黑执事马戏团篇漫画:一个中国高中毕业生的自白

当我还是小孩子时候，大学毕业生像独角兽般的珍贵，现在他们却像爆米花一样：便宜并且量多。没有什么可惊奇的，想想每年都有百万的新生前赴后继。大家都渴望做一个白领，在中国制造经济下并不是那么容易找到。大学毕业生的就业问题作为社会难题在媒体上已经讨论了至少十年了并且从没有什么改善。

My father is a cleaner at a local paper mill. In his mid-fifties without any professional skills, he works for 50 yuan a day. What can 50 yuan buy?  Two cups of coffee at this not-too-fancy coffee shop in Beijing where I am typing these words. But if you are a college graduate and want to find a job in my hometown, you can expect to start with an even lower salary than my father. Earlier this year when I went back to my home village, my parents told me that a girl in the village had gone mad. Why? She went to college, where she studied English for four years, and the best job she could get was to peel shrimps with coworkers, who finished middle school and were at least four years younger than her.

我的父亲是本地一家造纸厂的清洁工。现在五十多岁的他没有什么专业技术，他每天工作就挣五十元。五十元钱能买什么呢？在北京不太奇特的咖啡店买两杯，也就是我现在打这些文字的地方。但如果你是一个大学毕业生想在我的家乡找份工作，那么你开始的期望薪水可能比我父亲还要低。早些时候我回到我家乡的小村庄，我的父母告诉我村里的一给小姑娘疯了。为什么呢？她去上大学，学了四年的英语，然后她能找到最好的工作是跟她的同事一起剥虾，她同事是一个初中毕业的且比她小四岁。1

So, a college degree, once a coveted holy grail, a glamorous passport to a fulfilled and secure life, has lost its luster, right? So  people are shunning it and pursuing happiness through a different course, right? The fact is that despite the bleak financial prospects and diminishing advantages of being a graduate, the competition to become one has never been any more severe.

因此，一个大学文凭，曾经梦寐以求的那么神圣的东西，一个诱人的通向成功和安稳生活的证件，现在已经失去了它的光彩，对吧？因此人们开始回避它并且追求幸福通过不同的途径，对吧？现在的事实是尽管经济前景暗淡和毕业生的优势在消失，成为大学生的竞争却相当的激烈。

My high school life, which was not so long ago, might give you a small glimpse into the real situation: How too much competition poisons people’s relationships, and how when you feel that the guy sitting beside you is your potential enemy who may rob you of a lifetime of happiness, altruism is not going to be your guide. Students hold to themselves and are reluctant to help others. If you have a math question you cannot crack, you keep it to yourself, because all the students are very proprietary about their learning. To offer your knowledge or even your questions for free is not only time consuming but an aid to  your enemies.

我的高中生活，也就不久之前，可能让你窥视一些现实的状况：太多的竞争毒害着人们的关系，当你觉得坐在你身边的人可能是你潜在的敌人，可能会掠夺你将来一生的幸福时，利他主义怎么会帮助指导你。同学们都尽顾着自己不情愿帮组他人。如果你有数学问题你不能解决，你把它一直留给自己，因为所有的学生都对他们的所学有私人拥有。而免费的讲出你的所学或者你的问题不仅是消磨时间而且会帮助你的敌人。

I have to say that high school is a monastery and an army boot camp combined. Eleven classes every day. We had to rise before dawn and went to bed after 11. After the last class, we were encouraged to use any bit of extra time for study. There was one student who would go to read his lessons every night in the toilet, because that was the only place where the light would be kept on 24 hours. Everyone hated him, because his breach of a delicate equilibrium that is vital for us to live in peace with each other — he studied just a little too hard. The school encouraged us to be frugal with our time. It had a slogan hanging from the main building: “Time is like water in sponge; if you squeeze harder, there is always more.”

