MBA Application Essay—Before

Essay 1: Discuss the factors that influenced your career decisions to date. Also discuss your career plans and why you want to obtain an MBA.

Since I was four years old, my father has left my mother and I for Indonesia to start his textile company. He has come back to Singapore once for a year. In order to enhance our relationship, we used to talk over the phone. As early as when I was Grade 8, I possessed my first computer for the main purpose of sending electronic mail to my father. From that time, using the Internet has captured most of my spare time. In the summer of 1992, I had a valuable chance of volunteering in the library to assist people using computers to look for the books or to get access on the Internet. At the same time, my fathers business had been suffering from keen competition and out-dated machines for two years. He then started to automate the production line by investing in new innovated technologies, and hiring some technicians. When I visited him, the new automated production line and the whole computerized firm amused me, because this was the system that rescued my fathers business. Since then, my interest in information technology has been ever growing. After I came to Canada, I even use electronic mail and ICQ to communicate with my parent, and choose MIS as my core course. I found that IT is so powerful that it not only helps companies become more competitive, but also bridges people ocean apart. This arouses my desire to work in IT industry.

Second, self-satisfaction also affects my career decision. Although monetary reward is practically important in reality, opportunity to learn and job prospect are even more crucial factors for me to be really happy and satisfied. I like learning new skills and acquiring up-dated information, because they can help me adapt the fast-changing world, enrich my experiences, explore my interest, and give me higher self-esteem as I am a valuable person. In addition, a job with a bright prospect gives me incentives to improve myself. Thus, as I become more experienced and knowledgeable, I can pursue a higher level of career and help others. This is my true happiness. For instance, I am now volunteering in an on campus organization, Job Web, in which I am responsible for posting jobs on the World Wide Web, answering questions and making information handouts. I am interested in this job because I can learn how to use a software program, can improve my interpersonal skills by answering students questions, and can enrich my research experience. These skills are valuable because I can use them in future. I can feel myself to become more productive and knowledgeable.

In short run, after graduating from the Master degree, I will work in an IT related industry, either in a consulting firm or financial institution, as a system analyst or a consultant. Moreover, in my private time, I will attend a computer-programming course in order to continuously update myself and become more competitive. In long run, when I have gathered enough managerial and analysis skills and experiences, I plan to have my own consulting company.

Therefore, attending a Master Science program definitely can smooth my path to pursue my goal. The program can deepen expertise and broaden my perspectives. Moreover, the MIS option can help me to specialize my skills in IT areas that I have not yet learned from my undergraduate degree. Since I have been in UT for four years, I am familiar with and have confidence in the faculty professors whom I believe can help me become an IT professional.

Essay 2: Describe two events in your life to date that demonstrate your ability to do well in business.

Without this disease, I might not have been initiative and willing to face challenges. Without the chance of being a Special Event Director, I might not learn what the leadership skill was.

During my six years in primary school (Grade 1 to Grade 6), most of my classmates always kept distance from me and called me "alien" and I was very lonely. The reason is that I had a severe Dermatitis since I was born. My arms and legs were full of ulcers, sores, bandages and scars. I always felt itchy and painful, and I dared not play with others. Moreover, my hairs had never been longer that two inches and I must have to wear T-shirts and shorts in summer in order to keep my skin dry and from getting infection. Some dermatologists even said that I was hardly fully recovered. However, my parents and relatives had not been given me up, and they always encouraged me and gave me unconditional tenders. Therefore, I had a belief that I would be recovered one day, and thus I was eager to take any challenges of trying different kinds of medication, including Western and Chinese Herbals. Although my life in the primary school was only full of pain and lonesome, I learned to be brave and to face any challenges positively. Fortunately, during the summer vacation after graduating from the primary school, my power of resistance gradually became stronger and my disease got greatly improved. I only had some ulcers on my legs although my body was still full of scars. Since then, I realized that I should change my long-lasting lonely life and should not waste my precious secondary school life. Thus, since in Grade 7, I actively talked to my classmates and helped them. I also took part in many various extracurricular activities, such as VolleyBall Team, Girl Guide and Art Club. Nevertheless, one thing I still have not changed is my attitude toward risk. During every examination and competition, I told myself that I was able to do the best because nothing was tougher than the time when I was in the primary school. Before I came to Canada, I was fully recovered and earned a lot of friends. Although I had been suffered a lot from my disease, I have learned a precious lesson that I should have confidence, initiative and not afraid of failure.

