心灵解读：关于成人依附的新科学如何改进你的爱情生活

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于2011-02-22 19:50:23翻译 | 已有1318人浏览

心理学家将依附区分为三种主要类型：焦虑型、逃避型和安全型。清楚自己及你的另一半属于何种类型，做些必要的调整，是爱情的长久保持之道。

Mind Reading: How the New Science of Adult Attachment Can Improve Your Love Life

心灵解读：关于成人依附的新科学如何改进你的爱情生活

By Maia Szalavitz Sunday, February 13, 2011

迈亚·塞拉维茨（Maia Szalavitz），2011年2月13日，周日

Peopletend to think of "attachment" and "bonding" as the subjects of childpsychology, but in fact, these factors are just as important to adulthealth and happiness. So what defines the healthy adult relationship —is there such a thing as too "clingy" or "dependent?" — and can peoplechange in order to find lasting love?

人们容易认为“依附”和“联结”是儿童心理学的主题，但实际上，这些因素对成人的健康和幸福感也同样重要。因此，什么可以被用来定义健康的成人间关系——有过于“黏人”或“依赖”这回事吗？——人们可以改变自我以找到永恒的爱吗？

Withstudies showing again and again that our relationships are critical toour long-term mental and physical health, researchers are increasinglyturning their attention to the nature of adult connections. In their newbook Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How it Can HelpYou Find — and Keep — Love, psychiatrist and neuroscientist Amir Levineand co-author Rachel Heller explore the topic. And just in time forValentine's Day, they offer a new perspective on how to find the rightpartner. (More on Time.com: 5 Little-Known Truths About American SexLives)

随着相关研究一次又一次地证实我们的相互关系对我们长期的精神和身体健康而言至为重要，研究者们也逐渐将关注转移到成人间关系的类型上来。在他们的新书《依恋：成人依附的新科学——如何助你找到和葆有爱》中，精神病学和神经科学家阿米尔·列文（Amir Levine）及合作者瑞秋·海勒（RachelHeller）探索了这一主题。适逢情人节，他们给大家提供了一个如何找到合适伴侣的新视角。

What are attachment styles and what characterizes them?

依附存在哪些类型？有什么特征？

Thereare three major attachment styles: anxious, avoidant and secure. [Tofind out yours or your partner's style, take this quiz.] Around 20% ofpeople are anxiously attached. Anxious people need to be close; theylove to be intimate. They are very preoccupied with relationships, andvery sensitive to small cues of threat in a relationship. Let's saytheir partner is going to the airport — it's anxiety provoking for therelationship. They would start to worry if they didn't hear from theirpartner soon. It's almost like they have a very sensitive alarm system.

有三种主要的依附类型：焦虑型、逃避型和安全型。约有20%的人是焦虑型依附。焦虑的人需要亲近，他们喜欢亲密无间。他们全部身心被亲密关系占据，对威胁到这种关系的任何细小信号都非常敏感。比方说，他们的伴侣要去机场——这会引起对他们之间关系的极大忧虑。如果他们没有很快地接到对方的电话，他们就会开始担忧，几乎就像是带有一个极为灵敏的警报系统。

What about avoidant?

“逃避型”是怎样的？

About25% of people are avoidant. Avoidant people want to be in relationships— because we're all programmed to get attached to other people — butsomething strange happens when they get close to a person. They areuncomfortable with too much closeness. They keep their partners at arm'slength and constantly try to negotiate intimacy and closeness. They seeit as something that interferes with their independence.

约有25%的人是逃避型依附。逃避型的人想要亲密关系——因为我们都是要和他人之间存在联系的——但是当他们同人比较亲近时，经常会发生一些奇怪的事情。他们对过于亲密的关系感到不自在。他们与自己的伴侣总是保持一尺之距，时常要就亲密关系同对方谈判，他们认为这些干扰了他们的独立。

And secure?