我只想说高中就是一座寺院和一个新兵训练营的结合体。每天是十一节课。我们必须早起晚上11点才离开。在最后一节课后，我们都被鼓励抓紧每一点空闲时间学习。有个一学生他每晚会去厕所读书。每个人都讨厌他，因为这破坏了这种微妙的平衡，对我们和平相处至关重要——他学习有些太努力了。学校鼓励我们要节约时间。在我们主大楼挂着一个口号：“时间就像海绵中的水；如果你能更用力挤压，那么久还有更多的说。”

Even though you can always squeeze, even God may need to take a day off every week. For high school students, it was every four weeks. The day was meant for us to go home to pick up some spare clothes and money to sustain us for the next four weeks. But it also offered a rare chance of leisure. One day, think about it, ten hours of freedom, plus undisrupted sleep. How wonderful! I always anticipated the day so much that I kept planning and planning: Going to the bookstore to read the history book that I hadn’t finished? Going to the noodle place in the market to have noodles with lamb soup? When the day eventually came, not a single second passed without causing great anxiety in me like a stingy man counting every penny that he has to shell out.

虽然你能一直挤，但就是老天也需要每周休息一天的。对于高中同学们，只有四个星期有一次。这一天是让我们回家那些衣服和钱来继续维持我们接下来的四个星期。但是它也提供了一丝放松的机会。一天，想一下，十个小时的自由，加上没人打扰的睡觉。多么美妙啊！我总是期盼着这一天，然后不停的计划着计划着：去书店看看我没看完的历史类的书？去市场做面的地方吃碗羊汤面？当这天真的到来时，我开心的过着每一秒就像个吝啬鬼数着花出去的每一分钱。

Teachers are a mixture of army training sergeants and Amway salesmen. The former abuses, the latter promises. A teacher is not only expected to teach, he also needs to motivate. Some male teachers were very good at that, capable of evoking in their subjects the deepest sense of shame that even a Freudian would admire. They did it with verbal ingenuity that a rapper would envy. I remember a teacher once warned us that if we didn’t work hard we would “go and poke a dog’s teeth,” What he meant was that we would end up being tramps or beggars. Now many years have passed but the image of myself with a beggar’s pole trying to fend off a bunch of barking dogs still haunts me.

老师就是军队训练官和安利销售人的结合体。前者虐待我们，后者许诺我们。老师不仅要教人，他也需要去激励人。有些男老师就很擅长这个，能在他们的课程中唤起我们最内心的愧疚之心，甚至是弗洛伊德都会钦佩。他们用犀利的语言让说唱着都会羡慕。我记得一个老师曾警告我们如果我们不努力学习我们将只能“给狗拔牙”，他的意思是我们最终会成为一个流浪者或者乞丐。现在许多年过去了，但是一个情景却一直萦绕脑海，我拿着一个乞丐的棍子努力的赶走一群狂叫的狗。

The first few days of my high school life I was pumped up by a sense of triumphalism and I was a bit stuck up. After all, I had just passed a very difficult exam, I thought. My teacher spotted that dangerous tendency and he talked to me about it. At first he was using metaphorical language, telling me how a full bucket cannot take any more water. When he found out that I was not improving, he called me an ingrate and a mistake of my parents. It was only later that I realized that the teacher didn’t say that only to me. He said it to most students with the exception of the very best and the very worst in the class. The top ones were treated with respect and the worst don’t deserve his time because it won’t make a difference anyway.

我高中生活最初的几天我还是充满了必胜的信念并且自信满满的。毕竟，我觉得我刚通过了一些比较难的考试。我的老师看出了危险的倾向然后他跟我谈了谈。开始他说话比较隐晦委婉，告诉我满的水桶不能再装更多的水。但他发现我没有改进，他把我说成忘恩负义之人并且是我父母的一个错误。后来我才意识到老师不仅仅是对我说那些。他说给大多数学生，除了班里最好的和最差的学生。最好的学生会受到尊重写而最差的就不值得他浪费时间管因为那不会有什么区别的。

It was not only the students dealing with a lot of stress, but the teachers as well. A teacher’s salary was correlated by how many of the students that they were responsible for went to university. Even the school principal would be evaluated on such statistics. At my junior year, a girl committed suicide. Not a big surprise. There are always weak ones who just can’t make it. That is how natural selection works. The cause of the suicide was that the girl’s head teacher asked her to forgo the college entrance exam. Not that he hated her personally. He simply talked to all the students who were deemed hopeless and would only dilute the average results of the class. The girl refused. The teacher told the girl something that must have been very humiliating, and she drowned herself in the sea that afternoon.

