his bird moses??" The parrot replys "THE SAME PERSON THAT NAMES HIS Rottweiler "JESUS".
The World's Greatest Swordsman At an exhibition of the world's best swordsman, the third-place fencer took the stage. A fly was released, and with an arc of his sword he cut the fly in half. The crowd cheered. Then the second-place man sliced a fly into quarters. A hush fell in anticipation of the world's greatest swordsman.
His blade came down in a mighty arc - but the insect continued on its way! The crowd was aghast. The greatest swordsman had missed his target completely, yet he continued to smile.
"Why are you so happy?" someone yelled. "You missed!"
"Ah," replied the swordsman, "you weren't watching very carefully. They fly lives, yes - but he will never be a father." You Can't Beat Me Father: I can't stand that，do you know why I'll punish you sternly？
Son: I don't know.
Father: Because you beat the younger child. I'll never let it happen again.
Son: But I'm younger than you, you can't beat me any way！ Talking FrogA guy is taking a walk and sees a frog on the side of the road. As he comes closer, the frog starts to talk.
"Kiss me and I will turn into a princess." The guy picks the frog up and puts it in his pocket. The frog starts shouting,
"Hey! Didn't you hear me? I'm a Princess. Just kiss me and I will be yours."
The guy takes the frog out of his pocket and smiles at it and puts it back.
The frog is really frustrated. "I don't get it. Why won't you kiss me? I will turn into a beautiful princess and do anything you ask."
The guy says, "Look, I'm a computer geek. I don't have time for girls. But a talking frog is cool.!" A Useful LessonIn England nobody under the age of 18 is allowed to drink in a public bar.
Mr. Thompson used to go to a bar near his house quite often, but he never took his son, Tom, because he was too young. Then when Tom had his eighteenth birthday, Mr. Thompson took him to his usual bar for the first time. They drank for half an hour, and then Mr. Thompson said to his son, "Now, Tom, I want to teach you a useful lesson. You must always be careful not to drink too much. And how you know when you've had enough? Well, I'll tell you. Do you see those two lights at the end of the bar? When they seem to have become four, you've had enough and should go home."
"But , Dad," said Tom, "I can only see one light at the end of the bar". Where is the WinnerCustomer: This lobster's only got one claw.
Waiter: I guess he's been in a fight, sir.
Customer: Well, bring me the winner. How Did You Ever Get Here One winter morning, an employee explained why he had shown up for work 45 minutes late. "It was so slippery out that for every step I took ahead, I slipped back two."
The boss eyed him suspiciously. "Oh, yeah? Then how did you ever get here?"
"I finally gave up," he said, "and started for home."I Drop my Weight From Skipping Mr. Smith was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet."I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost 5 pounds."When Mr. Smith returned, he had lost nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"Mr. Smith nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead by the end of that 3rd day.""From hunger, you mean?" "No, from skipping!" Grant each one a wish Osama Bin Laden, a Canadian, and President Bush were walking down the street when they saw a golden lamp. They rubbed it and a genie came out, said, "I will grant each one a wish that’s 3 together."
The Canadian said, "I am a father and my son will be a farmer so I want the soil in Canada to be forever fertile." The genie said the magic words and the wish came true.
Osama looked amazed so he wished for a wall around Afghanistan, the genie said the magic words and again the wish came true.
President Bush said "Genie, tell me more about this wall," the genie said,”It’s 50 feet thick and 500 feet tall so nothing can get in and nothing can get out."
President Bush said,”Wow! That’s a big bridge...Fill it with water!!! I Drop my Weight From Skipping Mr. Smith was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet."I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost 5 pounds."When Mr. Smith returned, he had lost nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"Mr. Smith nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead by the end of that 3rd day.""From hunger, you mean?" "No, from skipping!" Grant each one a wish Osama Bin Laden, a Canadian, and President Bush were walking down the street when they saw a golden lamp. They rubbed it and a genie came out, said, "I will grant each one a wish that’s 3 together."
The Canadian said, "I am a father and my son will be a farmer so I want the soil in Canada to be forever fertile." The genie said the magic words and the wish came true.
Osama looked amazed so he wished for a wall around Afghanistan, the genie said the magic words and again the wish came true.
President Bush said "Genie, tell me more about this wall," the genie said,”It’s 50 feet thick and 500 feet tall so nothing can get in and nothing can get out."
