谢朝阳书法:闷骚+毒舌，世界第一傲娇大人，有点冷，有点H，有点没品，有点重口味——英式笑话

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1　 　I read a story in the newspaper the other day about a Father who paid his daughter for sex. I was absolutely disgusted.
　　
　　What kind of daughter charges her own father?
　　
　　那天我看报纸说，有个老爸给闺女钱嘿咻，真是太恶心了~
　　
　　怎么会有女儿还收老爸钱的？

2　　A girl on a bus said she would suck me off for £5. When she finished, she wiped her mouth and lit a fag. I thought, "What is the world coming to? I mean who sells cigarettes to a 12-year-old?"
　　
　　公交车上有个女孩收了我5镑，给我。。
　　搞定后，她抹抹嘴点了根儿烟
　　
　　我愤慨了，世界都变成什么样子了！12岁的女孩有人卖烟给她！

3       I hope North and South Korea cause a world war so I don't have to go in college tomorrow..
　　
　　Either that or it snows.
　　
　　我希望南北韩开火，世界大战爆发。
　　
　　这样我明天就不用上学了~
　　
　　要么下场雪也行~

4　A South Korean family go into a Disneyland restaurant.
　　
　　Dad looks at the menu and says "The 101 Dalmatians please"
　　
　　一家韩国人走进了迪斯尼餐厅。
　　
　　阿爸看了看菜单说，给我们来份“101 斑点狗”。

（英国人貌似最爱吐槽棒子吃狗肉这件事……）

 5     I think Ji Sung Park is a very naturally talented football player
　　
　　He can play while he is still asleep
　　
　　朴智星是个天~才的足球选手！
　　
　　他睡着的时候都能踢球！
     （海涛你不是一个人……）

6My wife asked me how I could love her and still enjoy watching porn.
　　
　　I told her, I love my car but I still watch Formula 1 too.
　　
　　She was happy with this analogy
　　
　　I just never mentioned I also go to Hertz for the occasional rental.
　　
　　我老婆问我，为什么我可以爱着她的同时看毛片儿？
　　
　　我回答，我爱我的车，也爱看F1 方程式呀~
　　
　　她很喜这个类比。
　　
　　只不过我没告诉她我偶尔也去Hertz租车行借个一两辆玩玩儿。

7　A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.
　　
　　The librarian says; "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."
　　
　　一个人走进图书馆，要借一本自杀指南。
　　
　　图书管理员说，滚远！！！你肯定不还了。

8　　A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.
　　
　　Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age."
　　
　　"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her fucking appendix out!"
　　
　　八岁的张宁被一个阿姨带到他家去找他妈告状：
　　
　　“你儿子今天和我八岁大的女儿在玩医生护士的游戏，被我抓了个现行！”
　　
　　张妈当时就内涵了，说，对孩子别那么严厉嘛，这个年纪肯定开始对性好奇了对吧。
　　
　　“好奇你个辣椒啊，他把我闺女阑尾割了！”

9If North Korea and South Korea go to war, how the fuck are we going to know who's won?
　　　　

　要是南北朝鲜打起来了，我他妹的要怎么知道谁赢了啊？！

(另外还爱吐槽亚洲人长得一摸一样傻傻的分不清)

10　So here I am in the Internet Cafe with the biggest fucking nigger I've ever seen reading every word I ty
　　　　
　　　　我现在在网吧。旁边是一个我见过最魁的傻B黑鬼，正在一个字一个字看我写什么

11　　My girlfriend and I went to stay with her parents at the weekend, but her dad wouldn't let us sleep together.
　　
　　Which is a shame, because I really fancy him.
　　
　　我和女朋友上周末去她家小住，但是她爸不让我们睡在一块儿。
　　
　　太可惜了，我是真的喜欢他的。

　12　I recently came out to my best friend and told him I was gay.
　　He turned his back on me... That was his first mistake.
　　
　　我最近向我最好的朋友出柜了。
　　
　　我告诉他我是个gay
　　
　　他冷冷的转过身背对着我
　　
　　这是他犯下的第一个错误。
（腐女捂脸）

13　　i hate some of the excuses women come up with for not having sex. Like:
　　"I'm on my period".
　　"I've got a headache"
　　or
　　"Get your hands off my neck I don't even know you".
　　
　　那些找借口不和我嘿咻的女人最讨厌了
　　
　　比如：我大姨妈来啦~ 我头疼呀~
　　
　　或者
　　
　　别掐我脖子呀，我都不认识你！