不仅学生面对很多压力，老师也是一样的。老师们的薪水和他们所负责的学生能上大学的人数相关。即使是学校的校长也会由于这些好的数据得到提升。在我一年级时候，一个女孩自杀了。没什么吃惊的，总有些较差的不能达到目标的。这就是自然选择工作的方式。自杀的原因是女孩的班主任让她放弃参加大学入学考试。并不是他个人讨厌她。他只是和班里所有认为没有希望的学生说了，他们可能会减弱班里的平均成绩。女孩拒绝了。老师告诉了她一些肯定很丢脸的事情，然后她就在那天中午跳海溺死了。1

Three years of running this strenuous marathon. The inevitable climax was more of an anticlimax. The test didn’t turn out to be as I had imagined it – a grand battle. I had been seeing myself on stage, with a war bugle blowing and bullets whizzing by and here I was, a soldier crouching in his trench and ready for a bayonet charge, to take my fate by its throat. The reality was much duller though. A room packed with 40 students huddling in front of their small desks, under the scrutiny of a surveillance cam and two chatty supervisors. We were no warriors but prisoners. If we were fighting for anything, it was just for our own survival.

紧张的马拉松式长跑的三年。必将来的高潮时刻更多的却是失落。考试没有像我想象的那样——宏伟的战斗。我看到自己这样一幕，军号响起，子弹耳旁飞过，我就在那里，一个士兵蜷伏在战壕中并准备用刺刀冲锋，来掌握我的命运之喉。然而现实却更枯燥。一个屋子40个学生在他们的小桌子上缩成一团，在摄像头的监视之下，两个监考官闲聊着。我们不是战士而是囚犯而已。如果我们是在为任何东西战斗，我想那就是我们的生存吧。

During the few days prior to the exam, some interesting changes took place. My head teacher seemed to have a personality transplant. He appeared to be a different person. He was now such a nice guy that I barely recognized him. In our final class, he gave us his goodbye speech. He told us how pleasant it had been working with us for the past three years, that he had been proud of us and would never forget us. I had been thinking the exact opposite – that we were the worst class he had ever taught and that he had always hated us — particularly me, the sullen mean type who just won’t cooperate — and wanted to wipe us from from his memory as soon as we are gone.

考试前的一些日子，发生了一些有趣的变化。我的班主任好像做了人格移植。他看去像另一个人。他现在是如此好的一个人以至于我都认不出来他了。在我们最后一节课，他做了告别演讲。他告诉我们他很开心和我们一起工作了三年，他因我们而自豪并且不会忘记我们。我想这完全反了——我们是他曾教过的最差的班并且他很讨厌我们——特别是我，较差又沉闷并从不配合的类型——并且希望我们一离开就立刻从他的记忆中忘记我们。

He proceeded with his emotion-charged speech. “If I ever hurt any of you, it was not my intention. As a teacher , I always had my students’ best interests in mind.” Some girls were moved to cry. “One day as a teacher, a life as a father,” he quoted an ancient saying, which gave me a feeling of embarrassment for the hypocrisy.

他继续着那充满感情演讲。“如果我曾伤害到你们中的哪个人，我想说我不是有意的。作为老师，我总是时刻记住我同学的最大利益。”一些女生感动地哭了。“一日为师终生为父。”他引用古人的言语，这让我对这个伪君子有一种很尴尬的感觉。

All theatrics aside, the message was clear to me: “I know I abused you but I don’t want to be hated. Now, as you are about to leave, there is no point for me to be harsh any more. What can be done can’t be undone, and it is all the past, so let’s move on and forget it and be friendly to each other.”

除去所有的演戏部分，我清楚地知道这信息是；“我知道我虐待了你们但是我不希望你们恨我。现在，你们即将离开，我的严厉也不再有什么意义了。可以做的没有做的，所有的都过去了，因此让我们继续往前忘掉它并且友好的相处。”

“I love you.” was the signal for the end of the speech, a rather clichéd wrap-up. “We love you too.” The students yelled back. Liars!

“我爱你们。”这是演讲的结束语，一个相当俗套的结语。“我们也爱你”同学们都呼喊道。骗子们！

But a ritual like this worked. Reconciliation was achieved. Damages were forgiven. Grudges healed. Even I, the most foolhardy, unrelenting hater, felt that it might not be fair to blame the guy for his offensive remarks about me. He was, after all, doing his job.

