中英对照：盘点拥有超能力的动物

本文选自《老罗英语培训》的博客，点击查看博客原文

　　这点已经不是什么秘密了：动物早就处心积虑地想干掉人类了。当我们正在花费数千亿美元，去打击那些海外恐怖威胁时，动物恐怖组织正在抓紧时间，它们拼命进化着各种古怪离奇、大异于人类的超能力。鹰隼时刻磨砺自己的爪牙、巨型鱿鱼津津乐道于修炼它们的吸盘触手、海豚不时摆动长长的阴茎。一只知道你何时会死的怪猫，成了它们的带头大哥。而这只是动物们计划中微不足道的冰山一角。

　　那么，作为一种公共服务，我们决定简要介绍一下，这些世界上超能力最强的动物。而且据我们所知，这些家伙都不在濒危物种名单上。虽然有其它像本文这样散布恐惧的文章，再加上松懈的枪支监管条例，我们可以把它们赶上名单。如果我们不这样做的话，那么我们人类也只配生活在笼子里，每天靠看看色情杂志刺激的交配活动来打发时间，就像大自然中的淘汰者，熊猫一样。

　　现在公布超能力排名：

　　排名第八的动物：

　　壁虎    

　　能力：强力攀登

　　原理：当它们不用英国口音来兜售汽车保险时，壁虎们就花时间改用专门装备在光滑墙面上一溜小跑地继续工作。当然我们在这里讨论的，可不是那些用蜗牛粪便之类的黏性分泌物来做到这点。在壁虎的脚趾上，每平方毫米就包含1.4万根称之为棘毛的细小毛发，每根毛约有500个如同微型铲刀样的分叉，每个分叉的粗细竟小于可见光的波长。利用这些肉眼不可见的、原子级大小的纤维组织，壁虎能够利用分子之间相互作用的范德华力，并能在除了特氟隆(今夕注1)以外任意一种表面攀爬。它们的抓力是如此强大，如果全力以赴，一个成年壁虎能够举起290磅的东西。在这方面要注意的重点是，我们勇敢的男女士兵们，体重几乎没几个达到290磅的。这让他们成为了神出鬼没的壁虎小队的首选目标。

　　同类：蜘蛛侠、人蝇、丹·奥斯蒙德。                

　　额外能力： 可以舔自己的眼球，受到威胁时喷出粪便。

　　如果它们动手了，我们唯一的防御手段： 让士兵们配上最新特氟隆技术的紧身衣裤。

　　排名第七的动物：

　　放屁虫

　　能力：能量爆炸

　　原理：一些动物能喷出墨水、恶臭物质、粪便。但是，如果技止于此，那么除了被玷污的衣服、淋上的番茄酱浴、或是被社会排斥外就不用担心其它事了。然而，对放屁虫来说，一旦感到威胁就会在身体中产生化学反，就能在冲突中实现瞬间喷射70余次，时刻刷新放屁排行榜。简言之，它随身携带着凝固汽油弹。我们甚至不需要解释，这会对我国居民和草纸行业产生怎样的威胁。

　　同类：我曾跟在一群蒂华纳辣椒犬后面整整一晚上。

　　额外能力：在童话书中担任主角，旨在对抗进化论。

　　如果它们动手了，我们唯一的防御手段： 用装满X气体的盒子来阻断这种甲虫的天然食物来源。

　　排名第六的动物：

　　鸭嘴兽

　　能力：电磁定位

　　原理：先试试你的感官能力。如果你走运的话，你可以抬起一只手，让五指张开去感觉一下胜利。如果你不那么走运，一出生就会有先天残废，或是在车祸中撞掉你三四个指头，要么你的手是在酒吧斗争中被整个砍断。但如果你是一只鸭嘴兽的话，你就能竖起6根中指，当然接下来就会死在在女童子军手里、或是因为恶意挑衅被吊死。鸭嘴兽是单孔目动物(剩下的另一种是针鼹，当我们吃到一块混沌翡翠(今夕注2)之后就会知道它的无敌)，这是一种天赋的第六感，有电磁感应能力的哺乳动物，能感觉到肌肉收缩而产生的电场。这就意味着你一噘屁股，它们就知道你会干啥。即使一只又聋又瞎、嗅觉失灵的鸭嘴兽也知道你在那里，醉醺醺还带着大铁棍，它和针鼹哥们这就来找你。

　　同类：夜魔侠，雷达奥赖利，侏罗纪公园厨房里的那条迅猛龙。

　　额外能力：脚上有毒爪，会下蛋，并对所有的进化和自然法则残忍嘲弄。

　　如果它们动手了，我们唯一的防御手段： 施展魅力，让它们相信“保护栖息地”是在电笼里。

　　排名第五的动物：

　　蜂鸟

　　能力：超级速度

　　原理：蜂鸟做什么事都很快。它们的新陈代谢是除某些昆虫外最快的，每秒心跳有1260次，每秒翅膀拍打70次。速度有多快？想想我们的校车上带着运载火箭是什么样子就行。最令人难以置信的是，在如此高速下，蜂鸟还是唯一能够在空中悬停、甚至倒飞的动物。我们人类唯一能与它们匹敌的飞行器只有直升机了，当然喝花蜜这点是没得比了。如果恐怖分子决定设计制造蜂鸟手枪的话，我们将深陷无处不在的子弹漩涡中。