14　　When Barack Obama was giving his speech after being elected as president, he had to do it behind three inch thick bullet-proof glass.
　　I thought that was a bit harsh - just because he's black doesn't mean he's going to shoot anyone.
　　
　　奥巴马发表就职演说的时候，是站在3英寸厚的防弹玻璃后面的。
　　
　　我觉得这有点过了
　　
　　他是黑人又不表示他会开枪打人。
（这个我笑了）

 15    这个不厚道男人就是爱这种笑话，唉。。。
　　
　　Japan news: Global penis length average grows as death toll rises.
　　
　　日本新闻：随着死亡人数增长，全球JJ平均长度也有所增加。
　　
　　=================我是表示我觉得这种笑话挺坏的分界线==================

16　　BBC News: 'Plus size women worth £10bn to the fashion industry'
　　
　　Nothing compared to what they're worth to the food industry...
　　
　　BBC 新闻：大尺码女性每年为时尚业贡献100亿英镑。
　　
　　这比起她们对食品业的贡献都是个毛毛。

17　　BBC News : "Gaddafi 'Not Targeted' By US Strikes"
　　
　　So we can safely assume that he'll be dead within days.
　　
　　BBC 新闻： 卡扎菲不是美国的袭击目标。
　　
　　所以我们可以基本判断他活不过这几天了。
（所以大家不要再吐槽CCTV的专家了嘛~）

18　I was raping a woman the other night and she cried, "Please, think of my children!"
　　
　　Kinky bitch.
　　
　　那晚我强奸一个女人的时候，她哭喊
　　
　　“求你了，想想我的孩子”
　　
　　这个婊子变态的啊~

19　　"I'm a 14-year-old girl looking for a 45-55 year old man for online webcam fun. Email me: operationlolita@metpolice.uk"
　　
　　我是个14岁的美少女，求44-55岁成熟男士在线视频~
　　
　　发邮件给我哦~
　　
　　shaonvmaiyinxingdong@renmingongan.cn
（这个翻译的好精准）

20　Had a blind date last night.
　　She looked like something I'd draw with my left hand.....
　　
　　昨天晚上去相亲。
　　
　　那姑娘长的呀，就像我用左手画出来的似的。
（太损了）

　21　My girlfriend claims that her last boyfriend was a better kisser than me.
　　
　　I have to admit, he is pretty good.
　　
　　我女朋友说她前男友比我接吻技巧高多了。
　　
　　我得承认，他确实很棒

22　A voluptuous girl at work came up to me and said, "What does a girl have to do to get a shag around here?"
　　
　　I naturally replied, "How would I know? I'm a bloke."
　　
　　
　　Weird question...
　　
　　一个妖娆的女同事走过来问我
　　
　　一个女孩要怎么样才能找个人打一炮呢？
　　
　　我不假思索的回答
　　
　　我怎么知道，我是条汉子
　　
　　问的也太怪了吧。

23　　A young boy comes home from school one day and says, "Mummy, mummy! What's a lesbian?"
　　
　　She replied, "Ask your father when she gets home!"
　　
　　一个小孩放学回来就问
　　
　　“妈妈，妈妈！什么是拉拉？”
　　
　　妈妈回答说
　　
　　等你爸回来你自己问她。

　24　As soon as my girlfriend told me that she was pregnant, I vowed that my child would be brought up in a stable household with two loving, married parents.
　　
　　I do hope he gets on well with the couple who adopted him.
　　
　　当我女朋友跟我说她怀孕了的时候，我发誓一定要让我的孩子在一个父母亲相亲相爱的和睦家庭里长大。
　　
　　我希望她能和收养孩子的父母相处愉快

25　I got home from the pub last night and my wife said, "I can't believe how intoxicated you are."
　　　　
　　　　Denying it I said, "I'm not drunk."
　　　　
　　　　She said, "Yes you are."
　　　　
　　　　I said, "No I'm fucking not."
　　　　
　　　　She said, "Can you tell the time?"
　　　　
　　　　I walked up to the clock and said, "I'm not fucking drunk."
　　　　
　　　　昨天我从pub喝回来，老婆说，看你都喝成什么烂样子了！
　　　　
　　　　我说，我没喝多！
　　　　
　　　　她说，你就是喝多了！
　　　　
　　　　我说，我就是他妹的没喝多！
　　　　
　　　　她说，那你能说说时间吗？
　　　　
　　　　我走到钟那，说，我他妹的没喝多！

