黑魂3切换箭:家庭沟通及家庭会议

FS-522, May 1993 (Reviewed and reprinted November 1995) 的FS - 522，1993年5月（1995年11月的评论和转载）

Deb Gebeke , Family Science Specialist deb文件Gebeke，家庭科学专家
Kim Bushaw , Parent Line Program Specialist 金Bushaw，父行计划专家

• What is a Family Meeting? 什么是家庭会议？
• Who Benefits from Family Meetings? 谁收益，从家庭会议？ EVERYONE! 大家好！
• How Do We Get Started? 我们如何开始？
• Structured or Unstructured? 结构化或非结构化的？
• What are some General Guidelines for Effective Family Meetings? 什么是有效的家庭会议的一般准则吗？
• Barriers to Positive Family Communication 沟通的障碍有家族
• A Final Note 最后一点

The factor most likely responsible for whether we have a happy and satisfying family life is how we communicate with each other. 最有可能其他的因素负责，我们是否有一个幸福的家庭生活和满意的是我们如何相互沟通。

Do we feel we are heard and understood by our spouse and our children?我们觉得我们是听到我们的配偶和子女，我们的理解？

Is the whole family involved in problem solving and decision making together? 是全家人共同参与解决问题和决策？

Do we tell each other what's on our mind?我们是否告诉对方什么在我们的脑海中的？

Do we listen? 我们听呢？

One of the best methods for promoting positive family communication is to hold family meetings.为促进积极的家庭沟通的最好方法之一是举行家庭会议。

What is a Family Meeting?什么是家庭会议？

• Family meetings are time set aside to promote meaningful communication and to provide for family discussion, decision making, problem solving, encouragement and cooperation.家庭会议是预留促进有意义的沟通，并为家庭的讨论，决策，解决问题，鼓励和合作的时代。
• Family meetings can be structured and rather formal or flexible and informal.家庭会议可以结构和相当灵活的，正式或非正式的。
• At family meetings, everyone has a part and something to contribute.在家庭会议上，每个人都有一个组成部分，一些贡献。 No one is less important than another, and family members contribute according to their age and ability.没有人比另一个重要少，家庭成员根据自己的年龄作出贡献和能力。

Who Benefits from Family Meetings?谁收益，从家庭会议？ EVERYONE!大家好！

All families can benefit from family meetings whether they are stepfamilies, dual-career, single-parent, intergenerational or traditional.所有的家庭可以受惠家庭会议无论是再婚家庭，双职工，单亲家庭，两代人或传统。 Family meetings are an excellent way to practice problem-solving skills, promote communication and build family unity.家庭会议是一个很好的方法来练习解决问题的技能，促进沟通和建立家庭的团结。 When a particular plan is discussed and mutually agreed on in a family meeting, everyone -- even the youngest child -- feels a sense of "ownership" and thus is more likely to go along with the plan.当一个特别的计划进行了讨论和共同商定的会议上在一个家庭中，每个人-甚至是最小的孩子-感觉是“感”的所有权，从而更有可能去规划，同时使用。 Also, children are able to see their family working together as a group.此外，孩子们能够看到他们的家庭工作作为一个群体在一起。 They experience feeling stronger and smarter in a group.他们经历感更强，在一组更聪明。

Regularly scheduled meetings might deal with daily decisions such as who will drive the kids to sports practice or how chores are to be distributed.定期会议可能涉及的日常决策分发如谁的孩子将推动体育实践或家务是如何。 A one-time meeting might be called for a specific purpose, like planning a vacation, holiday party or family project; solving a problem, such as how to make Grandma's moving in more comfortable for everyone; or clearing the air after a crisis or squabble.一次性会议可能要求特定目的，如规划休假，假日聚会或家庭项目;解决舒适大家一个问题，比如如何更是让奶奶在的移动;或结算或争吵空中危机过后， 。