但是这样的仪式还是有效的。到达了和解的效果。忘记了伤害。治愈了怨恨。即使是我，最莽撞的，无情的仇恨者，感到为他那些严厉的批评而责怪他可能有些不公平。毕竟他是在做他的工作。

The morning before the exam started, I walked through a crowd of students’ parents. They were anxious and gazing expectantly at their children, praying that they would ace the test. My dad was there too. He brought me a can of Red Bull.

考试那天的早晨，我走过拥挤的学生家长群。他们都很焦急并且期盼的凝视着他们的孩子，祈祷他们考出好成绩。我的父亲亦是如此。他给我买了罐红牛。

“Son, don’t be nervous.” My dad passed me the can.

“儿子，别太紧张了。”我的父亲递过那个罐子。

How can I not be nervous seeing you wimpy like that? I was thinking, gulping down the liquid.

看到你如此虚弱我怎能不紧张？我想着同时猛地喝下了那些。2

“Your teacher said you are good. He said you have no problem.”

“我的老师说你很好，他说你没有问题的。”1

My teacher? My teacher doesn’t care about me at all. All he cares about is statistics.

我的老师？我的老师一点都不关心我。他所关心也就是那些数据。

“We can try again next year if you fail.”

“如果不行我们明年可以再试试啊。”

But next year. How many next years I am going to have?

但是明年。我会有多少个明年呢？

But I just said bye to my dad, throwing the tin can as far as I could, and strode into the exam room, ready to take my destiny by the throat, or, be taken by my throat.

然而我只是跟爸爸告别，把罐子能丢多远丢多远，然后大步迈入考试教室，准备决定自己的抓住命运之喉，或者我的喉。

The three days of examinations proceeded without incident, except occasionally the kid in front of me snuck a look or two at my exam sheet and the teachers there pretended not to see it at all, or they were too involved in their chat. But how can I let my three years of hard work be stolen by this sneaky bastard? I stared back at him with my hard, venomous eyes, covering my sheet up. The thief turned his head back.

三天的考试进展得很顺利没有什么意外，除了偶然我前面的小孩突然回头看了我卷子两眼，监考老师假装没看见，或者他们太投入他们的交谈了。但是我怎么能让我三年的努力学习被这个卑鄙的杂种给窃取？我用我冷酷的怨恨的眼神看着他，把我的卷子盖了起来。那个“贼”也就回了过去。

Then everything was over. I walked out of the room feeling like an abandoned condom, used and hollow. Exhausted too. All I wanted to do was to catch up on all the sleep that I had missed over the past three years. It was not only because I was so sleepy, I wanted to sleep away the horrible three years, to forget them like a bad dream. When I woke up again, I hoped that I would find myself a fresh person with a new life.

然后一切都结束了。我走出教室感觉像是被丢弃的安全套，使用过后空空的。同时精疲力尽。所有我想做的只是补回我三年所错过的睡眠。不仅仅是我很困，我想睡过这恐怖的三年时间，能让我像做了个噩梦般忘记他们。当我再次醒来，我希望我发现我已经洗心革面开始了新的生活。

A month later, I got the admission letter from a university, my family was exhilarated. But I was only relieved to have my burden removed, if only temporarily. I knew intuitively that university would by no means be as wonderful as the teacher depicted to me. Compared with three years ago, I was now older and in no small measure, wiser.

一个月后，我收到了大学的录取通知书，我的父亲很兴奋。但是我仅仅感觉如释重负，好像仅仅也是临时的。我凭着直觉知道大学绝对不会像老师给我描绘的那样美好。和三年前相比，我现在更成熟并且很大程度是更聪明了。

My feeling was vindicated; university life was but another cycle. We would go through another round of anxiety, angst, boredom and disillusion, only with different tokens for goals: then it was about passing the exam and going to university, now it was about becoming a Party member and finding a girlfriend and getting a job.

经验证我的直觉是正确的；大学的生活只不过是另一个圈子。我们将经历另一番的焦虑，担心，厌倦和醒悟，仅仅是不同的目标表示：那时是通过考试然后进大学。现在是成为一名共产党员并且找到一个女朋友和工作。2