26　　I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered mothers from China use? Toothpicks?
　　
　　考虑到母亲们怎么用小小号的勺子和叉子给她们的宝宝喂饭，然后我就纳了闷了，中国的娘咋办啊，用俩牙签喂？

27　Men think about sex every seven seconds.
　　
　　Which is why I eat hot dogs in under six seconds...
　　
　　so it doesn't get weird.
　　
　　男人每隔7秒钟就会想到sex
　　
　　这就是为什么我一定会在6秒钟之内吃完一只热狗
　　
　　要不就实在太怪了。
（哈哈哈哈）

28　Who else's heart skips for a split second when your girlfriend asks to use your computer?
　　
　　还有谁在女朋友要用你电脑的时候心跳漏一秒的？
（全世界男人都一样，╭(╯^╰)╮）

29　My girlfriend announced that she was pregnant earlier.
　　"You are getting an abortion, aren't you?" I asked.
　　
　　"I'm thinking about it, but I might want to keep it" she replied, looking for my acceptance.
　　
　　"Yes, that's fine" I said, "I know the doctor in the clinic personally, and he'll put it in a jar for you".
　　
　　我女友说她有了。“你会做掉吧，是不？”我问。
　　“我考虑了，可我也许想留下它……”她说，盼着我答应。
　　“行，好吧，”我说，“我认识诊所的大夫，他可以给你把它装罐里。”

30   Wife: If i get fat and ugly will you still be with me?
　　Husband starts laughing
　　Wife: What??
　　Husband: Im still here aren't I?
　　
　　妻子：如果我变胖变丑了，你还会跟我在一起吗？
　　丈夫开始大笑。
　　妻子：干嘛？？
　　丈夫：我还在这呢，有木有？

（英国绅士，真毒舌）

31　Man gives blood to save his girlfriend's life -- later they split up and he says gimme the blood back -- she throws him a used tampon and says I'll pay you monthly ya bastard!
　　
　　某男献血救了女友一命。后来他们分手了，他说，把我的血还我。她扔给他一用过的棉条，说，老娘按揭还你，混球！

32　How do you convince Americans to get involved in a war?
　　
　　Tell them it's nearly finished.
　　
　　你怎么劝说美国人加入一场战争？
　　
　　告诉他们快打完了。
（损老美~O(∩_∩)O哈哈~）

33　Recently, I saw an article about Americans sending their old clothes over to the poor in Africa.
　　
　　Pointless, I've never seen an African with a 52 inch waist.
　　
　　最近我读了篇文章，说美国人把自己的旧衣服捐给非洲的穷人。
　　
　　坑爹啊，你见过4尺腰围的非洲人啊！！！！

34　　Baby, baby, baby ooh!
　　Mother: *walks in* Are you listening to Justin Bieber?
　　Daughter: No, I'm watching porn.
　　Mother: Oh thank goodness.
　　
　　Baby, baby, baby ooh!
　　
　　妈妈进来说，你听justin bieber呢吧？？
　　
　　女儿，没，我看A片呢
　　
　　妈妈：哦哦，那就好。

35　We sat down our 11 year old daughter today, explaining that without a job or mothering skills she shouldn't really be keeping her new baby girl.
　　
　　Besides, it's parents were going fucking mental searching for it in that park.
　　
　　今天我们坐下来跟十一岁的女儿恳谈，向她说明又没工作又没哺育能力，她真不应该留下这个新生的小女孩。
　　
　　再说，人家爹妈正在公园疯找这孩子呢

36　My mother always told me that a good man is hard to find.
　　
　　By that logic Bin Laden is the finest man to have ever lived.
　　
　　我妈老说，好男人啊是特别特别难找的。
　　
　　照这逻辑，这世上出过的最好的男人是本·拉登

37　My girlfriend was complaining last night that I never listen to her. Or something like that.
　　
　　我女朋友昨天晚上抱怨我从来不认真听她讲话，还是别的什么的。
（他们很爱这种梗）