When I was in the ESL program in the college in Canada, I joined the Culture Club as a Special Event Director responsible for managing a group of six members in designing and organizing various functions. Since I was in the highest level of ESL program than all of the other members, I had a tendency to think that I was the most capable. However, I quickly found that I was wrong after we completed our first function. In preparing the Singing Competition, I followed up my members tasks very strictly and did not accept their idea very often. This turned out that I finished most of the jobs by myself and my members only assisted me in the minor tasks. The outcome was that we only had four days to promote our activity, only ten people joined the competition and the function room was not fully decorated yet. I was very depressed, and when I talked to my Clubs supervisor, she just said, "I assigned you as the director because I trust you." I was shocked. Why didnt I trust my members? They were weak in language, but this did not mean that they did not have other talents. After this lesson, I started to let my members to choose the task that they were interested in and let them finish by themselves. We also expressed our ideas freely during the meetings and voted for the best. I found that not only the preparation procedure had become smooth, but also the atmosphere among us had greatly improved. We were happier and eager to devote much more time together. Most importantly, we became friends. I was proud to have opportunity to learn what a real leadership skills was and I believe that this skill will become my asset for my future career.

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MBA Application Essay—After

MBA Application Essay—After

Edited Essay

Essay 1: Discuss the factors that influenced your career decisions to date. Also discuss your career plans and why you want to obtain an MBA.

Early in my childhood, the Internet became more than just a luxury--it became a necessity. My father moved from Singapore to Indonesia to start a textile company when I was four years old, leaving me alone with my mother. To alleviate the pressures of separation, I developed the computer skills needed for electronic communication and was able to remain in close contact with my father. This experience solidified my interest in information technology and exposed me to the enormous potential of this developing field.

In the summer of 1992, I exploited my knowledge of IT to help those in my community. I volunteered at a local library, helping people with computer and Internet-related questions. Also at that time, my fathers business had launched many technological changes that led to the automation of its production line. These improvements had saved his company from bankruptcy. Visiting him and seeing how the new system had increased his profits heightened my interest in IT. I now live in Canada, where computers continue to play a large role in my daily affairs. I use electronic mail and Internet chats to communicate with both parents, and have chosen management information systems as my course of study. Information technology fascinates me not only because it makes companies more competitive, but also because it can bridge great distances to bring people together. I have much respect for and interest in the IT industry.

Personal satisfaction also plays a key role in my career decision. While monetary rewards are of practical importance, true job satisfaction springs from the opportunity to grow and learn within an industry. I enjoy acquiring new skills and information, which help me to adapt to the fast-changing world, as well as pique my interest in innovation. In addition, a career with open prospects would give me constant incentive to improve myself and to gain more knowledge. I currently volunteer for an on-campus organization, Job Web, in which I am responsible for posting employment opportunities on the World Wide Web, answering questions and preparing informative handouts. This position has broadened my computing abilities and has improved my interpersonal skills, which are crucial to any business endeavor. I enjoy the sense of productivity and usefulness I gain from the work, and feel it is a valuable experience for future employment.

Given the confluence of my personal and professional interests, my goal is to obtain a masters degree and then to work in an IT-related industry, either with a consulting firm or as a systems analyst with a financial institution. In addition to this, I plan to use my private time to attend computer programming courses in order to maintain a competitive knowledge of technology. When I have gathered enough experience and skills, I plan to launch a consulting company of my own.

Attending a Masters of Science program will smooth the path to these goals. Such a program will deepen my expertise and broaden my perspectives. Moreover, the MIS option will help me to hone my skills in IT areas that I have not yet encountered. As I have attended the University of Toronto for four years, I am familiar with and have confidence in the faculty professors whom I believe can help me become an IT professional.

Essay 2: Describe two events in your life to date that demonstrate your ability to do well in business.

My classmates called me "the alien," and they avoided me like the plague. As a young boy, I suffered from severe dermatitis, which filled my limbs with ulcers and scars. The true pain of my condition, however, was social; I was alienated from my classmates and lived a life of loneliness and isolation. Doctors predicted that I would never fully recover, but my parents refused to accept this. They encouraged me to hope for the future, teaching me that any obstacle could be overcome. I therefore took an active role in my health, trying many medications and herbs.

Approaching my loneliness with bravery, I came to view it as a challenge to be overcome. The summer after I graduated from primary school, my disease improved dramatically. Although my body remained riddled with scars, the ulcers vanished. The self-confidence I regained was profound; I realized that my personal will had led to this improvement. I began to seek out friendships at school, and I took part in activities like volleyball, Girl Guide, and Art Club. Through it all, my attitude toward challenges remained the same. In every examination or competition, I told myself that I could easily excel since nothing could be more difficult than what I had already overcome. By the time I moved to Canada, I had fully recovered both socially and physically. Moreover, I had learned to be confident and never to fear failure. This credo echoes through my personal life and gives me the inner resolve to succeed at any endeavor, including my professional pursuits.

Like my personal battle with dermatitis, I learned a great deal about leadership by overcoming adversity. While enrolled in an ESL program in Canada, I joined the Culture Club as a Special Event Director. I managed a group of six individuals in organizing various functions. I was the most advanced ESL student among the group, and I therefore assumed myself to be the most capable. I quickly learned my mistake. While preparing our first function, I was strict with my team members and often rejected their ideas in favor of my own. I performed most of their tasks myself, allowing them to assist me only in minor details. As a result, the function was not very successful. Few people attended, and we had problems with decorations and presentation. The setback disheartened me, and I spoke of it to the clubs supervisor. She responded that she trusted my ability to succeed in the future. This comment filled me with surprise, for I realized that I had never trusted my own team members. Although they were weak in English, they had many valuable talents. I immediately changed my policy, allowing team members to choose the tasks they desired and to complete them on their own.