At times meetings may cover major issues such as setting new family goals or developing a plan of action for handling a drop in family income.有时会议可能涉及家庭收入的主要问题，如制定新的家庭目标或在发展中国家下降了一个行动计划来处理。 At other times a meeting may be called for minor issues, such as deciding what color to paint the house.在其他次会议可能要求一些小问题的房子，例如决定什么颜色漆。

How Do We Get Started?我们如何开始？

The process is easier to initiate if meetings begin when children are young (age 4 to 5). Teens and school-age children tend to be more negative about new activities.这个过程是比较容易启动会议开始时，如果孩子还年轻（年龄4至5）。青少年和学龄儿童往往带来新的更多的活动负。 There may be negative reactions and resistance at first, but most children come to value the process once they understand it's a time to air concerns, discuss possible solutions and share positive moments.可能有消极的反应和抵抗在第一，但大多数孩子开始重视这一进程一旦他们明白这是一个涉及时间，空气，讨论可能的解决办法和分享积极的时刻。

Simply make a decision to start, have a plan of action for what will be said or done, pick a date and go for it!简单地做出一个决定开始，已经和它出去的行动计划会说什么或做了，挑一个日期！

Structured or Unstructured?结构化或非结构化的？

As you start, think about your current family communication patterns.当你开始，想想你目前的家庭沟通模式。 If you're comfortable sharing feelings and have an open communication style, you may be able to begin with more structure.如果您习惯于分享感觉和有一个开放的沟通方式，你可以开始与更多的结构。 You may want to establish a specific routine such as:你可能想建立一个具体的例行如：

1. Open with each member stating one positive thing they have appreciated about each member since the last meeting.每次会议成员开一个积极的事情，说明他们终于有赞赏，因为每个成员。
2. Ask for subjects of concern or issues for discussion.要求关注的问题或讨论问题。 Create a list and discuss each one at a time.创建一个列表，并在讨论每一次。
3. Close by planning a family event for the week!关闭计划为一周的家庭活动！

Some families will be more comfortable with less structure.有些家庭会事半功倍结构舒服。 Meetings may be called at any time, incorporated into driving time when schedules are tight or following a family meal. Informal meetings allow issues to be dealt with as they arise.会议可能会在任何时间，时间行驶时纳入日程紧张或以下的家庭餐。非正式会议使问题得到处理，因为他们出现。 If your children are older and you're new to this process, try starting more informally, such as:如果您的孩子年纪大了，你是新的这个过程中，开始尝试更多的非正式的，如：

1. A problem is identified during a long drive and you ask everyone to please relax and treat this issue as a problem everyone can help solve.一个问题是一个长期过程中发现的驱动器，你问大家请放松和治疗是一个问题每个人都可以帮助解决这个问题。
2. Ask each member to share their concerns and a possible solution.要求每一位成员分享他们的关注和可能的解决方案。
3. After everyone has contributed, work together to find a solution that works for everyone.经过大家作出了贡献，共同努力，找到一个解决方案，为每个人的作品。
4. Conclude by explaining that they just successfully completed their first family meeting!最后解释说，他们刚刚成功地完成了第一次家庭会议！ Decide how the family might continue to use this process in the future.决定如何使用这些家庭可能会继续在未来使用这一进程。