President Bush said,”Wow! That’s a big bridge...Fill it with water!!! Take Off My Clothes My wife came home the other night and told me to take off her blouse.
Then she told me to take off her skirt.
Then she told me not to wear her clothes anymore. Take Off My Clothes My wife came home the other night and told me to take off her blouse.
Then she told me to take off her skirt.
Then she told me not to wear her clothes anymore. In a murder trial... In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner:
Attorney: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse?
Coroner: No.
Attorney: Did you listen to the heart?
Coroner: No.
Attorney: Did you check for breathing?
Coroner: No.
Attorney: So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?
Coroner: Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess it's possible he could be out there practicing law somewhere. In a murder trial... In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner:
Attorney: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse?
Coroner: No.
Attorney: Did you listen to the heart?
Coroner: No.
Attorney: Did you check for breathing?
Coroner: No.
Attorney: So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?
Coroner: Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess it's possible he could be out there practicing law somewhere. Perfect Man, Perfect Woman There was a perfect man and a perfect woman. They met each other at a perfect party. They dated for two perfect years. They had the perfect wedding and the perfect honeymoon. They had two perfect children.
One day the perfect man and the perfect woman were driving in there perfect car, they saw an elf by the side of the road, being the perfect people they were they picked him up.
Well as the perfect man and the perfect woman were driving with the elf, somehow they got into an accident. Two people died and one lived.
Who died and who lived?
The perfect woman, because the perfect man and elves aren't real. Pa Won't Like It A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, "Hey Willis, forget your troubles. Come in and visit with us. I'll help you get the wagon up later."
"That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to."
"Aw come on boy," the farmer insisted.
"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "but Pa won't like it."
After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."
"Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?"
"Under the wagon." Final Confession Brittany was on her deathbed, with her husband Adam at her side.
She kept trying to tell him something, but he kept saying, "Shhhh, don't worry now darling, just rest."
"But honey," she whispered, "I need to make a confession before I die... I slept with your brother, your best friend, and your father."
"Don't worry about it, sweetie," replied Adam as he wiped the tears from Brittany's cheek, "I know. Why do you think I poisoned you?" Love at First Sight A man was eating in a fancy restaurant, and there was a gorgeous woman eating at the next table. He had been checking her out all night, but lacked the nerve to go talk to her. Suddenly she sneezed and her glass eye went flying out of its socket towards the man. With lightning quick reflexes, he caught it in mid-air."Oh my gosh, I am so sorry," she said as she popped her eye back in the socket. "Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you."They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together and afterwards the woman invited him back to her place for a drink. They went back to her house, and after some time, she took him into her bedroom and began undressing him. The couple had wild, passionate sex many times during the night. The next morning when he awoke, she had already gotten up and brought him breakfast in bed.The guy was amazed and said "You know, you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" "No, she replied. "You just happened to catch my eye!" If I Am a ManagerOne day in class, the teacher assigned his students to write a composition–if I Am a Manager.All the students began to write except a boy. The teacher went to him and asked the reason.“I am waiting for my secretary,”was the boy’s answer. The Popular Mule A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly.At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "Yes" and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head, "No" and mumble a reply. Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.The farmer replied, ''The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would ask, 'You wanna sell that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'" Refrigerator Man A woman goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doctor, you've got to do something about my husband -- he thinks he's a refrigerator!""I wouldn't worry too much about it," the doctor replies. "Lots of people have harmless delusions. It will pass.""But you don't understand," the woman insists. "He sleeps with his mouth open, and the little light keeps me awake." The Day Off From WorkMy husband was enjoying the day off from work and watched me scurry about the house. I picked up his dirty clothes, put away his work shoes, carried out his popcorn bowl from the previous night's football viewing, washed the breakfast dishes, wiped the coffee he'd spilled and ironed his shirts. Seeing a thoughtful look on his lace, I wondered if he was beginning to realize just how much unnecessary work he created for me. Maybe he would offer to help. "A penny for your thoughts," I said.
"I was thinking," he replied, "that one of the things I like best about you is how you always find ways to keep yourself busy." What does DC stand for An American teacher asked one of her pupils, "What's the nation's capital?"