“安全型”是如何的？

Theymake up 54%, the majority, of the population. Securely attached peopleare warm and loving and love to be close, but they don't have asensitive alarm system. They don't get preoccupied with therelationship; they don't mind things so much. They have a talent forbeing in relationships. If they're going to the airport and you'reanxious, they would call you before you even think about calling them.

这一类型的人在人群中是多数，占到大约54%。安全型依附的人很温和，喜欢亲近别人也喜欢被人亲近，但是他们并没有敏感的警报系统，不会让自己的全部身心为两性关系占有，也不会过于计较一些事情。在处理两性关系方面，他们是有天赋的。如果他们要去机场，而你对此感到比较焦虑，他们会在你想到要打电话给他们之前就已经打给你。

Theavoidant person would hit ignore and think, "Oh, she's calling again,"and you end up yelling at each other. You can see what kind of adifferent life you would have with someone secure.

逃避型的人会忽略（这些事情），想着：“噢，她又打电话来了”，然后会以双方大吵大叫告终。当这种类型的人同安全型的人在一起时，你会看到一种可能完全不同的生活。

[By knowing about attachment styles], you actually have way to go about finding the right person.

知道了依附的不同类型，你就应该知道如何去找到合适的另一半了。

Isn't there one more style?

还有其它的类型吗？

There's also disorganized, or anxious/avoidant. That's much more rare. When children have this, it is linked to trauma.

还有紊乱型，或称焦虑/逃避型，但很少见，如果有孩子属于这种类型，一般会与存在精神创伤有关。

Therapistsoften tell people that you can't be loved until you are able to loveyourself, and suggest that people take time to work on themselves beforegetting into a relationship. But there's no data to support that, andin fact, the research shows that you need to be loved before you canlove. Why do we have this cultural misunderstanding about relationships?

临床治疗者经常告诉人们，如果你不爱自己，就不会被人爱，因此建议人们在进入一段两性关系之前要先花费点时间在自己身上。但没有数据能证实以上说法，实际上，研究显示，你需要被人爱，然后才会有爱的能力。我们为什么会对两性关系存在这样的文化上的误解呢？

[Peoplesay it] because there's a kernel of truth to it, but that's one of thereasons we wrote this book. [In it, we describe] someone we know who iswell-rounded and functional in every aspect of life, and clearly verymuch loves herself and her life. But she went into a relationship withsomeone who was very avoidant, and then became very anxious to the pointthat she almost lost her job.

人们之所以如此说，是因为这其中包含了一个真理的精髓，这也是我们写作本书的动因。在书中，我们讲述了一个个案，这个人世事洞明，人情练达，而且显然很爱她自己和自己的生活，但当她和一个极端逃避型的人进入一段关系后，她开始变得极为焦虑，以至于差点儿丢掉工作。

It'sfunny because one of most amazing things that this theory teaches isthat if you are anxious or avoidant, and you meet someone who is secure,there are huge healing powers [in that relationship]. You become moresecure. You don't even have to work hard, it just happens. Sometimes,magic can happen. The science breaks it down, it really challenges yourperception and ideas and beliefs about relationships in a good way, andyou change [in ways] that would be very hard to do on your own. (More onTime.com: Allergic to Valentine's Day Gifts? 5 Last-MinuteAlternatives)

非常可笑，因为这个理论教给大家的一点就是，如果你属于焦虑型或逃避型，当遇到一个安全型的人后，这段关系会给你带来足够强大的治愈力量，你会变得更安全。你甚至都不用去努力改变，变化就这么自然而然发生了。奇迹有时候会发生的。但科学摧垮了这个说法，给你对何谓良好模式的两性关系观念、想法和信念带来了冲击，仅凭自己，想去（按某种方式）改变是非常困难的。

Youcan do [some of that] in therapy but it's so powerful when you do it ina relationship. When we get attached, powerful forces [are involved].People think about psychological aspects but it's also very muchphysiological. Your partner starts to control your blood pressure andautonomic nervous system. It has huge implications for physical health.