What are some General Guidelines for Effective Family Meetings?什么是有效的家庭会议的一般准则？

1. Begin family meetings only after you feel your relationship with your children is one of mutual respect and honesty.家庭会议后，才开始你觉得你和你的子女的关系是一个诚实和相互尊重。
2. Use the following guidelines for effective family meetings:使用有效的家庭会议的下列准则：
   -- Establish a specific regular meeting time. - 建立一个具体的常规会议的时间。 Weekly is a good way to start.周是一个很好的开端。
   -- Take advantage of driving time to discuss issues when meetings are not possible. - 以驾驶的时间来讨论的问题时，会议是不可能的优势。
   -- Establish and stick to time limits. - 建立和坚持的时间限制。
   -- Make sure all members have a chance to offer ideas. - 确保所有成员有机会提供意见。
   -- Encourage everyone to bring up issues. - 鼓励大家提出的问题。 Write them down, keep a list until the next meeting and discuss them in order.写下来，保持一个清单，直到下一次会议，讨论顺序的研究。
   -- Don't permit meetings to become gripe sessions. - 不允许抱怨会议，成为会议。
   -- Plan family fun to meet the interests of all ages. - 计划的家庭乐趣，以满足各年龄层的利益。
   -- Use your communication skills. - 用你的沟通技巧。 Listen with sensitivity, speak with respect for feelings and never use put-downs.听的敏感性，说话从来没有感情的尊重和投入使用的下调。
   -- Evaluate decisions at the next meeting. - 在下次会议上评估决定。
   -- Don't use family meetings to attempt to solve one person's problems. - 不要使用家庭会议，以试图解决一个人的问题。 Meetings are not therapy sessions.会议不是心理治疗。 Use the meeting to share feelings and make suggestions.利用这次会议交流感情和提出建议。 Seek professional help for problems.问题寻求专业帮助。
   -- Even families with one child can benefit from family meetings. - 有一个孩子甚至家庭可以受惠家庭会议。 Decision making is still important for everyone.决策是每个人仍然重要。
   -- Remember that parents are not the only ones in charge. - 记住，父母不负责的唯一的人。 No one person should have control over meetings.没有一个人应该有控制权的会议。 Take turns leading the meetings, and involve everyone in an age-appropriate way.轮流领导会议，人人参与的方式在年龄相适应的。
3. Follow through on agreements.按照通过的协议。 At the time agreements are made, build in logical consequences for broken agreements.当时的协议作出，建立在破碎协议逻辑后果。
4. All members participate in family meetings as equals.家庭所有成员参加的会议是平等的。
5. Family meetings are important if families want to function democratically.家庭会议是重要的，如果家属希望民主的功能。

Barriers to Positive Family Communication以家庭沟通障碍的实证

"In my day ..." “在我的天...”

One thing parents seem to find irresistible is using examples from their childhoods to make a case for why something should be done (or not be done) and why something is (or is not) hard to do.有一件事情似乎是不可抗拒的诱惑家长使用的童年是从他们的例子做的情况下作出的，为什么一些应该做（或不办），为什么事情是（或不是）难。 "When I was a little girl, my father wouldn't let me..." “当我还是一个小女孩，我爸爸不会让我...” "I used to get up at 6 in the morning and do chores before I went to school..." “我以前起床早上6时在做家务前，我去上学...” "In my day we didn't watch TV after school. We did our homework." “在我的一天，我们放学后没有看电视。我们做我们的功课。”

It's hard for kids to relate to this history.很难让孩子们涉及到这段历史。 Their reaction is likely to be much eye rolling rather than giving any serious thought to what it was like when you were growing up.他们的反应很可能是多眼滚动而不是让任何认真考虑什么它就像你成长。 And when you say things like, "I'm doing it for your own good" or "You'll thank me for this some day," you have filled the air with words that have very little meaning.当你说，这样的话：“我做你自己的好”或“你会感谢我一些这方面的一天，”你有什么意义的空气填充文字具有非常。

More importantly, you have shifted the discussion and avoided giving any reasons for what you are saying.更重要的是，你已经转移了讨论，并避免给任何理由说是为你。 If there's a rule in the house that children must finish their homework before watching TV, be clear about the rule and don't hide behind cliches or stories of your past.如果有一所房子统治的儿童必须完成他们的功课，然后看电视，可清楚知道规则，不要躲在陈词滥调或过去的故事的。 Give your reasons and be open to a rational discussion with your children.给你的理由，并开出了与您的孩子理性的讨论。