The reply was "Washington DC"
On being asked what the "DC" stood for, the pupils all answered：
"Dot com!" If You Could! An affluent couple gets into an argument over dinner."If you could cook," said the husband, "we could fire the chef.""If you could screw," replied the wife, "we could fire the driver." This is my seat It was a woman's first time on a plane. She boarded the plane and found herself a window seat.
After she settled in, a man came over and insisted that she was in his seat. She ignored him and told him to go away.
"Okay," replied the man. "If that's the way you want it, you fly the plane." Sooner or later A thief with a long record was brought before the judge. Judge: Have you ever stolen things? Thief: Oh, now and then. Judge: And where have you stolen these things? Thief: Oh, here and there. Judge: Right. Lock him up, officer. Thief: Hey, when do I get out jail? Judge: Oh, sooner or later. Our Tails The lecturer on evolution had been going on for nearly two hours. then he started again, and said he:"Let me ask the evolutionist a question --- if we had tails like a baboon, where are they?" "I'll venture an answer, "said an old lady. "We have worn them off sitting here so long.". Roses for My WifeOn the way home one night, I spotted some fresh-cut roses outside a florist's shop. After selecting a dozen and entering the shop, I was greeted by a young saleswoman.
"Are these for your wife, sir?" she asked.
"Yes," I said.
"For her birthday?" she asked.
"No," I replied.
"For your unniversary?"
"No," I said again.
As I pocketed my change and headed toward the door, the young woman called out, "I hope she forgives you." A burglar A man went to the police office wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. "You will get your chance in court." said the Desk Sergeant. "No, no, no." said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years."moron? stupid? One day a college professor of Psychology was greeting his new college class. He stood up in front of the class and said,"Would everyone who thinks he or she is stupid please stand up?" After a minute or so of silence, a young man stood up. "Well, good morning. So, you actually think you're a moron?" the professor asked. The kid replied, "No sir, I just didn't want to see you standing there all by yourself." To Go to Heaven Sunday School teacher: Hands up all those who want to go to Heaven? Hands up ..... what about you, Terry? You haven't got your hand up -- don't you want to go to Heaven?
Terry: I can't. My Mum told me to go straight home. I Always Do Two friends were talking about work, when one asked, "Say, why did the foreman fire you? " Replied the second, "Well, you know how a foreman is always standing around and watch others work. My foreman got jealous. People started thinking I was the foreman." Accountant An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. "Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night." "Have you tried counting sheep? " "That's the problem. I make a mistake and spend three hours trying to find it." A poor poet Poet: I hope you've received the little volume of poems I sent you. Woman: Oh, yes. It's very nice. I wonder where I've put it? Her son: It's under the leg of the table, Mom, to make it steady.
A man and his wife were on a holiday.They went for a sail. Unfortunately the wife fell over board and was drowned. The man asked the pier-master to let him know if her body was found. Two weeks later he received a wire saying: "Body recovered yesterday covered with crabs. Send instructions." The man sent a wire back saying, "Sell crabs, send the money; reset bait."
Perfect Match A wealthy matron is so proud of a valuable antique vase that she decides to have her bedroom painted the same color as the vase. Several painters try to match the shade, but none comes close enough to satisfy the eccentric woman.
Eventually, a painter approaches who is confident he can mix the proper color. The woman is pleased with the result, and the painter becomes famous.
Years later, he retires and truns the business over to his son. "Dad," says the son, "there's something I've got to know. How did you get those walls to match the vase so perfectly?"
"Son," the father replies, "I painted the vase."
Mrs. Johnson and pig A man was sued by a woman for defamation of character. She charged that he had called her a pig. The man was found guilty and fined.
After the trial he asked the judge, "Does this meanthat I cannot call Mrs. Johnson a pig?"
The judge said that was true.
"Does this also mean I cannot call a pig, 'Mrs. Johnson'?" the man asked.
The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig 'Mrs. Johnson' with no fear of legal action.
The man looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said, "Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson."About Three Whistles I promised my girlfriend a gold necklace for her birthday, but when the jeweler quoted a price for one we liked, I let out a long, low whistle. "And how much are they then?" I asked, pointing to another tray.
"You, sir," replied the jeweler, "about three whistles."
Perhaps Not Customer: Waiter, I can’t find any oysters in this oyster stew.