Meetings evolved into group brainstorming sessions, which yielded many good ideas. Most importantly, the atmosphere among us improved dramatically. We were happier and more eager to devote time to the program. I learned what true leadership is, and the experience undoubtedly improved my ability to handle challenging business situations.

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Critique

Click Here for the Edited Version.

Dear John,

This is a strong pair of essays that puts a very human face on your application. You come across as an engaging and likeable IT professional, and the details you provide about your personal life are both interesting and informative.

However, there were ways in which these essays could be improved.

The major problem I noticed with these essays was the length of your paragraphs. It is necessary to break your discussions into easily digestible segments so that the reader is not overwhelmed by the breadth of your observations. I have substantially reworked the structure of these essays to make them more accessible to the reader.

Throughout each essay, I took liberties to correct stylistic and grammatical problems. My changes largely took the form of making sentence transitions smoother and more compelling, varying sentence structure to keep the reader interested, and pruning unnecessary words to increase sentence comprehension and coherence. I consciously tried to leave your own voice and ideas intact.

Here are my specific notes on each original paragraph of the text:

Essay One
Paragraph 1

The first few sentences of your original draft seemed too self-pitying. It is essential to begin your essay with something that captures the readers interest. I have provided a new introduction that illustrates the unique role that the Internet played in your family dynamic.

In addition, it is useful to separate the introduction proper from the rest of the first paragraph. I have provided a strong transition that illustrates the relevance of your volunteer IT experience.

Finally, the new second paragraph that I have adapted from your original text incorporates extensive sentence-level adjustments to improve your diction.

"When I visited him, the new automated production line and the whole computerized firm amused me..."

It is best to omit this detail since it suggests that you failed to appreciate the difficulty of your fathers work. See the alternative treatment of this idea I have proposed in the revised essay.

Paragraph 2

I provided a stronger transition to this sentence, which encapsulates your main motivation for pursuing a career in IT. Your original paragraph was a bit too general, so I anchored your assertions in concrete fact to make them more compelling.

"Although monetary reward is practically important in reality..."

This is redundant. I suggest the following: "While monetary rewards are of practical importance..."

"I like learning new skills and acquiring up-dated information, because they can help me adapt the fast-changing world, enrich my experiences, explore my interest, and give me higher self-esteem as I am a valuable person."

This is too effusive. I have provided a shorter version of this idea below.

Paragraph 3

I have improved the diction of this paragraph to make it more compelling.

"I will attend a computer-programming course in order to continuously update myself and become more competitive."

This construction is slightly awkward. You can rephrase this idea as follows: "I plan to use my private time to attend computer programming courses in order to maintain a competitive knowledge of technology."

Paragraph 4

I have adjusted the tone of this paragraph to use a more confident voice. For instance, I replaced the phrase, "the program can deepen expertise," with, "such a program will deepen my expertise." This adjustment is subtle, but it makes a big difference.

Essay 2
Paragraph 1

Your original introduction failed to introduce your subject to the reader in an adequate fashion or to engage his attention. Rather than summarizing your arguments in an essay this short, it is better to provide a "hook" that draws your reader into the piece. See my suggestion in the text.

Paragraph 2

This paragraph was too wordy, and many of your arguments were redundant. I have streamlined your discussion to make it more direct, and I have separated this paragraph into two parts to make it more readable.

In addition, it was necessary to reduce the graphic description of your physical ailment. It is better to focus on how you overcame adversity rather than to dwell on how you suffered as a child.

"...full of ulcers, sores, bandages and scars. I always felt itchy and painful, and I dared not play with others. Moreover, my hairs had never been longer that two inches..."

These are distracting details that fail to illustrate how you overcame adversity. I suggest reducing these descriptions to a minimum.

"During every examination and competition, I told myself that I was able to do the best because nothing was tougher than the time when I was in the primary school."

This is a very powerful argument that does a great job of illustrating your resolve. I have highlighted and expanded upon this idea in the revised essay.

Paragraph 3

This paragraph is also best divided into two separate parts. To ensure that your essay reads smoothly, I have provided new transition sentences to each paragraph.

"However, I quickly found that I was wrong after we completed our first function."

This is a good place to vary sentence length for dramatic effect. I propose the following: "I quickly learned my mistake."

"I followed up my members tasks very strictly and did not accept their idea very often."

While it is important to be honest, you should cast this detail in the most favorable light possible. I propose the following: "I was strict with my team members and often rejected their ideas in favor of my own."

With all the changes I have proposed, you will have to use your judgment and accept only those which you think are best.

Overall, these essays now do a very good job of putting a human face on your application. I wish you the best of luck in the application process