　　同类：除了这家伙就没别人了。

　　额外能力：一条分叉的舌头，食品不够了还能冬眠，加上曾被观察到不眠不休、不吃不喝连飞500公里。

　　如果它们动手了，我们唯一的防御手段：由于飞行速度太快，蜂鸟每天要吃自己体重5倍的花蜜。毁掉所有花朵，这样我们就能把这些小混蛋送上西天了。

英语原文对照：

　　8Animals With Real Superpowers

　　It’s no secret: animals are out to kill us. While we spend hundredsof billions of dollars fighting the terrorist threat overseas,animalsleeper cells are biding their time(抓紧时间)， developing strangeandfabulous powers far beyond those of man. Hawks sharpening their talons.Giant squids flexing their suckers. Dolphins waggling their prehensilepenises. And leading the brigade, a very special cat that knows whenyou’re going to die. And that’s only the tip of the furryiceberg。

　　So, as a public service, we’ve decided to profile some of theworld's most super powered creatures. As far as we know, none of themare on the Endangered Species list. Though with the help offearmongering articles like this, and some generous gun controllegislation,we can change all that. If we don’t, it just may be ushumans livingin protected enclosures and spending our days watchingpornography to encourage mating behavior like nature’s loser, the Panda。

　　8.The Animal: Gecko

　　The Power: Atomic Climbing

　　How It Works: When they’re not using their British accents to hawkcar insurance, geckos spend their time scurrying up surfaces with theease of a machine specifically designed to do the same. But this isn’tjust some snail-class gooey shit climbing we’re talking abou there。

　　Every square millimeter of a gecko’s footpads contains14,000tinyhairs, called setae, each of which branches into around 500little tiny “spatulae” so small that they are below the wave length ofvisible light. Using these invisible,geckos are able to harness van derWaals interactions on amolecular level, sticking to almost every knownsurface outside of Teflon.Their grip is so strong, if it used all of itsgripping power at once,a single adult gecko could hold aloft 290 lbs.At this point,it's important to note that our brave men and women inuniform almost all weigh under 290 lbs., making them prime targets forroving bands of gecko hurl-squads?。

　　Spirit Animal Of: Spider-Man, The Human Fly, Dan Osmond AdditionalPowers: Can lick their own eyeballs, and expel feces when threatened。

　　Our Only Defense, Should They Rise Against Us: Outfit our soldiers with the latest in Teflon bodysuit technology。

　　7.The Animal: Bombardier Beetle

　　The Power: Energy Blasts

　　How It Works: A number of animal species are able toprojectink,foul-smelling chemicals, or feces from their bodies. But inthese cases, there is little to fear beyond stained clothing, atomatosauce bath, or social ostracism. The bombardier beetle,however,takes bodily expulsion to a new threat level by harnessing thepower of chemical reactions to release a boiling, exploding liquid fromits body up to seventy times per encounter. In short, it shitsnapalm. Wedon’t even need to explain what kind of threat this poses toourcitizens and toilet paper industry alike。

　　Spirit Animal Of: Me after a night of Tijuana-style Jalape?oDogs.?

　　Additional Powers: Starred in a children’s book that purports to disprove the Theory of Evolution。

　　Our Only Defense, Should They Rise Against Us: Spiking the beetle’s natural food source with boxes upon boxes of Gas-X?。

　　6.The Animal: Platypus

　　The Power: Electrolocation

　　How It Works: Count your senses. If you’re fortunate, you’ve gotone hand raised, five fingers splayed in sensorial triumph. If you’reless fortunate, a birth defect or lathe accident has knocked you downtothree or four, or else you got your fingers chopped off in abar fight.But if you’re a Platypus, you get to raise six fingers,all presumablysnapped from the hands of girl scouts and dangling from a malevolentbill?. Platapi?are monotremes (the only other monotreme is the echidna,who we already know are after our ChaosEmeralds?)， a type of mammalendowed with the sixth sense of electroreception,the ability to senseelectric fields generated by muscular contraction。That means they cansense your directional location if you somuch as move a muscle. Even ablind, deaf Platypus with no sense of smell knows right where you are,and he and his echidna friends are on their way. With tire irons. Andthey’re angry drunk。

　　Spirit Animal Of: Daredevil, Radar O’Reilly, the raptors from the kitchen scene of Jurassic Park。

　　Additional Powers: Venemous talons on each foot, egg-laying, andthe cruel mockery of all evolutionary and natural law。Our Only Defense,Should They Rise Against Us: Convince them that their “protectedhabitat” is a Faraday Cage。

　　5.The Animal: Hummingbird

　　The Power: Superspeed

　　How It Works: Hummingbirds do everything fast. They’ve got thefastest metabolism of any animal other than insects, their heart ratecan get up to 1,260 beats per minute, and they can flap theirwings up to70 times a second. One can only imagine the horrifying speed with whichthey’d fire shoulder-mounted rockets at our school buses.Thisincredible speed makes the Humming bird the only animal capable ofhovering in midair, and even flying backwards. The only devicewe havethat can match them in aerial agility is the helicopter, and that’s gotnothing on them for nectar-drinking ability. If terroristsever decide todesign and manufacture Humming bird pistols, we’regoing to be in formobile, whirling vortices of sheer bullet。

　　Spirit Animal Of: This guy。

　　Additional Powers: A bifurcated tongue, the ability to hibernateintimes of food shortage, and the observed ability to fly over 500mileswithout stopping to sleep or eat。

　  Our Only Defense, Should They Rise Against Us: Because of theirspeed,humming birds need to eat up to five times their own body weightinnectar per day. Destroy the flowers, and we’ve got thesebastards on therun。