Explain exactly why a rule exists.准确地解释为什么一个规则存在。 If children have an alternative plan, be open to trying their ideas for a certain period of time.如果孩子有一个替代方案，尝试开放自己的想法一定的时间期限一。 Have an understanding that you will all meet to discuss it again and decide which way worked best.有一个理解是，你都会再次举行会议，讨论并决定哪种方式效果最好。 This is a valuable learning experience.这是一个宝贵的学习经验。 Never say, "I told you so," if you go back to the original rule.千万不要说，“我告诉你，”如果你回到原来的规则。

"In my day" is OK once in a while, but be careful not to overdo it. “在我的一天”是确定在一段时间后，但要小心，不要过度。 Most kids enjoy stories.大多数孩子喜欢的故事。 What they don't enjoy is a lecture!他们不喜欢的是演讲！

Being a mind reader作为一个读心术

Too often communication with family members doesn't go far enough.往往与家庭成员的沟通还远远不够。 You may have agreed there is a certain job to do and that you are the one who will do it, but you have not agreed on -- or maybe even talked about -- when the job will be done.您可能已同意有一定的工作要做，你是一个谁做，但你没有同意-或者甚至提到-当工作将完成。 If Mom thinks her son is going to do a chore right away and he thinks he's going to do it after the baseball game -- or next week -- then they have different expectations.如果妈妈认为她的儿子就要马上做家务，他认为他要做的棒球比赛后 - 或者下周 - 那么他们有不同的期望。 Try to settle on a time when the job will be done.尝试解决一个时间作业时，将得到伸张。 This type of incomplete communication, in which expectations are not clearly spelled out, is very confusing and leads to problems.这种不完整的通信类型，在这种期望是没有清楚列明的，是很混乱，导致问题。

Getting upset and angry心烦意乱和愤怒

How individuals express anger or disagreement has great impact on family communication.个人如何表达愤怒和对家庭的沟通分歧很大的影响。

It's easy to let off steam after something negative has happened, and some people believe it's good for your mental health to do this.这很容易让一些消极的宣泄发生后，一些人认为正是这种良好的做你的精神健康。 It may, in fact, make you feel better for the moment, but you may say something you'll regret.它可能，事实上，让你感觉更好的时刻，但你可能会说一些你会后悔。

It is how you express anger -- not whether you express it -- that is important.这是你如何表达愤怒 - 不是你表达出来 - 这是重要的。 Ideally, you want to stay in control of yourself even though you are angry.理想的情况下，你想给自己留在控制，即使你很生气。 After all, you are the grown-up, and you are modeling behavior you want your children (or your spouse) to copy.毕竟，你是成年人了，你的行为进行建模，你希望你的孩子（或您的配偶）的副本。

To avoid harsh words and confrontation, try calming yourself with anything that works for you -- like counting to 10 or saying to yourself, "Life is short; I'm not going to let myself get upset about this."为避免恶劣的话，对抗，试图平息你自己干任何工程-像数到10或对自己说：“生命是短暂的，我不会让自己生气。对此我”

You might want to say to a child or to another adult, "I'm angry now. I can't talk about it. We'll talk about it as soon as I calm down," or "Let's each go to our own rooms to think about it and we'll talk soon."你可能要告诉孩子或其他成人，“我现在很生气。我无法谈论它。我们将谈论它，只要我冷静下来”，或者“让每一个到我们自己房间去想它，我们将讨论吧。“

Separating yourself from the situation or the person is often an effective strategy to pave the way for a discussion when everyone is calmed down.自己从人分离的情况或常常是一个有效的战略，走出一条讨论的方式，因为当每个人都平静下来。

Talk less and listen more少说多听

Adults find it hard to listen to one another.成人很难听对方。 We are often so busy thinking of what we're going to say next that we don't listen to what someone is saying to us.我们经常忙得我们想做什么，我们要接着说，我们不听别人在讲什么的。