Waiter: Well, you wouldn’t expect to find any angels in an angel food cake, would you?The hat is brand newThere was a little old lady standing at a corner one windy day. She was using both hands to keep her hat on while the wind blew her dress up.
A dignified southern gentleman came up and said, "Ma'am, you should be ashamed of yourself, letting your skirt blow around, like that, while you stand there holding your hat on."
"Look," she said, "everything under the dress is seventy years old, the hat is brand new!" An Old Couple's Quarrel A couple of codgers got into a quarrel and came before the local magistrate. The loser, turning to his opponent in a combative frame of mind, cried: "I'll law you to the Circuit Court."
"I'm willing," said the other.
"I'll law you to the Supreme Court."
"I'll be there."
"And I'll law the hell!"
"My attorney will be there," was the calm reply.Why he couldn't leave
There was a meeting with a large number of people. At first the speaker was very interesting, but as time went on, he became very boring. Finally when he was through, there was only one man sitting in the large room.
The speaker walked up to the man and said, "Thank you for hearing me out when all the others left the room."
"Oh! Don't mention it!" replied the man, "I cannot leave because I am the next speaker." MOSES &JESUSA burglar breaks into a house. He sees a CD player that he wants so he takes it. Then he hears a voice "JESUS is watching you". He looks around with his flashlight wandering "What The HELL Was That?". He spots some $ on a table and takes it......Once again he hears a voice "JESUS is watching you". He hides in a corner trying to find where the voice came from. He spots a birdcage with a parrot in it! He goes over and asks "Was that your voice?". It said "YES". He then says "What's your name?". It says "MOSES". The burglar says "What kind of person names his bird moses??" The parrot replys "THE SAME PERSON THAT NAMES HIS Rottweiler "JESUS".
The World's Greatest Swordsman At an exhibition of the world's best swordsman, the third-place fencer took the stage. A fly was released, and with an arc of his sword he cut the fly in half. The crowd cheered. Then the second-place man sliced a fly into quarters. A hush fell in anticipation of the world's greatest swordsman.
His blade came down in a mighty arc - but the insect continued on its way! The crowd was aghast. The greatest swordsman had missed his target completely, yet he continued to smile.
"Why are you so happy?" someone yelled. "You missed!"
"Ah," replied the swordsman, "you weren't watching very carefully. They fly lives, yes - but he will never be a father." You Can't Beat Me Father: I can't stand that，do you know why I'll punish you sternly？
Son: I don't know.
Father: Because you beat the younger child. I'll never let it happen again.
Son: But I'm younger than you, you can't beat me any way！ Talking FrogA guy is taking a walk and sees a frog on the side of the road. As he comes closer, the frog starts to talk.
"Kiss me and I will turn into a princess." The guy picks the frog up and puts it in his pocket. The frog starts shouting,
"Hey! Didn't you hear me? I'm a Princess. Just kiss me and I will be yours."
The guy takes the frog out of his pocket and smiles at it and puts it back.
The frog is really frustrated. "I don't get it. Why won't you kiss me? I will turn into a beautiful princess and do anything you ask."
The guy says, "Look, I'm a computer geek. I don't have time for girls. But a talking frog is cool.!" A Useful LessonIn England nobody under the age of 18 is allowed to drink in a public bar.
Mr. Thompson used to go to a bar near his house quite often, but he never took his son, Tom, because he was too young. Then when Tom had his eighteenth birthday, Mr. Thompson took him to his usual bar for the first time. They drank for half an hour, and then Mr. Thompson said to his son, "Now, Tom, I want to teach you a useful lesson. You must always be careful not to drink too much. And how you know when you've had enough? Well, I'll tell you. Do you see those two lights at the end of the bar? When they seem to have become four, you've had enough and should go home."
"But , Dad," said Tom, "I can only see one light at the end of the bar". Where is the WinnerCustomer: This lobster's only got one claw.
Waiter: I guess he's been in a fight, sir.
Customer: Well, bring me the winner. How Did You Ever Get Here One winter morning, an employee explained why he had shown up for work 45 minutes late. "It was so slippery out that for every step I took ahead, I slipped back two."
The boss eyed him suspiciously. "Oh, yeah? Then how did you ever get here?"
