陌上春乔簌簌全文免费:北京外国语大学著名教授熊德先生为你亲改英语作文

北京外国语大学著名教授熊德先生为你亲改英语作文

【作者简介】熊德　北京外国语大学

    　　一位有奖征文参赛者的原文
    After graduating from a Master's degree,(2)I favorably(3)found a satisfactory job,and then fell in love with an angel,then engagement and marriage ceremony.Finally,I have a pretty son.All these things seem to be undoubtedly logical.(4)
    (5)My father abandoned a comfortable life at hometown,and transferred his ambition(6)and enthusiasm onto his son,says exactly,his grandson.However,during the past decades,he was a diligent and conscientious engineer who devoted himself to a large-scale state-owned enterprise.
    Last autumn,he retired with honour,as maple-leaves go with the wind.Old age creeps upon one unawares.
    Scarcely,(7)I would forwardly(8)communicate with him over common concerned topics,such as world politics,science development,etc.says nothing of my spirit and soul.In some aspects,we cannot comprehend each other.Perhaps,generation gap is partly to blame.Although in any case,I have lived up to the expectation of my father.(9)
    Time is a magus.(10)It changed me soundlessly,from a naughty,boy to an industrious father.I don't like the rush and noisy of modem life,but now,I have to support my family as a provider.Previously,it's self-confessed that I was hot-tempered and arrogant.When I met with much frustration,I was used to complaining(11)of something.On the contrary,my father never blamed god and any others.(12)His bravery and wisdom lightened my heart and inspired me with hope and confidence to overcome defeats.(13)
    Gradually,my son learned to crawl,clap his hands,and walk haltingly.Whatever happens outside my cozy family,the unhappy mood would clear up fleetly,(14)especially when the baby smiling to you.I often argue with my wife about whether its eyes like me or not,and various dreams including what we have never achieved.
    Sometimes,I ponder over what my father had done when I was in my childhood.But,throughout my baby-feeding process,(15)I understand him much more than ever last years.Father and I,we both do the same thing.The greatest thing in our life!
    The only difference is time.I know.Though time flies like a golden arrow.
    Gazing at my father's receding figure with his back bent,I suddenly realized that life is not a faint candle,lonely flickering in the dark world,but a raging flaming of torch.It must be well preserved and carried forward,and then handed over to the next generation.(16)
    　　经熊教授修改后的文章
    After finishing my studies with a Master's degree,I had the good fortune to find a good job.My good fortune continued when I met and fell in love with an angel.Engagement and marriage ceremony soon followed and in due course I was blessed with a lovely son.All these things seemed so natural and I took them for granted.
    My father had been an engineer who had devoted all his time and energy working for a large-scale state-owned enterprise.We seldom had time to communicate with each other except on common topics like world politics and scientific advances,let alone having heart to heart talks.In some aspects,we lacked mutual understanding.Perhaps generation gap was partly to blame.But things changed when he honorably retired after a lifetime of conscientious and diligent work.Old age had crept upon him unawares.He gave up a comfortable and carefree life in our old hometown to move in with us to devote his whole attention to his son,or to be more exact,to his grandson.
    I had always been a hot-tempered and arrogant young man dissatisfied with the noise and rush of modern life.But also almost unawares,time has changed me from an irresponsible devil-maycare young man to a hard-working breadwinner of file family.It was the process of bringing up the baby that was responsible for the change in me.Watching him learning to crawl,to clap his hands,to toddle along unsteadily brought me infinite joy.All my troubles,all my worries would vanish immediately at the mere sight of him.Inevitably my wife and I would often squabble over trifles.Sometimes we would quarrel over questions like whether his eyes were like hers or mine,or our different dreams that were realized or not realized.But as soon as we see our darling smiling to us,nothing else seem to matter.
    Life with my father was also responsible for this great change in me.Unlike me,he was eventempered and never complaining.He always faced life with bravery and wisdom,and never blamed god or any man for his misfortunes.His example greatly inspired me to face life with hope and confidence.Sometimes I ponder over how he had behaved when I was a baby and he was bringing me up.Time flies like a golden arrow,and now gazing at his bent figure,I've come to realize that both father and I are doing the same thing-the greatest thing in life!We are both carrying the raging flaming torch of life,which must be preserved and handed down from generation to generation.
    　　总评：
    文章读起来似乎很简单，但其实它含有较深刻的哲理，可惜作者没有更详细地发挥这个主题思想。文字方面，总的来说是比较好的，显示了一定的功底，但有的地方用词不够恰当。最主要的毛病是在文章的组织方面，思维表现得不够清楚，重点不够突出，所以做了一些必要的改动。具体修改如下：
    (1)副题应该去掉。文章的重点并不是谈他和他父亲的关系，更没有谈这关系如何改变了他的生活。
    (2)你只能从一个学校毕业，不能从一个学位毕业，只能说graduated with a Master's degree。
    (3)用词不当。作者将favorable和fortunate搞混了。
    (4)又是用词不当。这里用natural要比用logical更为恰当。
    (5)第二段和第三段思维不够清楚，所以重新做了较大的调整。
    (6)一个人对自己的儿孙不可能会有ambition，只对自己的事业才会有ambition。
    (7)这里用scarcely不只是不妥，而是根本不通。
    (8)forwardly在这里也用得莫名其妙。
    (9)这句虽然找不出什么大毛病，但在这里有点out of place，正在谈和父亲沟通有问题，不能突然又说满足了父亲对他的期望。这段开始时好像是说父亲退休后的情况，而事实上作者是指总的情况。
    (10)这是一个带有宗教色彩的字，是指魔术家或给你带来礼物的人。文中是指时间。这字很少用，这里用得很不恰当，所以应该去掉。
    (11)已经说了自己脾气暴躁，现在又说自己经常发牢骚，事实上脾气暴躁要比发牢骚严重多了，所以后面的话等于没有说。
    (12)这样说是把上帝和人等同成同类。
    (13)overcome后面只能跟difficulties，不能跟defeats。
    (14)fleet作“快”的用法太古老。
    (15)baby-feeding period是指母亲哺乳期。
    (16)这样说只是传给下一代，而作者要说的是代代相传。^