We do this with our families also, anticipating what spouses or children are going to say and interrupting them or reacting to what they are saying before they say it.我们这个家庭，我们也期待什么配偶或孩子们将他们的发言权和中断或反应到他们在说什么，才说出来。 It's even harder with very young children who take a long time to put their thoughts into words.这是什字加倍努力，以非常小的孩子谁需要很长的时间来把自己的想法成。 Our impulse is to hurry them along, finish sentences for them or put words into their mouths.我们的冲动，是匆忙他们相处，为他们完成句子或放入口中的话。

We not only need to listen to children and adults but we need to acknowledge that we have heard and understood what they said.我们不仅要听儿童和成年人，但我们必须承认，我们已经听到并理解他们说什么。 This often includes thoughts that are not totally expressed by words alone.这通常包括未完全用语言表达的思想孤独。 Body language and facial expressions also send messages.肢体语言和面部表情也发送邮件。

When to talk当交谈

Each family has some times that seem more open to communication than others.每个家庭有一定的时间，似乎比别人更开放的沟通。

Bedtime -- when children are settled into bed and not before -- is probably the most comfortable time for cozy chats.睡前-当孩子们上床睡觉，而不是解决之前-可能是最舒适安逸的聊天时间。 Children are more relaxed and don't mind putting off sleep to talk.儿童更轻松，不介意推迟睡眠说话。

When children reach school age and beyond, they are not always so open about telling you what's on their minds.当孩子达到入学年龄和超越，他们并不总是这么告诉你开什么关于思想对他们的。 You need to hang out with them for a while before they'll tell you something that is really bothering them.你需要挂出了一段时间与他们前，他们会告诉你一些实在是困扰他们。

Even the busiest parent should try to find time to just be with a school-age or adolescent child.即使是最繁忙的家长应尽量抽空只是一个适龄儿童或青少年。 It doesn't have to be a specially scheduled occasion.它没有成为一个特别安排的场合。 Doing chores together can be an opportunity for a good relaxed interaction -- as long as there's no interfering static about how well a job is being done.做家务可到一个互动的机会有一个良好的宽松-只要有任何干扰静态大约有多么出色的工作正在做。

A Final Note最后一点

It's always easy to tell each other what's wrong and what someone else needs to do to improve.它总是很容易地告诉对方出了什么问题，什么别人需要做的改进。 But it's critical for family members to share the positive.但关键家庭成员分享积极的一面。 Parents must set a positive example.家长必须树立积极的榜样。 One parent educator calls this "catching them at being good!"一位家长教育工作者称此为“正赶上好于他们！” For example, you might say:例如，你可能会说：

• Thanks for getting your chores done on time this week.获取你的工作按时完成感谢这个星期。
• I really appreciate it when you read to your little brother.我真的很感激它时，你读给你的小兄弟。
• I noticed you filled the car with gas after you used it Sunday.我注意到你充满了气的汽车后，你用它星期天。 That was great because I could go to work Monday morning and not have to take time to get gas.这是伟大的，因为我可以周一早上去上班，而不必花时间去得气。

It's so easy for parents to dwell on the negative.就是这么简单，父母住在消极。 Family meetings are a time to reinforce positive behaviors and teach positive skills for living with others.家庭会议是一次积极加强与其他人的行为和教导积极生活技能。

Most families experience a little frustration in starting new ideas.大多数家庭的经验，开始新的想法有点沮丧。 If you have questions or problems, call the Parent Line at 1-800-258-0808 or 237-7923 in Fargo.如果您有任何疑问或问题，请致电237-7923家长在法戈线或1-800-258-0808。 Don't let barriers get in the way of the end result -- healthy and positive family communication.不要让障碍挡在最终结果的方式 - 健康，积极的家庭沟通。

Reference参考

Work and Family Life Newsletter, Vol.工作和家庭生活通讯，卷。 5, No. 4, April 1991 5，第4期，1991年4月