"I finally gave up," he said, "and started for home."I Drop my Weight From Skipping Mr. Smith was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet."I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost 5 pounds."When Mr. Smith returned, he had lost nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"Mr. Smith nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead by the end of that 3rd day.""From hunger, you mean?" "No, from skipping!" Grant each one a wish Osama Bin Laden, a Canadian, and President Bush were walking down the street when they saw a golden lamp. They rubbed it and a genie came out, said, "I will grant each one a wish that’s 3 together."
The Canadian said, "I am a father and my son will be a farmer so I want the soil in Canada to be forever fertile." The genie said the magic words and the wish came true.
Osama looked amazed so he wished for a wall around Afghanistan, the genie said the magic words and again the wish came true.
President Bush said "Genie, tell me more about this wall," the genie said,”It’s 50 feet thick and 500 feet tall so nothing can get in and nothing can get out."
President Bush said,”Wow! That’s a big bridge...Fill it with water!!! I Drop my Weight From Skipping Mr. Smith was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet."I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost 5 pounds."When Mr. Smith returned, he had lost nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"Mr. Smith nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead by the end of that 3rd day.""From hunger, you mean?" "No, from skipping!" Grant each one a wish Osama Bin Laden, a Canadian, and President Bush were walking down the street when they saw a golden lamp. They rubbed it and a genie came out, said, "I will grant each one a wish that’s 3 together."
The Canadian said, "I am a father and my son will be a farmer so I want the soil in Canada to be forever fertile." The genie said the magic words and the wish came true.
Osama looked amazed so he wished for a wall around Afghanistan, the genie said the magic words and again the wish came true.
President Bush said "Genie, tell me more about this wall," the genie said,”It’s 50 feet thick and 500 feet tall so nothing can get in and nothing can get out."
President Bush said,”Wow! That’s a big bridge...Fill it with water!!! Take Off My Clothes My wife came home the other night and told me to take off her blouse.
Then she told me to take off her skirt.
Then she told me not to wear her clothes anymore. Take Off My Clothes My wife came home the other night and told me to take off her blouse.
Then she told me to take off her skirt.
Then she told me not to wear her clothes anymore. In a murder trial... In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner:
Attorney: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse?
Coroner: No.
Attorney: Did you listen to the heart?
Coroner: No.
Attorney: Did you check for breathing?
Coroner: No.
Attorney: So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?
Coroner: Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess it's possible he could be out there practicing law somewhere. In a murder trial... In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner:
Attorney: Before you signed the death certificate, had you taken the pulse?
Coroner: No.
Attorney: Did you listen to the heart?
Coroner: No.
Attorney: Did you check for breathing?
Coroner: No.
Attorney: So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?
Coroner: Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk. But I guess it's possible he could be out there practicing law somewhere. Perfect Man, Perfect Woman There was a perfect man and a perfect woman. They met each other at a perfect party. They dated for two perfect years. They had the perfect wedding and the perfect honeymoon. They had two perfect children.
One day the perfect man and the perfect woman were driving in there perfect car, they saw an elf by the side of the road, being the perfect people they were they picked him up.
Well as the perfect man and the perfect woman were driving with the elf, somehow they got into an accident. Two people died and one lived.
Who died and who lived?
The perfect woman, because the perfect man and elves aren't real. Pa Won't Like It A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, "Hey Willis, forget your troubles. Come in and visit with us. I'll help you get the wagon up later."
"That's mighty nice of you," Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to."
"Aw come on boy," the farmer insisted.
"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "but Pa won't like it."
After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."
"Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?"
"Under the wagon." Final Confession Brittany was on her deathbed, with her husband Adam at her side.
She kept trying to tell him something, but he kept saying, "Shhhh, don't worry now darling, just rest."
"But honey," she whispered, "I need to make a confession before I die... I slept with your brother, your best friend, and your father."