你可以在治疗中去进行（这样的改变），但是当你在一段关系中这样做时，它很强大。当我们依附时，强大的力量已在其中了。人们认为这属于心理学的范畴，但它同时也是很生理化的需求。你的伴侣开始控制你的血压和自主神经系统，它同身体健康有着巨大的关联。1

Anxious people are often stigmatized as clingy and needy and desperate.

焦虑型的人经常被贬以“黏人”、“空虚”、“绝望”

Itreally isn't that. You are only as needy and clingy as your unmetneeds. [If your needs are met, you can just relax.]. If kids feel safe,they don't cling to their mothers, they play with their toys. It's thesame with adults.

事实上不是那样。他们只是对未被满足的需求会纠缠和要求，一旦需求被满足，人就会放松下来。如果儿童感到安全，他们就不会缠着母亲不放，他们会自己去玩玩具。在成人身上，也是同样的道理。

Youhave a chapter titled "Dependency Is Not a Bad Word" Yet the commonwisdom about codependency suggests that caring too much can be adisease.

你书中有一章名为“依赖不是个贬义词”，但是有关相互依赖的常识认为过多的关爱可能是种疾病

Westigmatize dependence. Our society is avoidant, in a way. We really putemphasis on independence. But dependence is a biological fact. Once webecome attached, we're dependent whether we want to be or not.

我们经常贬低“依赖”，某种意义上，我们的社会就是逃避型的。我们过多地强调独立，但是依赖是一个生物学的事实。一旦我们互相在一起，不管是否愿意，我们就是相互依赖的。

Iunderstand why, in the context of addiction, some people say it's a badthing. It's really only bad because there's no good treatment [foraddiction]. In that context, you can see why you sometimes have towithdraw support from the person — but even there, it's problematic.I've seen enough cases where the family withdrew and then something[awful happened to the addict].

我明白为什么，在沉溺成瘾的背景下，有些人说它是件很糟糕的事情。它确实只能是件糟糕的事情，因为针对瘾君子，还没有好的治疗方法。在这种情况下，你就能理解为什么自己有时会对某个你一直支持的人抽身而退——但尽管这样，仍然是有问题的。我已经看到过足够多的案例，家庭成员收回援助之手，然后瘾君子身上发生一些很“杯具”的事情。

And in other areas, it really doesn't hold water — as if you have a disease if you help someone?

但在其它领域，它确实经不起检验——比方说，如果你病了，如果你帮助别人？

Do two avoidant people ever get together?

两个逃避型的人能在一起吗？

Welooked through the literature. It hardly ever happens, obviously. Theycan get together, but they tend to lack the glue that keeps peopletogether.

我们纵观整个文学史，显然几乎不可能发生。他们可以在一起，但他们缺少凝聚人的能力。

You write that avoidant people are overrepresented in the dating pool.

你在书中曾提及逃避型的人在单身状态的人中占得比较多

Whenyou go to a therapist and your relationships haven't worked out, theymay tell you that you have a pattern of always finding the wrong person.That may be right — some people do get addicted to the highs and lowsof tumultuous anxious/avoidant relationships — but [the problem may notbe] all about them.

当你到临床治疗师那里咨询你同伴侣之间那一地鸡毛的关系时，他们可能会告诉你，原因在于你总是去找不合适的人。这也许是对的——有些人总是沉溺于起起落落、来回折腾的焦虑/逃避型关系中——但问题并不全在于此。

Thereare some social forces. What happens with someone avoidant is that theytend to stay in relationships less. They are more likely to divorce.They tend to circulate back into the dating pool more often than anxiousor secure people.

有一些社会的压力。对逃避型的人而言，他们更不愿意走入一段稳固的关系之中，他们离婚的概率更高。他们要比焦虑型和安全型的人更易于回到单身的状态上去。

Anxious attachment sounds stereotypically female: is it more common in women or is this a myth?

焦虑型依附听起来似乎是一种比较女性化的模式，它是否在女性中更为常见？

Thegood news is that the majority of men and women are secure. But thereare some stereotypes we have about men and women — Mars and Venus. Theidea that men don't like to communicate, for example — that's moredescriptive of avoidant men. The majority of men can be close andcommunicate; they want to get married and have kids. They're the silentmajority. We don't hear much about them because there's very littledrama.

好消息是无论男性还是女性，大多数人都是安全型的。但也有一些类型是专门指向来自火星的男性和来自金星的女性的。男性不大喜欢沟通，例如，有更多关于逃避型男性的描述。不过，大多数男性还是喜欢亲密关系和沟通的，他们渴望婚姻，想要孩子。他们是沉默的大多数。我们之所以很少听说他们只不过是因为他们的故事略显平淡。

Thereis a slight excess of men who are avoidant, but a lot of women areavoidant, too. [The same is true with a slight excess of anxious women,but the majority are secure.]

逃避型中，男性所占比重稍微高一点儿，但也有大量女性属于逃避型。（同样地，焦虑型中女性所占比重略高，但大多数女性还是属于安全型的。）

Theoriginal tests of attachment were done in very young children, lookingat how they responded when they were left alone by their mothers. Doesyour infant attachment style stay with you into adulthood?

关于依附的最初测试对象是非常年幼的孩子，观察他们在被母亲独自留在家中时有何反应。一个婴儿的依附类型在成年以后是否会保持？

Ifthere is a correlation, it's weak at best, which is good news becauseit means that we can change our attachment style. Adult attachmentstyles are stable but plastic. When [researchers] looked at a group overfour years, 25% had changed their attachment style. It can happen inseveral ways, for example when someone anxious or avoidant gets into arelationship with someone secure.

如果存在这样一种相关性，至少也是很微弱的，但这是个好消息，因为它意味着我们可以改变自己依附的模式。成人的依附模式比较稳定，但很脆弱。研究者对一群人观察了4年多，25%的人改变了他们依附的类型。这种改变可以通过多种途径发生，例如，当焦虑型或逃避型的人同安全型的人在一起时。

So what can you do to change your attachment style if you are not secure?

那么，如果你不是安全型的，要怎样做才能改变自己的依附类型呢？

Firstof all, by understanding your relationship from an attachmentperspective, you can work to identify insecure patterns and learn howyou can change them to become more secure.

首先，从依附的视角去理解你同伴侣的关系，你可以先证实自己并非安全型的，然后了解如何才能将自己变得更有安全感。

Wehave examples in the book. One couple moved in together. One of themwas very avoidant; he had a hard time and got to the point where he wasthinking about breaking up. But he was also able to say how he washaving hard time letting her in, and to think about how lonely he wasbefore and how he really longed to share his life. A transition occurredwhen he was able to see his role in what was going on and take stepback and not feel like he was being pushed into a corner.

我们在这本书里有例子。一对夫妇搬到一起住。其中一位属于极端逃避型的，他过得很痛苦，想到了分手。但他同时也能想到自己是好不容易才接纳了对方，在此之前自己是多么的孤独，他其实很渴望有个伴侣分享自己的生活。当他能看清楚对已发生的一切，自己曾经付出的努力时，转变就发生了，他能够后退一步而不是感觉自己被逼进了一条死胡同。

[Ialso worked with a] 40-year-old woman. She was dating and was sick ofit and wanted a man and kids. She started to just say, I want to getmarried and have kids as soon as possible. She was able to do two thingsthere, express that need and be authentic, which correlates very highlywith satisfaction and happy relationships. A lot of people were scaredoff, but that way she didn't waste her time. And the way she did it, itcan come from place of strength, it doesn't have to come from place ofweakness.

我也和一位40岁的妇女共过事。她当时正在约会，特别渴望一段关系，想要丈夫和孩子。一开始她只是说，我想结婚，有尽可能多的孩子。她可以做的两件事——表达自己的需要和真诚，这两件事都同满意和幸福的婚姻高度相关。很多人都被她吓跑了，但同时她也不必浪费自己的时间在不必要的人身上。