"Don't worry about it, sweetie," replied Adam as he wiped the tears from Brittany's cheek, "I know. Why do you think I poisoned you?" Love at First Sight A man was eating in a fancy restaurant, and there was a gorgeous woman eating at the next table. He had been checking her out all night, but lacked the nerve to go talk to her. Suddenly she sneezed and her glass eye went flying out of its socket towards the man. With lightning quick reflexes, he caught it in mid-air."Oh my gosh, I am so sorry," she said as she popped her eye back in the socket. "Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you."They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together and afterwards the woman invited him back to her place for a drink. They went back to her house, and after some time, she took him into her bedroom and began undressing him. The couple had wild, passionate sex many times during the night. The next morning when he awoke, she had already gotten up and brought him breakfast in bed.The guy was amazed and said "You know, you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?" "No, she replied. "You just happened to catch my eye!" If I Am a ManagerOne day in class, the teacher assigned his students to write a composition–if I Am a Manager.All the students began to write except a boy. The teacher went to him and asked the reason.“I am waiting for my secretary,”was the boy’s answer. The Popular Mule A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly.At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "Yes" and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head, "No" and mumble a reply. Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.The farmer replied, ''The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would ask, 'You wanna sell that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'" Refrigerator Man A woman goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doctor, you've got to do something about my husband -- he thinks he's a refrigerator!""I wouldn't worry too much about it," the doctor replies. "Lots of people have harmless delusions. It will pass.""But you don't understand," the woman insists. "He sleeps with his mouth open, and the little light keeps me awake." The Day Off From WorkMy husband was enjoying the day off from work and watched me scurry about the house. I picked up his dirty clothes, put away his work shoes, carried out his popcorn bowl from the previous night's football viewing, washed the breakfast dishes, wiped the coffee he'd spilled and ironed his shirts. Seeing a thoughtful look on his lace, I wondered if he was beginning to realize just how much unnecessary work he created for me. Maybe he would offer to help. "A penny for your thoughts," I said.
"I was thinking," he replied, "that one of the things I like best about you is how you always find ways to keep yourself busy." What does DC stand for An American teacher asked one of her pupils, "What's the nation's capital?"
The reply was "Washington DC"
On being asked what the "DC" stood for, the pupils all answered：
"Dot com!" If You Could! An affluent couple gets into an argument over dinner."If you could cook," said the husband, "we could fire the chef.""If you could screw," replied the wife, "we could fire the driver." This is my seat It was a woman's first time on a plane. She boarded the plane and found herself a window seat.
After she settled in, a man came over and insisted that she was in his seat. She ignored him and told him to go away.
"Okay," replied the man. "If that's the way you want it, you fly the plane." Sooner or later A thief with a long record was brought before the judge. Judge: Have you ever stolen things? Thief: Oh, now and then. Judge: And where have you stolen these things? Thief: Oh, here and there. Judge: Right. Lock him up, officer. Thief: Hey, when do I get out jail? Judge: Oh, sooner or later. Our Tails The lecturer on evolution had been going on for nearly two hours. then he started again, and said he:"Let me ask the evolutionist a question --- if we had tails like a baboon, where are they?" "I'll venture an answer, "said an old lady. "We have worn them off sitting here so long.". Roses for My WifeOn the way home one night, I spotted some fresh-cut roses outside a florist's shop. After selecting a dozen and entering the shop, I was greeted by a young saleswoman.
"Are these for your wife, sir?" she asked.
"Yes," I said.
"For her birthday?" she asked.
"No," I replied.
"For your unniversary?"
"No," I said again.
As I pocketed my change and headed toward the door, the young woman called out, "I hope she forgives you." A burglar A man went to the police office wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. "You will get your chance in court." said the Desk Sergeant. "No, no, no." said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years."moron? stupid? One day a college professor of Psychology was greeting his new college class. He stood up in front of the class and said,"Would everyone who thinks he or she is stupid please stand up?" After a minute or so of silence, a young man stood up. "Well, good morning. So, you actually think you're a moron?" the professor asked. The kid replied, "No sir, I just didn't want to see you standing there all by yourself." To Go to Heaven Sunday School teacher: Hands up all those who want to go to Heaven? Hands up ..... what about you, Terry? You haven't got your hand up -- don't you want to go to Heaven?
Terry: I can't. My Mum told me to go straight home. I Always Do Two friends were talking about work, when one asked, "Say, why did the foreman fire you? " Replied the second, "Well, you know how a foreman is always standing around and watch others work. My foreman got jealous. People started thinking I was the foreman." Accountant An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. "Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night." "Have you tried counting sheep? " "That's the problem. I make a mistake and spend three hours trying to find it." A poor poet Poet: I hope you've received the little volume of poems I sent you. Woman: Oh, yes. It's very nice. I wonder where I've put it? Her son: It's under the leg of the table, Mom, to make it steady.